2 months without seeing friends

Totally normal! I see my girly friends once every 5 -6 months! Rest of time I'm with my DS and DH.

It's quite normal in adult life, for me anyway. I have a friendship group with 4 of us, 3 work in a school and have half terms, I am currently on mat leave but work in a private nursery (all year round). Two of us have babies/children, the other two don't and love to go travelling in the half terms. Finding time that suits all of our lifestyles is difficult but we have a great time when we arrange to meet. Totally get you are a little miffed but everyone has busy lives.

@wombleberry

I think it's totally understandable that you're taking this personally. I just would keep in mind that the majority of people will come out of this small child bubble at some point.

Those who have taken time and trouble to keep their friendships going will reap the benefits of this because they will still have friends. Those who have disappeared into a hole will suddenly wake up one morning and realise that they've lost friendships by failing to invest in them.

@Thepeopleversuswork @Polishedshoesalways @Overthebow @Samlewis96 thanks so much for posting and for the perspective reset. I haven't been able to see things from my friends' perspectives before and reading your experiences has helped me take a step back and realise that of course they're all busier than I am and more tired than I am and have a whole load of mental and emotional things on their plates that I just don't have.

I need to take this less personally (I'm still sad to have the friendships shift and become more distant, but that's life, and some friends are simply not interested in anything outside their own kids for now which is just how it is), and embrace the fact that since I have more time and bandwidth, I can choose to be the one reaching out and keeping the friendships going, whatever that looks like for now.

@wombleberry

I've been on both sides of this situation: I can both totally understand how this happens and also completely understand how shit this makes you feel.

Unfortunately, the reality of life when you have very small children is that you are dog tired, you rarely spend much time on your own without your children, you have no mental bandwidth at all and no time. I remember feeling slightly insecure around child free people because I had had no time to read a book or watch an interesting movie or do anything so I found being with child-free people made me a bit uncomfortable.

On the other side of the coin: I do think that people who choose to shun child-free people are being very short-sighted. The period of your life when you're up to your eyes in softplay sessions and endless Peppa Pig doesn't last that long. You will get to a point where you crave adult company and a small investment in keeping your hand in with people whose lives don't revolve around messy play will play dividends in the long run.

If you really feel that your friends have dropped you because you don't have kids they are not really friends.

I was going to comment that 2 months is definitely on the lower end of normal.

But you've made me think, it's a bit sad, isn't it?

This wouldn’t be usual for me, I see at least one of my friends each week. I do have once or twice a year friends as well and two friends I see individually twice each month.

Even when my DC were young this was the case, I think a lot of women don’t have the time for hobbies and friends where as a lot of men seem to find the time.

It could go months. Think life busy for everyone. I have felt Im always doing the chasing up though. My dd has wend sport so thats hard aswell as day is gone once we travel

How would you feel?

I'd feel like something was wrong. I'd feel like this because I see my friends quite a lot so if two months had passed without seeing any of them, I'd be wondering what's going on.

is this odd or normal?

I don't think you can judge it like that. There is no normal.

Not my experience at all. At least a couple of times a week. I have two small kids. Local friends. See them sometimes in the day with the kids, but mostly for drinks/food on an evening. A have quite casual friends though so nothing has to be put in the diary for weeks but rather. 'Do you fancy doing this tonight'.
I'm also bump into my friends a lot as live in a small city, so also lots of unplanned coffee etc

My best friend lives just over 100 round trip, she works nights, sleeps in the day,so I catch up on a rare day off. Then various illnesses, consultant appointments got in the way. Usually see her every couple of months.

That’s so sad you feel that way. I think for me I am just so ‘up to my eyes’ in the juggle of work, looking after young kids, walking the dog, making dinner etc etc that my head hits the pillow at night and it hasn’t even crossed my mind to reach out to anyone, with or without kids. I then sort of prioritise my kids (mainly the toddler as he actually knows what’s going on) and arrange to meet up with friends with toddlers so that he gets to socialise. We do sometimes have a group night out and I love seeing my friends without kids but it wasn’t until I saw one of them at a kids party the other week that I suddenly felt like I wanted to try and arrange something with her as life just kept on racing past and I hadn’t messaged her in months.

I’ve also not prioritised things like washing my hair, going to the gym, getting my nails done etc, so it’s not just the friends thing I’ve let slip 🙈 I do consciously try at group things not to talk about kids all the time but everyone else there has kids of the same age so naturally the conversation does go onto kids quite often. I think I just need to start being more firm with myself and allocating time for things like even popping them a quick message

I think you have to judge what's normal for you. If this situation feels strange then be proactive. I would say I am unusual in that I have almost no friends and am happy with that. Like a PP said I would find it difficult if I was in a solo work environment but I find that at work people think I am outgoing, fun, happy and I am but once I'm home I've had enough chatting. I have one set of married friends we see 3 times a year, my husband goes on nights out, as do my kids. I just love my own company and get enough talking at work and the school gate. I always duck out of anything else. That's my normal

Would you like to see your friends more?

Do you make a conscious effort to maintain friendships?

Some friends i take a while without seeing in person, others i see more regularly.

Regardless of how much we see each other, effort is made to check in regularly.

I teach so I see teacher friends in the holidays. I love getting dates in the calendar so I have something to look forward to and the children get outdoors with friends.
During term time, we might arrange a get together when the weather is good. It's harder in the colder months - I can't wait for a bit of sunshine.
Reach out to friends and get some dates in the calendar.

I do think that people who don't make their friends a priority need to accept that their friends may just lose interest and give up. It's hard though when you've go out loads of commitments and don't live near each other.

See if was completely different for me when my kids were younger I simply didn't have friends with kids except for an old schoofriend whom just happened to have similar ages ones. But it was rare that we met u actually with the kids.

Same with so called " mum friends" from schools. I do have a couple of friends that their kids were at school with my DDz but I didn't know them then. We became friends through pub quiz nights etc and the kids were older by then so left at home

Trouble is if you just concentrate on others with kids you may eventually find out that's all you have in common once they grown so drift apart and you are left as Billy no mates because you didn't bother with all the others and they had enough

It's one of those things that is both normal and something that is fine to feel sad about. I wish I could see my friends a bit more often.

I can go for months without seeing friends then it's all in one month. Find winter tends to be quiet in general though.

But I work long hours in a job that is fairly stressful, in my spare time I'd rather go to the gym or for a walk/bike ride.

In all honesty it’s just easier to meet with friends with children a similar age. I always feel guilty meeting with friends without children as my DC are young and need a lot of attention, having a proper conversation can be difficult and coming up with conversation that’s not about the kids is hard when they’re constantly around. When I meet with friends with children the kids play together, and my friends and I can sympathise with each other, share advice and we just get the situation. I don’t have to apologise for tantrums or not finishing a sentence.

There’s also just not much time or capacity for doing other things, I’m constantly exhausted, there’s so much to think about with getting DC places, feeding them, thinking of what they need and want, I don’t get time to think of myself much really. I’d always prioritise my DC and what would be a fun day for them, and going to somewhere kid oriented with children their age is what we usually do. I do see my friends without kids sometimes, but usually in a group setting where other friends are there too with their children.

It’s not you.

Energy is a limited resource when we have children, if we can combine something that is good for our children and also see a friend perfect, two birds and one stone. We also receive support, understanding and share problems so it’s doubly beneficial- we learn from each other.

Seeing friends without children feels like a one off treat, an indulgence when the dc are young. It’s very tiring raising children of all ages. Exhausting.

Your friends children will gradually grow up and they will have more free time in the future. Children have to take priority especially in the early years.

Op this is very much a fluid thing. I have seen friends daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally over the years. Friendships and fun are important to me, so I used to make the time. Although I am terrible in the winter and prefer to hibernate apart from a few lunches.

I now work and study ( final year) and I simply do not have the time or energy. I am there for special occasions, will drop anything if there is an emergency or problem but I can’t commit to more than than that at the moment. I have long standing friends who are in the same boat

My experience is it gets harder as we age. I am much more tired than I used to, evenings are a slog.

Stay in touch, if you can make time for a calll. Schedule something in during the quieter times. Let them know what is happening so that they understand your position.

I'd love to hear you expand more on the not making an effort to meet up with your childfree friends if you wanted to make a comment. I'm now the last of my friendship group to not have kids (by choice) and exactly none of my friends (of decades) will ever make an effort to see me if they're in my area or even message me to say hi if we don't see each other. Like you say, they make zero effort unless it's to see someone with kids the same age as their own.

I'm just curious as to why, is it just a time and scheduling issue or are you just now completely uninterested in people who don't have kids because your lives are so different? On the other side of the fence, it suddenly feels like a super lonely place to be. It seems like nobody wants to talk about anything except their kids, nobody has any interest in my life because I don't have kids, nobody has any interest in maintaining any kind of friendship with me unless they have to make no effort (eg group outing where other people with kids will be there). It's honestly pretty painful at this point. How did my friendships of decades with all these shared experiences just disappear and why am I now invalid and irrelevant simply because I didn't make the same choices as my friends?

Pretty normal imo. But in my case it was down to lack of effort on my part in a way. And friends try not to impose. I haven't seen my bf in months for example, but we talk often. We are still v v close. We're a bit like we live in different countries whereas we actually live in the same city. But it's the way it is for us right now, and it's ok. It's not forever. I love her to bits and I know she knows I do.and I think she feels the same about me. We'll manage human contact again at some stage 😄

Normal - once you leave the carefree youth where you see friends all the time it’s so normal

Although I would struggle to be in a job without colleagues…

Can you take up an evening hobby while DH is home with DC just so you are socialising