I’m going to hell.

You must be kidding.

So finally, after 5 pages of comments, you've admitted that you've already spoken to him about his awful habits and hygiene, why on earth couldn't you have said this in the first place OP, rather than dragging it all out. It now seems clear to me that this relationship has run it's course. Not unusual for people who get together when they're young, as you're not truly the person you're going to be, until you reach your 30's, by which time you've had some life experience, and have usually pretty much worked out where you're going in life and who you actually are. It happened to me too. I met my ex when I was 15, we got married just before my 18th birthday, had our first baby when I was 20, and then over the next few years lived a pretty good life, no shortage of money, no arguments or fights, but we just gradually changed as people, and at age 32, I woke up and realised that he was no longer the person I wanted to spend my life with. We talked about it, and realised that we no longer wanted the same things from life, so separated and went our different ways. I've since remarried, and have been happily together with my new life partner for more than 30 years.

So, it's time for you to accept that it's over OP. If you've already told him about your concerns with the way he looks and his appalling habits, and he hasn't seen fit to do anything about it, then I think I'd be inclined to write him a letter telling him that having spoken to him on numerous occasions about his lack of personal hygiene, etc., which he's failed to act upon, it's gone on for so long that it's gradually given you the total ick, and you have now reached the stage where you no longer fancy, or love him, so the relationship is over. Leave him to read it, at which point if he cares at all, he'll probably tell you he'll change, etc., but all you have to say is, 'sorry, it's too late, you should have listened to what I was telling you in the first place, so now it's over, end of!' No need for you to feel guilty, it's obviously his own fault for not listening when you've tried to tell him the way you felt, and maybe, if you tell him that that's the reason you're leaving, he might just wake up and do something about himself, and who knows, he might even find someone else who will love him, but your time together is well and truly over in my opinion.

It's not too late to find the love of your life OP.

I would be really blunt with him and say he’s not taking care of himself and that’s not ok. It’s not healthy and it’s not attractive. I would be telling him he needs to put some major effort into his personal hygiene, effort round the house and eating habits. At the moment he is taking it for granted that you will stick around no matter how he acts - you need to make it clear that isn’t the case, some level of effort is needed. Ask how he would feel about you if you did the things he’s doing.

Well, so you have said that he has been to the dentist multiple times and it improves temporarily but then goes back to how it was.

Again, to separate the attraction issue and the marriage issue - he's doing stuff that gives you the ick.

Some of it is stuff he might need to do and have privacy for - you mention cleaning ear wax.

Some of it - licking the kids plates - less so.

If you think he has sleep apnoea then it's worth working with him to try to sort this rather than giving up. The treatment will be more than a mouth guard.

A lot of this is giving me 'the ick' but after 16 years together, marriage and 2 kids. You owe it to yourselves to try and get some help on this.

See if you can both visit the GP together. But make it clear (in a nice way) that a lot of this things adding up together will 'be the straw that breaks your back'

This.

I love my husband but I'm straight with him, I'd really mind it jf he became like this. Honesty is the best policy

I don't think in a relationship if one partner decides to opt out of looking after themselves the other one has to just lump it?

Different for sickness - other issues where there was no helping it and the other person is doing their best.

Though I don't mean you should just leave a note on the table saying - don't fancy you any more - bye!

Mature love isn't really about physical attraction (although it doesn't hurt). It's ultimately about making a choice to grow with a person and commit to learn and change with each other as the years go by.

I suspect the repulsion you feel is not at your DH's physical appearance or habits per se - it is about what these things say about his personality and his inability to commit to being better. We all want to be hopeful about life, and a partner who seems on an unalterable path downwards is very depressing.

YANBU.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with him. But I think it's extremely drastic if you consider leaving him for this - presumably you made vows to each other when you got married?

you should be straight with him.
if normal talk does not change things, you need to clearly tell him that he starts to disgust you.
if that does not help- do not feel bad for feeling that way

1 go to drs about sleep apnea, there are things that can help, even an op that can be done.

2 Do a healthy eating and fitness plan you can both do together.

3 Be kind, he may be feeling crap about himself, you're a team so help him.

I agree. My DH and I are best friends, we are a team, we have fun together, we have a family and it means everything.
If he put on weight I wouldn't stop wanting to be with him. It might make me less sexually attracted to him, but I wouldn't stop loving him.
This isn't love and probably never was.

But I dont think you should stay out of any obligation, you deserve to be happy too.

When a woman posts something like “I’ve gained weight over the last few years and have recently developed hormonal acne which is unsightly. My DH won’t touch me and says he’s going to leave me because he finds me disgusting” the responses are generally “I bet he’s an ugly pig himself” and “Shallow piece of shit, you’re better off without him” with an added “He’s probably addicted to porn and thinks women are meant to look like plastic sex dolls.”

Woman posts something similar about her husband and immediately gets a flurry of responses that amount to “Yeah, just divorce the fat cunt.”

I cannot begin to imagine talking about my partner like this. Twenty-one years into our relationship, of course he doesn’t look like he did when we first met. But neither do I.

If you truly dislike your husband as much as it sounds like you do, then by all means divorce him, but don’t make out that it’s his fault.

I really feel for you OP. I had a similar experience with ex partner (thankfully I didn’t marry him but he is the father of my child). Put loads of weight on, lazy attitude, getting up in the middle of the night for a “snack” because he was hungry - wtf! Wore the same Jeans for weeks (without underwear) and didn’t wash them! Totally gross 🤢. Let his tooth that needed a filling replaced just rot away, instead of going to see the dentist. There was no changing him - no matter what I said I was accused of “being controlling” and trying to change him. We are thankfully no longer together.

This was 10 years ago. I thought he might sort himself out once we were split up but he hasn’t changed - he’s bigger than ever and lives alone like an utter slob. I hate my child having to go there to visit him as his house is like one of those hoarders houses with rubbish and dirt piled up. It’s bizarre - he was fit, attractive and slim when I first met him. He is a different person now.

Have the conversations with him and be honest with him. Will he change? Do you think you could get the spark back if he made the effort? If not or you just don’t think you can get past it then there is no shame in moving on.

The mouth guard sounds disgusting. I have one because of my snoring, but it was fitted after a referral from my GP and my teeth and gums had to be in A1 condition before it could be fitted. It's several years ago now but I was checked out at the local dental hospital as well as my own dentist before I could have the guard fitted.
Your husband needs to see a dentist. If his gum disease is that bad at 34 he's in danger of having no teeth!
That said, he does sound vile in other ways. The belly button thing is grim.

It gets worse! The weight gain, the gingivitis, the unhygienic mouth, the belly button probing, the leaving plates around and now licking them?? I'd struggle to regain any lust or love with all this going on. And yes, I'm a seriously overweight slice and would absolutely expect my (non-existent) other-half to feel exactly the same.

Op this is unacceptable.

Tooth decay and gingivitis is caused by bacteria that is introduced to the mouth. He's eating your kids food and his god awful mouth gems an are then in the kids food and on the son and they then eat that. This would 100% be a total and utter deal breaker for me.

I love my gushes but active teeth decay and visible dental issues absurdly turn my stomach. I can't help my reaction to this and I couldn't, could not, kiss him or be intimate with him.

Steroids taken during cancer treatment can make you put on a shit tonne of weight and there's really nothing you can do about it.

Honestly I get the sentiment but this is ridiculously shallow and I would suggest that if you no longer love someone because their body has changed then you probably never loved them very much to begin with.

Get rid of him. You didn’t marry a lazy fat slob and he’s making no effort to change that.

But if you don’t, you don’t. You can’t make yourself.

would losing weight and going to the dentist for treatment make a difference? If you think it would, get him to do both those things.

If you think it’s irretrievable, the kindest thing is to end it.

Just one thing, if my DH had a mouth guard that was regularly filled with blood I would never see it. He would be worried that I would find it unattractive and hide it until he could solve the problem himself. The cause of your ick is his lack of consideration and care for you, not his weight gain or gum disease per se.

You should not feel bad because of the way you feel about your husband appearance. Taking care of himself is one of the ways a husband should take care of his family.

The gingivitis can be treated by his dentist. Nag him. Point out the connection with heart disease.

Why are you even seeing his mouth guard?

There are loads of gross things about the human body but we usually give people privacy to deal with it.

Isn't there a huge spectrum/many steps between noticing someone is less physically attractive in a certain point of there lives, and leaving? Can no discussion be had? Steps be taken?