To feel fedup with MiL

YANBU. At ALL! God I’d cut her out. Do as you’re doing - your partner can take baby to see her but you just stop bothering. She sounds relentlessly exhausting and it’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if your partner hardly bothered either.
we are also a fertility family - IVF - and my MIL came round to ours with an awful (just typical older generation annoying) person when our first was 2 weeks old. They massively outstayed their welcome and were incredibly annoying, kept telling me to rest when the baby was resting etc, which he was when they were there but I couldn’t because they were there!! Wouldn’t let me take him back to change his nappy, or (breast!!) feed him.. I was furious by the end and we haven’t had in laws around again since, even when the other two were born! We go to them but never them to us.

god I feel exhausted and sad for you!

Similar situation. I would have a conversation and tell her how I feel. Stand your ground. She ain’t going to change sadly.

I would say she sounds a pain in the bum, but you seem able to see and acknowledge it.

I wouldn't cut her off, as people are suggesting, i think thats a bit extreme. but I would just make things be on your terms. Stop inviting her out with you and baby if she's going to make jabs, and if she asks you or your partner why then you just tell her 'last time we went out you made some comments so I thought you didn't enjoy yourself and you'd rather see baby with your son'.
I can see how it's gotten to you so don't Subject yourself to her alone but you seem to be able to see that it isn't you, which is the biggest danger isn't it.

Smile and correct (not nod) is what I do. My favourite was 'aw is daddy babysitting whilst mummy goes out again?' (He goes out way way more than me) and I said 'no, daddy is parenting'

You’re clearly very upset by all of this and desperately trying to make sense of it.
i think all the rambling is indicative of you trying to find reasons. I’d try to categorise her behaviour into baskets instead of going over and over things in your head as this is clearly making you anxious, and I’m concerned how much brain space, energy and time you spend trying to work out why she does things.
shes robbing you of your sanity.
shes so manipulative that you’ve lost your compass of normality.

forget the detail of what she does. It’s sucking on your energy and making you anxious

set your boundaries. Set them for your own peace and tranquility.

let her be her. Don’t pay attention. Don’t repeat the stories of what she does. Don’t let them live in your head.

Boundaries

I had a similar type situation. She didn’t respect any boundaries.

When I first had son he cried continuously for first week. They came over uninvited and decided we needed help. They guilted me into giving my breastfed child formula (I wanted him to be exclusive) and convinced me my breast feeding was wrong. They insisted baby would sleep with them that night despite my protests. My break point was waking up engorged and asking husband to pop in and get the baby. He sheepishly returned to the room and told me ‘mum says no you’re not waking him’
I held strong to the morning and called the midwife first thing absolutely sobbing. She was amazing and helped me remove my u wanted guests.

There was always friction after that and continuing comments on my parenting, she would refuse to follow any of the rules we set out (like not forcing them to finish a dinner) and we had to stop her ever baby sitting.

When I was pregnant with daughter I was very clear I did not want visitors for the first 3 days. She went off. Didn’t speak to us for 3 months, constantly gave the husband earache that she wanted to be the first to meet baby and that it was unfair. She hated me after that.

It ultimately was a big part in the end of my marriage. I would say have very serious talks with your husband about not letting the frictions impact your own relationships. You are allowed boundaries, you are allowed respect and you can choose to put a little more distance between her and yourself for the sake of your sanity.

She’s a narcissist OP. An empty shell. You’re there to fill the void and be her entertainment. She’ll be nice for a while if she thinks she’s pushed the boundaries a bit too far because she’s scared of losing her DS and the baby.

Maybe head over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships and look at Dr Ramani on YouTube. Treat her like the toddler she is. It will get worse as your baby gets older so prepare yourself as much as possible now. My kids are older now and understand that their grandma can be a cow but when they’re little and Grandma is being lovely to them and bringing presents it’s a difficult situation to manage.

I love the medium chill technique, haven’t seen it explained like that before but it is exactly what I have ended up doing with difficult family members who are always trying to start fights and cause drama. It has really annoyed them that I now don’t react, but they have stopped trying to argue and have ended up leaving me alone which is great.

You’ve done far too much to try to please this awful, manipulative, selfish, malicious woman. Yet whatever you do won’t be enough. She enjoys putting you down.
Your wellbeing matters as much as her desire to play games. Reduce contact to the minimum and when you do have to see her, grey rock. Walk away as soon as she starts criticising and game playing.

After nine years of being on the receiving end of such behaviour - NOBODY would like her, not just the OP. But any dislike the OP may have for her MIL is 100% down to MIL's behaviour.

You're very dismissive of the effect someone like this MIL can have on other people.

Too long; stopped reading halfway through, sorry.

However, in answer to:

AIBU To feel fedup with MiL?

I'd say that on MN it's VVU not to be fed up with your MiL.

She sounds awful. Agree, you don't have to spend time with her so don't. If your DH wants to see her, great - you don't have to go too.

This, sorry. Two weeks is absolutely ridiculous and cruelly selfish. I'm not defending your MIL's behaviour AT ALL. However like PP said, I don't think you're sharing the full story. I mean it's human nature to leave out parts of a narrative that paints ourselves in a bad light but I think it's only fair to include it all.
It sounds to me like you are searching for things to be annoyed at her for, whether you're consciously aware of it or not. Like you have an offence-radar permanently scanning. MILs are not (usually) people you would normally socialise with and therefore she's inevitably going to have differing opinions to you at times. That's normal. The mature way to handle it, is to create a stock response that bats it back to her (PPs have offered a few good examples above) and disregard.
Obviously if it escalates that's different but it doesn't sound like it has so far.

When I became a new mum, my own DM made some remarks which stuck with me and tbh I prob won’t ever forgive or forget but she's my DM and a good GM to DC so I gave a good counter response and moved on from it. If I'd posted on MN I'd probably have been told to go NC etc but if I had, then my DC would've paid the highest price by losing a grandparent.

I'm not saying just allow her to say and do whatever she likes, of course not. What I'm suggesting is reacting differently to it. Stock responses are the answer in my personal opinion

You don't owe anyone your peace and happiness. Stay away from her altogether. If your husband wants to visit her with your baby, that's fine. You absolutely DO NOT OWE this woman another minute of your time. And your husband knows what she is and must support his wife and the mother of his child in her efforts to have a life free from poisonous input from his mother.

She is never going to like you, she is never going to respect you, and the more you try to keep the peace the more that will enable her to walk over you. Give up trying to be kind and polite now.

When she says something like not to eat in front of the baby, just look her in the eye, say “stop being ridiculous” and carry on. I wouldn’t see her without your husband there at all and if she complains just say “I want you to have a relationship with your grandchild, but it has become obvious over the years you dislike me and I accept that that is not going to change so DH will have to be with us”

It’s a power move by here, take the power back. You’ll have the next 20 years of your life like this otherwise

In addition to this your post sounds a bit like a red flag itself / there’s a lot of “I” in here but not a lot of “we” as in you & your husband. Just ask your husband to take your child round to see his parents separately - if you don’t want to do this then I think you are part of the problem too

How is this realistic, this response is just as toxic as MIL. It’s not just about the poster maybe her husband wants to see his parents? her husband can go see his parents with their child on his own for an hour or so every few weekends- or an hour on an evening - solves the poster having to see her. This is what I do with my In Laws and it works perfectly.

There’s a lot of “you” comments in here but not a lot of “we decided” I.e. you and your husband.

Amazing! Love these come backs!

You poor thing, she sounds absolutely unbearable and this entire situation sounds like it is making you so anxious. I have had similar situations and the one thing I’ve learned that I really REALLY have to try and remember is that her words ultimately have no power. She can say what she wants but YOU have the power to decide If you get bogged down by them. She sounds like an absolute nightmare but she isn’t going to change, this is clearly the type of person she is, but how you respond to her CAN change. Remember, you know you’re a good parent and doing what’s best for YOUR child, it doesn’t actually matter in any way what she thinks or says, despite her own inflated sense of self-importance. Learning to breathe, ignore and NOT get frustrated by her is the key here. Limit your contact for now whilst you have therapy - therapy will take time but is worth it, and there will come a day where you CAN be alone with her and just let her be her irritating obnoxious self whilst not getting triggered by her. Sending you a big hug x

I don’t see my mil every time my husband sees a her - when he takes the kids to see her I enjoy a few hours of reading my
book on my own - it’s the only “me” time I get so I embrace it.

You don’t need to see her any regularly just because your husband does. You can’t never see her again it’s not realistic esp for your husbands sake - but you can limit your amount of exposure to her. Preferably if he wants to see her ask him to see her in the am so it doesn’t impact the rest of your day.

She will never change by sounds so you need to build a stronger armour. Don’t respond to her chances are she does this for a reaction. Just limit YOUR contact with her.

You need to accept that she is not going to change how she is with you or what she does - that means you are the one that needs to change for it to be different. You need to stop seeing her so frequently, stop inviting them round, stop meeting up so much - your partner should take the lead with his parents. Plan and arrange things for the 3 of you to do on your own without PILs. If your partner is taking your DC to see your parents you don't always need to go, perhaps you need to catch up on housework (aka having a nap), no need to be rude but make a reasonable excuse. Gradually, but very clearly, cut the strings.

Obviously ( and understandably) she doesn’t like her.
Would you like someone who treats you this way?
And no, OP does “not need” to get on with it.
There is no need to accept such behaviour, even from family

OP, I think your partner really needs to have a long sitdown with her and threaten to go NC for all you unless she changes. And I would move. Far away from her. I really would. Seeing her once every two months would be too much for me. Once a week, is beyond batshit crazy in your situation. Please seriously consider moving at least several hours away, if you won't go NC completely.

You cannot change her or the way she behaves. You can only change how you respond to her and how much you let her stupid comments upset you. If I were you, I'd be minimising my contact with her and making DH take the baby to see her. You don't have to facilitate the relationship at all, she's not your problem.