Nephew is ruining holiday

Warning of any change to routine. Choices eg, do you want your bath now, or in 30 mins. Social stories eg, we did one when we went to Disney World so he knew what to expect at the airport, on the plane, at the theme parks etc. Being aware of his movements so I can sense when he is getting anxious eg, stiffening when in Boots once and pulling on my arm. I would have ignored this before and it would have resulted in a shutdown or meltdown but asking if he could tell me what was wrong (it was the overpowering smell in there - so he stood outside with Dad while I carried on shopping). Not making him do stuff that really doesn't matter eg, he can get up from the table as soon as he has finished eating at home. (He happily sits at the table in restaurants but normally has a book to read). Lots more but each child with ASD is different so you have to learn what is best for your child.
Believe me, success did not happen overnight but 5 years later, he is a dream of a child and I'm blessed to have him.

Take your twins off for a day with you. It's their holiday, too - It must be exhausting and probably rather frightening for them having a bigger older boy raging in their presence. Have they said anything about how they feel?

Have a frank talk with your sister and keep repeating the message - it's clear all is not well with her son and he needs help.

She is going to have to be strong and persistent and get her head out of the sand and accept his diet, his weight and his behaviour are all real problems and will probably get worse.

It seems likely he is ND, and puberty is going to be hell for all. He needs professional help. And that isn't something you and your little twins can give.

can u and sis swap kids for a day-? then you give him some 1 on 1 and them both a "break"from each other?

You said you think the kid needs therapy as there's a family history and they suspect he is neurodiverse. So he's somewhere different, with lots of people, new sensations and food and you're whinging he's having a bunch of meltdowns? This is a holiday with an nd child...you could try being understanding and kind and not going on holiday with him next time.

@Grah

Can you share some tips on that approach

Sounds like a totally different approach is needed. No matter why this boy is like this it sounds like you need a break
Go off and do your own thing for a while.
Dn needs a totally different approach re negotiating, explaining maybe even with pictures, warning before pre warning well before pool and suncream time. Distractions etc while getting stuff done m
Sun cream before leave the room, better timing and planning as well as a big dollop of patience because mum will be trying everything.

People on the outside get frustrated but this is mums life.

Sounds like my son when he was younger. Turns out he has ASD and we were unaware. Now we know we have changed our approach to him and he is now a dream of a child. (In top 10 of a school of 1500 for house points). If he is ND, his behaviour is not his fault. He is Mac computer trying to survive in a Microsoft world.

Just do your own thing through the daytime and meet up for dinner. Or tell him we are doing x at y time if not ready / wearing the required sunscreen etc we are leaving without you. And do it! At 10 yo they should understand expectations and consequences. Parents need to work out what to do with him not you! No point in having everyone miserable .and no point waiting , give options like if ready at lunch we will be at x and will be there until y if you want to join us. Pity you are not ready after breakfast to go with us but these are the options.

@Whatafustercluck Absolutely.

You're trying to reason with someone who clearly has absolutely no understanding and even less desire to educate herself. I can't 'control' my dd's behaviour in public, and I'm thankfully becoming immune to the disapproving looks. They don't walk in my shoes. They have no idea, no empathy. So I no longer care what they think.

I CAN control my dc’s behaviour in public. I (or they) will probably then pay the price at home.
A holiday with others is hard because it demands an extended period of masking/control with no outlet or rest. As I say, it’s why we don’t do it.

My LG is ND (autistic along with sensory issues) and can be very challenging when she's unregulated, so I have full sympathy for your DS and DN. Saying that, I wouldn't be happy if my children's holiday was being spoiled in this way either (especially if this is their once in a lifetime Disney trip). No easy answer really, except to try and treat them with grace (your DS likely feels just as awful as her son), while also getting some time away for your twins to enjoy themselves without this stressful environment. It would probably do your nephew some good to have time just your DS and DM as well, as he might feel he's in a situation where he has to mask 24/7 with still being with a big group of people during what should be his down time after busy days at the parks.

If time apart is difficult due to transport issues, then Disney transportation is great when you're there. It's possible to park at the Transport and Ticket Center with one group heading to Magic Kingdom and the other to Epcot on the monorail, or even to get buses everywhere from the Disney Springs area. Universal, everywhere is walkable so can easily go your own ways for a little while. If they absolutely refuse to split up, assuming the day at Discovery Cove hasn't already passed, that would also be a good day to spend time just your family together while he is with the dolphins. They have a lovely snorkelling pool, a lazy river/rapids area and a place to feed the tropical birds. Honestly, all those are better than the dolphin swim imo and would make for a relaxing break from everyone else.

I voted YABU but it's a very soft one, as I'm sorry for both your DN and you. You say he's 10 and possibly ND.

If he is ND but has no diagnosis and support then that is a very difficult life. Even with a diagnosis getting the right support is almost a full time job in itself. If your DSis has too work full time and do all the parenting it leaves precious little time to navigate the system which is never easy.

A big family holiday with lots of competing needs is certain to be a disaster unless people know exactly what DNs needs are and how to meet them.

It's not impossible but a family holiday for an ND family can look very different to the norm, but it can be happy and relaxing with the right supports.

I do hope that rather than writing him off as a lost cause like so many people do to our ND kids something can be done in the future to do things differently and have a good time. Its unlikely to be possible on this particular break though.

ND kids don't mean to "ruin it" for everyone and unfortunately spend far too long wondering what's wrong with them before things work out for the better and not without a very long battle for a parent determined not to give up on them.

As long as you don’t have to look after the little fucker just walk away and do your own thing..

It's been suggested multiple times that op spends time away from the nephew's drama. If this has been an issue for years, presumably it hasn't come as a surprise that he's behaving this way. Einstein's definition of insanity springs to mind.

For a lasting remedy, either don't agree to go on holiday with them again or help the family by suggesting that there might be some tactile sensitivity there. Like I said, all the things referred to in the op are triggers for tactile sensitivity. Op herself says that there are strong suspicions of ND, despite no diagnosis. I totally get that dealing with another family's dramas when you're on the trip of a lifetime is extremely wearing. So op either needs to a. stop going, b. reduce the time she spends with them drastically, or c. help the family find an alternative, and lasting, solution to improve things for everyone's sake (on the basis of it not being her responsibility, this leaves option a or b).

My own sister has had holidays derailed by dd's meltdowns, so i speak from experience. Her solution was to support us, though. And it's worked. We all have a better understanding, this has helped dd and improved the situation for everyone, and we still get to holiday together.

Errr all this. Whether he is neurodiverse or not then he is ruining the OP’s enjoyment of the holiday. She doesn’t need to suck it up and that’s why people are giving advice to spend some time away from him

TBF, the OP has already been given (multiple times) the only reasonable advice under the circumstances, which is to spend time apart doing things with her own children, and hope the nephew settles down.

Those of you who are just arguing and not helping op, could you start your own thread please? You are annoying as shit derailing op’s thread completely.

This thread has spiralled into a battle between those defending ND and those discounting it. Like most most on here I have my own opinions on the topic. But that’s not what the OP asked about. She wants to know how to salvage a (presumably expensive) family holiday from the detrimental effects of her nephew’s behaviour. (who is undiagnosed with anything BTW) It does not matter a fuck if she should be “more understanding” “grateful she doesn’t have ND kids” “have sympathy for sister”. None of these remarks are going to help her avoid falling out with family due to either an outburst, row, inability to hide her annoyance and frustration at his behaviour, regardless of the reason for it. Sadly she is stuck in a shit situation she shouldn’t have to deal with and needs tips on managing that, not guilt tripped for complaining her family’s experience is being ruined.

OP, just try to arrange time away from your nephew. If you are questioned you could be diplomatically honest and say it’s all to much and you all need a break from the drama. TBF your sister probably won’t ask. If it’s as bad as you say she will know the reason (and feel like running off herself). If she’s not able to manage her son then you sure as hell won’t be able to. Perhaps when you return home you could have an honest conversation with her and perhaps your input will help - if he’s her only child she will have nothing to compare him to and could think he is in a normal range of behaviour. Then she could get him seen by a professional if that’s what is needed.

Replies like these just come across so uneducated and stupid.

You have no idea what you’re on about so go and find a different discussion. Your input adds zero value.

I'm dying to know which remedy you think would have been effective that we have not already done 😂 Does it involve the Birch?

Honestly, if you have no direct experience of this, you are completely ignorant.

@Whatafustercluck - LOL. I’m trying to imagine what would have happened if I, or any one of my siblings, had said that to my mum or dad growing up. I hate to even think, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Honestly, one of my own kids would have said that to me once. I would not have tolerated it, and nor should you.

Jesus wept. 7yo dd told me to shut the fuck up in public today. She's never said that to her teachers, but most definitely has adhd. You have literally no idea what you're talking about. Our 13yo ds has never in his life said that to us either, before you start banging on about ineffective parenting.

Op, I came here to say what a lot of others have said. Most of the things you list could be triggered by tactile sensory processing issues. I know this, because our daughter is similarly affected and has caused many challenges to us on family holidays. She's got better as our understanding of her has improved. Still doesn't stop her telling me to shut the fuck up sometimes in public though, unfortunately.