Husband's Reactions!

Hope you're single then, people like you shouldn't inflict yourselves on others, especially if you're self aware that you're arseholes.

Situations like in @MrsHankSchrader 's OP are a double delight for an abuser. There they are just going about their usual business when something unexpected happens. It's a gift to them - they now have a valid excuse, in their eyes, to vent their wrath on their victim and they haven't had to do any work for it, to make it happen. Their apparent anger isn't necessarily their genuine emotion.

I had one like this. Now divorced.

Why would you say this?
we used to have breakfast, dinner and dinner where I grew up 😁

Give over. Unless someone's life is in imminent danger, shouting and screaming is never acceptable. For fuck's sake.

No I wouldn't shout and scream at them. I'd shout and scream about the shittiness of the situation and how planning on both of our sides needs to improve.

Seriously?

You would shout at your spouse because he/she couldn’t magic up the exact meal you needed at the click of a finger?

I don’t understand what the upside is to being in a marriage like this

I just feel that other peoples partners/husbands might have said oh never mind I will make something else to take

I can well imagine dh saying 'Oh for fucks sake!'. Maybe even slinging the offending chicken in the bin with some welly. Irritation is normal, people aren't generally saints and they're allowed to be annoyed, even by minor inconveniences.

The difference is that dh's irritation would be aimed at the chicken and Aldi...not at me, whose fault it clearly isn't. And after a one minute grumpy sulk to himself, he'd get some eggs out or whatever and just move on.

Your dh repeatedly questioning you and berating you over it is not normal and not something you should have to get used to.

@Sausage1989

its such a shame when people don't have any experiences outside of their own wee village..

Leave him. That is all. What an irredeemable arsehole he is.

Life is too short for you and your children to have to put up with this shit.

Whats your situation? Do you work? Have you got access to your own money?

If you want to get a glimpse into your possible future, let me tell you about my life.

My Mother was exactly like your husband. Us three children were to blame for everything, she thought she was God’s gift and would shout at us for any accidents, call us names, blame us for things that weren’t our fault, used us as an emotional punchbag, didn’t treat us with very much love or kindness.

My Father was very passive, he was treated like shit by our Mother too. He allowed her to treat him and us badly.

Fast forward 20 years. He’s still married to her today and is miserable as sin, I feel so sad for him at the miserable life he has chosen to stay in.

All three of us barely have any contact with our Mum and Dad. I’m angry at how she treated us. I’m just as angry at my dad for passively staying with her. Do you want this for you and your daughter in 20 years time?

I'd react like your oh to be honest. Not ideal he needs to work out better strategies as do i

If in 10 years time you saw your daughter being spoken to like that by her partner what would your advice be?

Take your own advice.

Hey? 🙄

Yep. Life without him. 👆

Ffs. Was that really necessary? Do you feel better now?

Yes mine would.
Sorry your husband is such a twat.

When you are with an abuser it can be very difficult to see their behaviour for what it is. They keep your head filled with them and their 'what sort of mood will he be in/what can I do to please him/he was angry about the chicken I'll buy him his favourite to make up for it/I'll not wear these jeans he doesn't really like them' shit intentionally so that we have no room for anything else; it's a headfuck and it may well start affecting you physically. If and when you are free from him you will see his behaviour with the clarity that those of us who are not under his cloud can.

Do not doubt yourself. This is not your fault. Please consider contacting Women's Aid, just for a chat, you're under no obligation to do anything. I think it would be useful for you to start finding some strength, posting here was a good first step, it's not so difficult to put your toe towards the next one

You’re not too soft op. Bullies pick on others to make themselves feel big and strong. Leave him and show him how strong you are, he will realise what a weak and pathetic man he is without you to project his anger onto x

His reaction is so rude.

He had nothing for his tea - no one's fault

He swore at you - ALL his fault

Him having no tea is not your fault and he shouldn't have sworn at him. Tbh I think I might have told him to make his own tea and lunch himself if he's going to talk to me like that. I'd have then taken myself off to somewhere else to have my own tea

It's an appalling way to speak to someone. My ex was the same, and it was one of reasons I left him.

You’re under reacting and subjecting your daughter to living with abuse. Please consider how to leave, you’d get loads of support on here but do you have any support in real life?

Leave this person, life is short and can be tough, you just don't need this negativity.

You're not over reacting (under-reacting if anything)
You're not too soft/sensitive/emotional (this is what people say when they get pulled up - rightly- for upsetting you un-necessarily)

Look up DARVO
Deny
Accuse
Reverse Victim and Offender

Someone put something up the other day, can't remember it all, but it was in the lines of
no I didn't
and if I did it wasn't so bad
and if I did you deserved it
and if I did it was your fault
(something like that)

Can I suggest you put him in the same place you put the chicken?
(PS Aldi chickens need cooking ASAP, I've found, but that's the least of your worries, OP)

This is controlling and coercive behaviour.

He demands you to cook him what he wants when he wants.

He becomes angry and shouts at you, not because he's lost control, but to intimidate you.

He then gaslights you into believing this isn't a big deal and implies you are somehow mental because you have a uterus.

His anger is directly linked to you not complying with the rules of the game which he probably changes how he sees fit.

I would urge you to do the Freedom Programme if you get an opportunity. You are in danger and it appears you cannot see it.