Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

RichTea90 · 2024-03-26T17:56:15+00:00

Hi everyone, I hope you are well. I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June) I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me. I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc. she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out. am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either. p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

Original poster

RichTea90 · 30/03/2024 07:58

Dulra · 28/03/2024 11:35

@RichTea90
Best of luck with it, anxiety is so crippling, I suffered from post natal anxiety and it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I hope you can get peace from it soon but you also need to go at the pace you are comfortable with. CBT may be a good option for you. One thing I do when I feel my anxiety levels going up is think of the worst case scenario and come up with a plan for that if it happens. I feel having some control over the situation helps me but that is one of my coping tools so may not work for you.

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:

Dulra · 28/03/2024 11:35

@RichTea90
Best of luck with it, anxiety is so crippling, I suffered from post natal anxiety and it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I hope you can get peace from it soon but you also need to go at the pace you are comfortable with. CBT may be a good option for you. One thing I do when I feel my anxiety levels going up is think of the worst case scenario and come up with a plan for that if it happens. I feel having some control over the situation helps me but that is one of my coping tools so may not work for you.

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 11:28

Tahinii · 28/03/2024 11:23

Change can be hard for people with anxiety and you’ve worked it up into a big deal.
Take a breather and work through what is really bothering you. Anxiety is a bitch because sometimes the thing you’re worrying about is masking the true feelings underneath.
I feel like you would want to go and you would enjoy yourself so I think it’s worth working through your difficult emotions. Best of luck.

Yep I agree. I do want to go. I do want to have this experience. Croatia is lovely. I want to enjoy it. I’m just scared of going and having all these horrible negative emotions that I won’t be able to escape from because I’m there for a week!

OP posts:

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 11:26

Dulra · 28/03/2024 10:53

I have read most of the thread and what stands out to me is that a lot of your concerns and worries are as a result of your anxiety. I am glad to hear you are receiving therapy for it and I think this situation and how you have responded to it is worth discussing with your therapist, because to me it looks like your anxiety is getting in the way of you living and enjoying your life. I don't think it is at all unreasonable for a bride to ask whoever she wants to be her bridesmaid, I do think it is unreasonable that the bride would have to consider each of those bridesmaids situations and who they are and aren't attending the wedding with when choosing who she wants as a bridesmaid. I am sure there are plenty of people on here (me included) who have attended weddings knowing very few (if any) other guests and have managed to enjoy themselves regardless.

I just thought more people may be able to see where I am coming from, but I can see the overwhelming majority believe me to unreasonable and that’s fine, i will accept that!

I think people struggle to see where you are coming from because the situation is not something they would struggle with, they don't suffer with anxiety or overthink situations to the extent you have. Many of us do not struggle with going to events on our own or travelling abroad on our own and I think the fact you do to the point where you are considering not going is so hard for you and I hope you will be able to address some of this with your therapist. There is also no shame in explaining to the bride the reasons you feel you won't be able to attend but you need to remember they are your reasons and your feelings and the bride is not responsible for them. I don't think they have done anything wrong. I do hope you go and have a good time but if the situation is going to be too much and make you anxious it may be best to sit this one out and work towards finding ways to cope if scenarios like this come up again. You are a young woman and deserve to be happy and live a good full life

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I would agree with your reflections.

I have brought my therapy appointment forwards, and I’ll be discussing all of this with my therapist. I don’t understand why I am so anxious, I never used to be like this when I was younger. I was so much more carefree. I even travelled to Asia on my own in my mid 20s. I have become over sensitive, and I don’t know how not to be 🤷‍♀️

You are right, other people cannot see my perspective as they are not clouded with anxiety…
that’s why I’ve found a lot of people’s reactions on here hurtful and attacking…

I guess I started this thread to try and check out if my response is out of line. I’m glad some people are able to see where I am coming from to some degree tho!

OP posts:

Tahinii · 28/03/2024 11:23

Change can be hard for people with anxiety and you’ve worked it up into a big deal.
Take a breather and work through what is really bothering you. Anxiety is a bitch because sometimes the thing you’re worrying about is masking the true feelings underneath.
I feel like you would want to go and you would enjoy yourself so I think it’s worth working through your difficult emotions. Best of luck.

Dulra · 28/03/2024 10:53

I have read most of the thread and what stands out to me is that a lot of your concerns and worries are as a result of your anxiety. I am glad to hear you are receiving therapy for it and I think this situation and how you have responded to it is worth discussing with your therapist, because to me it looks like your anxiety is getting in the way of you living and enjoying your life. I don't think it is at all unreasonable for a bride to ask whoever she wants to be her bridesmaid, I do think it is unreasonable that the bride would have to consider each of those bridesmaids situations and who they are and aren't attending the wedding with when choosing who she wants as a bridesmaid. I am sure there are plenty of people on here (me included) who have attended weddings knowing very few (if any) other guests and have managed to enjoy themselves regardless.

I just thought more people may be able to see where I am coming from, but I can see the overwhelming majority believe me to unreasonable and that’s fine, i will accept that!

I think people struggle to see where you are coming from because the situation is not something they would struggle with, they don't suffer with anxiety or overthink situations to the extent you have. Many of us do not struggle with going to events on our own or travelling abroad on our own and I think the fact you do to the point where you are considering not going is so hard for you and I hope you will be able to address some of this with your therapist. There is also no shame in explaining to the bride the reasons you feel you won't be able to attend but you need to remember they are your reasons and your feelings and the bride is not responsible for them. I don't think they have done anything wrong. I do hope you go and have a good time but if the situation is going to be too much and make you anxious it may be best to sit this one out and work towards finding ways to cope if scenarios like this come up again. You are a young woman and deserve to be happy and live a good full life

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 10:30

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/03/2024 10:06

What we're you hoping the responses would be OP?

Show quote history

To be perfectly honest, I was actually hoping for a bit more empathy and understanding. I really don’t mean to come across as self-centred or anything if that’s how I’m coming across to some people?

im super happy for my friend and I’m so happy and thankful to be invited for her special day.

evidently I have some issues with rejection and feeling excluded, that’s obviously what it is and that’s something I’ll bring to therapy to work on!

I just thought more people may be able to see where I am coming from, but I can see the overwhelming majority believe me to unreasonable and that’s fine, i will accept that!

OP posts:

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 10:27

Caroparo52 · 28/03/2024 10:17

Re frame this situation. How lucky you are to be there in Croazia for the wedding but not involved in the stressful part of the wedding party. Be gracious and celebrate with your 2 friends. Don't be the hard done by person who ruins it for everyone else. Join in as much as you can and support and add to the event. Offer your help graciously and above all enjoy.

Thank you - this is helpful xx

OP posts:

Caroparo52 · 28/03/2024 10:17

Re frame this situation. How lucky you are to be there in Croazia for the wedding but not involved in the stressful part of the wedding party. Be gracious and celebrate with your 2 friends. Don't be the hard done by person who ruins it for everyone else. Join in as much as you can and support and add to the event. Offer your help graciously and above all enjoy.

hopscotcher · 28/03/2024 10:16

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/03/2024 10:06

What we're you hoping the responses would be OP?

Show quote history

Also wondering this. Hope you manage to go to the wedding and have a nice time, OP.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/03/2024 10:06

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 07:10

Thank you. I’m glad someone else has noticed it and not just me. I honestly feel completely targeted!! Thread hasn’t been useful at all bar some helpful and understanding responses.

Show quote history

What we're you hoping the responses would be OP?

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 08:51

xyz111 · 28/03/2024 07:19

You asked aibu, but then getting annoyed with people when they say yes. Any suggestions you seem to knock down. Not everyone is going to agree with you.

Yes - you’re right…

OP posts:

xyz111 · 28/03/2024 07:19

You asked aibu, but then getting annoyed with people when they say yes. Any suggestions you seem to knock down. Not everyone is going to agree with you.

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 07:10

pictoosh · 28/03/2024 06:53

Some posters have got quite carried away on this thread OP...it's a pile-on.
A different day and you'd get replies supporting you.

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

From someone up there...
How random and nasty. Doesn't know you from a stranger in the street but feels at liberty to impart that. So self-assured - that's the attraction of a pile-on.
Leave them to it and make your own mind up. This thread has not been very useful. x

Thank you. I’m glad someone else has noticed it and not just me. I honestly feel completely targeted!! Thread hasn’t been useful at all bar some helpful and understanding responses.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 28/03/2024 06:53

Some posters have got quite carried away on this thread OP...it's a pile-on.
A different day and you'd get replies supporting you.

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

From someone up there...
How random and nasty. Doesn't know you from a stranger in the street but feels at liberty to impart that. So self-assured - that's the attraction of a pile-on.
Leave them to it and make your own mind up. This thread has not been very useful. x

Original poster

RichTea90 · 28/03/2024 06:11

pictoosh · 27/03/2024 21:48

I'm outgoing and sociable and I wouldn't relish this event at all. I'm being honest. I wouldn't enjoy drifting round like a spare part, separate from my friends in the bridal party.
I do a lot of things on my own...camp, run, hillwalk, travel. I am not afraid of being alone. I enjoy it. I choose it.
Not at a four day wedding though.
Certainly wouldn't use a week of annual leave to do it.

That’s exactly how I feel…

OP posts:

pictoosh · 27/03/2024 21:48

I'm outgoing and sociable and I wouldn't relish this event at all. I'm being honest. I wouldn't enjoy drifting round like a spare part, separate from my friends in the bridal party.
I do a lot of things on my own...camp, run, hillwalk, travel. I am not afraid of being alone. I enjoy it. I choose it.
Not at a four day wedding though.
Certainly wouldn't use a week of annual leave to do it.

Original poster

RichTea90 · 27/03/2024 21:09

nononocontact · 27/03/2024 16:38

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

Show quote history

😬

OP posts:

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 27/03/2024 19:16

MyTravelMugIsForVodkaShhh · 27/03/2024 05:10

You’ve had some kind responses here, some of which you’ve responded incredibly rudely to, so I’m not going to bother being kind.

You sound self-centred, immature and plain bloody awful. It’s your friend’s wedding and you’re whining about being ‘left out’ but simultaneously complaining about being invited to so many events, most of the events being ones you find ‘toxic’.

If I were you, I’d decline the whole thing, allow the bride space to invite a more positive presence. And do be sure to tell her it’s because you can’t bear to be alone for a few hours because that will definitely give her, and all her BMs, a good laugh as she’s tries to finish planning one of the most important weeks of her life.

Honestly, the sheer hubris of you. The arrogance to try and make it about you all while making out SHE’S done something wrong.

Decline. People like you are the worst. Poll says it all: YABU.

Are you rude or what?

Vistada · 27/03/2024 17:18

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 27/03/2024 12:21

ax, I wish I'd spotted this before I typed my response, it says everything I was trying to, 100 times better and clearer - and was already there. @Vistada this is the kindest and most helpful reply I've seen on here in a long time and I really hope OP is able to reflect on it

Show quote history

Aw shucks thank you!

nononocontact · 27/03/2024 16:38

Spirallingdownwards · 27/03/2024 16:30

Except your whole thread is about how you don't want to go now ...

Show quote history

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

Spirallingdownwards · 27/03/2024 16:30

RichTea90 · 27/03/2024 12:01

That’s not true at all - she is welcome to do whatever she wants to do and have as much fun as she likes! No guilt tripping from me!

Show quote history

Except your whole thread is about how you don't want to go now ...

rookiemere · 27/03/2024 15:31

I do have to agree on one point.

It is kind of odd to give a no partner invite when the wedding is abroad and you're hopefully aware that the invitee is in a serious relationship.

FredaFandango · 27/03/2024 15:27

RichTea90 · 27/03/2024 14:57

Thank you for sharing - this is exactly what I am worrying will happen if I’m honest… and it’s not like I can just slip off early and go home… I’ll be surrounded by all her family and friends and just feel a bit of an outsider. I do think it’s a bit unfair not to allow plus ones, but again I accepted the invite under the impression I’d have a bit of a wing woman!

Show quote history

First of all, I can empathise in why you feel the way you do about the actual wedding event.
That said, you and your friend arranged a week away together, you feel hurt that things have changed, but the only thing that has changed is she's committed to being a bridesmaid on that day.

The rest of the week will be exactly the same, she will be with you at receptions and beaches just the way she would have been, and if you cancel you are leaving HER high and dry for a whole week, and not just a few hours.

You are very keen to say how they haven't considered your feelings, but if you cancel you are doing a lot worse.

I would treat it like a weeks holiday with your friend where she has commitments for a few hours and bite the bullet.
But no matter how many folk try to tell you it's not a personal slight to YOU but because the bride is close to your friend and wants her as BM, you seem to think she shouldn't have done it.

So yes since you asked, you are unreasonable.

burnoutbabe · 27/03/2024 15:20

i'd investigate the set up of the venue? if its a large hotel then one can always "go for a walk" and find a comfy chair to sit in for an hour and read your kindle on your phone during the "mingle for an hour/Photos" part.

if after the meal there is still a bridesmaid gang going on and you are on your tod, of course you can leave early "with a headache"