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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m going to hell.

281 replies

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:01

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 27/03/2024 11:25

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love. Biscuit

If a man said this about his wife there would be uproar.

PrettyPines · 27/03/2024 11:24

Sounds like he needs a dentist? That's surely a hygiene issue and does sound a bit gross.

The weight thing sounds like something you could work on together? Maybe walks at the weekends and healthier dinners? I'm not sure id end my marriage over my husband's weight.

Could it be that you've fallen out of love and you're noticing these things? At the end of my last relationship i remember feeling physically sick at most of the things he did and that's when i knew I didn't love him anymore.

SKG231 · 27/03/2024 11:20

You can raise all your concerns, just gently.

don’t make the weight thing just about him. Mention that as a family you want everyone to be eating better and being more active. Don’t but bad snacks to keep in the house and get everybody out on the weekends. Compliment him when you see change and tell him how great it is to see a change.

With regards to the intimacy, again he honestly but gentle. Next time he tries to be intimate tell him that you know it’s necessary for him to use but the gum shield really grosses you out and could he possibly put it away/brush his teeth.

Towerofsong · 27/03/2024 11:19

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love. Biscuit

There is a difference between love and attraction.

For a romantic relationship you need both.

Original poster
Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why would it not be real?
and why is saying he had no jawline uncalled for, his face looked completely different without his beard and I honestly couldn’t believe it.

OP posts:
the80sweregreat · 27/03/2024 11:17

Dh and I grew fatter together over the years and that wasn't good, but it also meant I couldn't say too much to him really without me addressing my issues too
We have been on diets together, but it's harder as you age to keep it up and stay fit
Sounds like you have other issues though if you don't fancy him anymore.
I know a few couples like this and one ended up having an exit affair as she couldn't bear her husband and his food addiction anymore.
Maybe you need to tell him how you feel, go food shopping together to buy some healthier foods or join a gym together or keep fit or a hobby of some kind that involves getting a bit fitter? (I know it's harder if you have children and not that cheap)
Send him to the hygienist about his gums?
Things will fester though , it's better to be up front with him I think.

SheepAndSword · 27/03/2024 11:17

@Meowthh it sounds like you feel revulsion towards him.

There's no shame in splitting if you lack any desire to be intimate with him so talk to him but put it gently.

rumbypumby · 27/03/2024 11:17

Boak

AllieOup · 27/03/2024 11:17

Do you think of he lost weight and took better care of himself your spark for him would reignite?

If so, you need to have a gentle talk with him about turning his life around.

If you think it's too late regardless then you need to leave as its cruel to keep him in a sex less, loveless marriage.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/03/2024 11:16

Imagine if a man came on here and said his wife gained weight so now he is repulsed by her. I'm sure the responses would be very different

MarkSloaneComeBack · 27/03/2024 11:16

Well the obvious answer would be for you to tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity tp change

MadamVastra · 27/03/2024 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SayFuckTheLemonsAndBail · 27/03/2024 11:15

You can't make yourself feel attracted to someone. It's not a moral failing if you don't have those feelings anymore.

SayFuckTheLemonsAndBail · 27/03/2024 11:14

6Y5T · 27/03/2024 11:12

It sounds like he would be better off without you tbh

That was uncalled for.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/03/2024 11:14

He urgently needs a dentist. If the mouth guard is off the shelf it probably doesn't fit properly and causes more damage.
Does he use chlorhexidine mouthwash at least twice a day? That eases gingivitis and stops odour.
If you get him to see a dentist and he follows the treatment plan at least he's showing willing. You have every right to say his condition is putting you off him. It's antisocial and anti-sexual.

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love. Biscuit

Original poster
Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:12

6Y5T · 27/03/2024 11:12

It sounds like he would be better off without you tbh

I already feel so bad please don’t

OP posts:
PlumbersWifey · 27/03/2024 11:12

Sounds revolting. You met very young. Maybe it's time to experience un-revolting things.

6Y5T · 27/03/2024 11:12

It sounds like he would be better off without you tbh

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2024 11:12

Why are you going to hell?

MaddenA · 27/03/2024 11:11

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:10

Shouldn’t I just love him regardless?

No. You can't choose who you love. You can't force yourself to love someone. It is normal to fall out of love, and it is absolutely reasonable to leave if you're unhappy. You are a person too.

Original poster
Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:10

Shouldn’t I just love him regardless?

OP posts:
Haydenn · 27/03/2024 11:09

You are too young to settle for this. You are looking at decades of misery. You deserve to be happy

Original poster
Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:08

EspressoMacchiato · 27/03/2024 11:07

You need honest but gentle communication.

I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

He shaved off his beard once and honestly it is something I cannot un see. He had no jawline and looked like a completely different person.

OP posts:
MaddenA · 27/03/2024 11:08

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:06

I feel so bad, he is the father of my children but I just can’t pretend anymore.

Guilt is a pointless but unavoidable emotion in situations like this. It will fade. I have never known anyone to come back from this once they've reached the point of being repulsed by their partner.