Nephew is ruining holiday

I think anyone with twins deserves a free pass from 'helping out' with other people's children, especially on holiday.

Possibly not all the behaviourbut it probably doesn’t help, it’s another layer of noise and a different environment.

Are you in Florida? It can be very overwhelming with the heat and so much sensory input, it’s a lot for anyone who is neurotypical. For a
Young child with ND sometimes the only way to communicate overwhelm is with a meltdown especially when usual routines are out of the window.

@femfemlicious I wish people would avoid us more, we decline most invitations so as not to have to deal with all the judging, I feel for you!

Take your children off and do your own thing. They have a right to have fun without monster cousin spoiling their fun.

OP said herself he is suspected ND

And for behaviour this extreme with continuous meltdowns etc etc it is VERY likely that there is some neurodivergence going on. Neurotypical kids are easy to parent. If mum could sort out this behaviour, which sounds bloody exhausting for her by ‘setting a few boundaries’ or whatever then she would have already! Trust me, 99.9% of the time parents of these children have already tried everything. The usual methods just Do. Not. Work.

Yup...sounds like my asd daughter. Constant screaming shouting moaning and groaning about everything 😭. @Meltdowmahem you should avoid them like people do to us. I would avoid her if I could 😭. It's soul destoying

Don't do this

Are DNs parents there? If not contact them and get them to talk to him. If that doesn't work and it's just you, you need a really firm discussion with him about his behaviour and consequences.

Sounds like possible ASD. I have ASD kids. One is very challenging. Often it turns out they understand a lot, lot, lot less than you think and they are suffering with anxiety and stress. I know it's hard going but it's hard going for them and they're just a child. New environments, lots of people and holidays are a disaster. I had to leave our holiday last year after 48 hrs and take DS home on my own and let the others try to have a holiday. It's hard on everyone. Once DS was home and in his familiar environment all the behaviours stopped instantly.
I hope things get better.

Poor kid. Family holidays are hard work at the best of time, and Florida is so so so intense. I'm NT and was 12 the first time I went and still found the heat etc a real struggle.

Not easy for your sister either, parenting the only child causing issues, probably aware of judgement among the adults and no partner to turn to either.

Difficult for everyone.

Absolutely do carve out some time for your own family, but be aware of your privilege in doing so, and try react with sympathy rather than judgement.

Behaviour like this, at 10, is not remotely explained by being an only child.

@viques really? Bit of a jump isn't it?? I know loads of only children and every single one loves big family events and are very sociable. This child is not an only child so doesn't explain the behaviour.

Is he an only child? I think it can sometimes be hard for onlies when they are thrust head first into an extended family life experience like a holiday, when they suddenly realise that they aren’t always the centre of attention, that other people, other children especially, have voices, choices and opinions, that they need to share time, resources, the tv remote etc etc

Op you've said yourself that your DN may be ND. Regardless they are really struggling with the change of environment and expectations. No child wants to behave like this. Let the parents manage it as best they can and be sympathetic. Split up and do your own thing with your own dc for a while. Nobody needs to be in everyone's pockets all day long, regardless of where you are.

We have been to Florida a couple of times with DS who is ND. The first time we stayed off site and went to a park every other day, with the alternate days spent doing quieter things, like sitting in the shallow bit of the hotel pool, playing with his bath toys, or visiting some of the malls to get out of the sun, or just playing with Lego in the hotel room. We took a coach tour to NASA as well.

Second time we did stay on site, but still had down days and also hired a car so we could escape from the Mouse and eat something other than fried chicken.

He sounds like he would benefit from the four of you doing something separately. So you would be very reasonable to suggest it.

She has 6 year old twins and her own parents ie grandparents are there helping her DS with DN I am sure she has her own hands full already.

It is not up to her to help out with her DN whether ND or NT. She should be enjoying her (expensive) holiday with her children and doing as others have suggested which is to do things separately and perhaps meet up later for a meal.

It is not her responsibility and she shouldn't feel obliged that she should be taking over for 15 minutes here and there when she has younger twins of her own to care for.

SEN or not, it sounds to me like he needs to be given some boundaries. It’s not on for him to ruin everyone else’s holiday, especially if he is capable of behaving at school, where presumably he doesn’t want to be shown up in front of his mates.

What your sister needs to do, OP, is calmly tell him to belt up when he starts whinging and carrying on. She needs to explain that she will say it twice more before taking him back to the hotel or villa or wherever you are staying and putting him to bed for the rest of the day, without any devices. And then she needs to follow it through.

My guess is that she would need to do this once, after which she would see a dramatic improvement in his behaviour.

I suppose it might be an effort getting him into the car, kicking and screaming. But she might have to suffer the indignity of other people gawping and sniggering at the free entertainment for everyone’s benefit in the long run, most of all his.

It’s called discipline, OP, if anyone here remembers what that is.

@Garlicnaan I’m not an authoritarian parent at all but my brother and his wife, having one child, their world revolves around what he wants. It’s not possible to do that with 3dc. If dn doesn’t want to go out, they don’t go out… which doesn’t work for a family trip when my young dc were all toiletted and in the car. They are very, very passive. Dn may not be autistic but I still think that tools parents use for nd children would help. They do nothing. I’ve worked with nd children and passive parenting is not what they need imo. Structure, safe choices and safe spaces with tools to support emotional regulation, plus understanding triggers and a consistent approach. But sure, I must be wrong.

Except op herself said herself they have suspicions that her nephew is autistic.

Not all children who have meltdowns are ND. Not all ND children are obese with restrictive diets.

I really despair of MNetters who just jump to this conclusion.

Some children, through shitty parenting, are just brats.

Just ignore him and concentrate on your own children.

This sounds like my ND child. If you are finding it hard imagine how his parents are feeling. It's not always the parenting.

As for being fine at school, so was mine until years of masking led to him ending up in crisis. Now 'his fine' in school but everyday there is a need to be spoken to about some incident or another. School absolutely love him, meltdowns included as they acknowledge how much he is struggling but my and his grandparents get it awful. He is never as bad at school. A dysregulated child is really hard work but imagine how scary and overwhelmed they must be in that moment.

Even without sn and the best parenting ‘trips of a lifetime’ are both the highest highs and most amazing times, but with that is the overwhelm, the lowest lowest lows with tiredness and stress. As we were walking out of Disney we were absolutely stomping on, just wanting to get to the bus as people ran past us squealing and exclaiming. It was either people around us arguing, moaning and crying or so excited as we were ourselves at different points.

An ND child behaving in an ND way has fuck all to do with gentle parenting, btw.

Maybe, just maybe your DB and / or SIL adopted gentle parenting as they quickly realized authoritarian parenting was making things worse.

She’s got her own two younger kids to parent. DN has his mum and his grandma caring for him. It’s not OP’s job to parent other kids.