Nephew is ruining holiday

You knew he was badly parenting before and resulting behaviour - so you should have known this would happen. So you need to take some responsibility.

That said - you have a choice now. Put in your own boundaries! Do things separately from extended family and explain why - your DN's behaviour is disruptive and you wish to spend more time with your own kids! Think of your own kids - they should enjoy the holiday too. Stop tip toeing around and protect your own family!

I'd do your own thing and leave tanting brat to his own parents to deal with. Like you I'd want to say something! Sometimes naughty kids get a shock when they're told off by someone other than mum/dad and he might listen.

Tell me I have no idea about autism without telling me I have no idea of autism 😞

"Weak and ineffective" is subjective and ignorant of the fact that these people (the parents) live with these kids and know them better than anyone. You are wrong. My son behaved perfectly at school, but let it all out with us because he trusted us to deal with his problems. I am so glad we were kind to him at every opportunity. He was unwell and we didn't know. Imagine if we had been "tough". He would have been on his own with unvarying pain. He had since had brain surgery.

Ever heard of autism masking? Individuals can only do this for a period of time before overwhelmed

This is the best reply in this thread. 👏

Went on holidays with my DB and his family a few years ago. My youngest child was very difficult to parent, but I had a long term plan that I would love him, work with him, seek to understand him, and remove him (with me) if necessary. Oldest child was cruisy as. He is a great kid now. There were underlying health issues we didn't understand at the time which made him pretty permanently uncomfortable. I spent the holiday being subtly lectured about my methods of discipline, his "behaviour", as if I hadn't noticed! It sucked honestly. I love my DB, but limit the time we spend as families now. Worst thing was that SIL spoke of my youngest in disparaging tones around his slightly older cousins, and thier relationship is pretty average now. I wanted love and acceptance from my family. Sad really.

The parents probably feel it more than you. And are trying their best with this stage he is in.

Im assuming these people are super close with you? Like immediate family. So just think how you can help the situation where possible. Reacting in the moment will have repercussions none of you want (they will always stick up for their child, and you know this)….. so just help them out!

I have a daughter like this. If she has her sensory tools, like headphones, chewies and loose clothing, then we can keep her regulated and have a nice time. Sometimes we still need to remove her from a situation and calm her down. They don't have "meltdowns" because they think it will make it so they don't have to wear/do xyz. It's because those things make them extremely uncomfortable. My daughter is luckily very verbal, she expressed that some days the seams on her clothes feel like sharp prickles. There's no way I would try to put her in a wetsuit or other type of restrictive clothing. Sensory dysfunction doesn't always show up in a structured school environment because the routines are very predictable which helps those kids put up with the discomfort, but when the discomfort is a surprise they react like a kid panic attack desperate to avoid the pain. Knowing that you are going to get a tooth pulled at the dentist would be very different than being randomly sat down and told to open up while someone holds a pair of pliers to try to pull out a tooth.

My son was not diagnosed with aspherghers until 30 but everybody saw he was 'hyper '. Holidays and unfamiliar surroundings were and still are the hardest foe him to cope with. I remember the nightmare of a single parent holiday when he was 12. I said, as soon as we leave here he'll be fine and he was.
Not sure if this is helpful 🤔 I haven't read all the comments.

Actually meltdowns? Is he ND?
This is why we don't do abroad holidays when our ND kids are young. On paper they would be so excited - reality would be merry hell.
Sensory issues from suncream/heat/change of routine/different bed/different food
Our eldest is now able to manage these difficulties enough to actually enjoy a holiday.
We went one year to Croatia when it was just my eldest ( before she was diagnosed) She refused ALL food except Pancakes from this one restaurant. Went on water strike. Would only drink apple juice. Ended up with horrendous nappy rash and roared the whole entire flight.
I actually tried to fly home early but they only had flights once a week!

I agree. It does sound like he may be on the autistic spectrum. Change of routine, crowds, noise, etc will be horrible for him if so. 😥

At least read the op's posts.

Regardless of whether your DN is ND or not, it sounds like it’s spoiling the experience for your own children as well as you. So for that reason I’d separate as much as possible. They don’t have to come second to their cousin because they are NT, there needs to be a way for them to enjoy the holiday too.

Frankly if people are going to moan about how my autistic child behaves I would rather they didn’t come.
He’s 10 years old it’s not a new thing. They knew what to expect.
there’s zero reason why they can’t just go and do their own thing rather than moaning. If this was a physically disabled person they were moaning about everyone would be outraged.

If you went on holiday with someone who had a physical disability would you say they were ruining the holiday because they couldn’t walk round with everyone else? Would you make them stay at home so they didn’t ruin your holiday? You make adaptations for people you love and care about so everyone can be included. They could split up some days so everyone can do what they want to do. His parents should be spending time with him separately when he gets overwhelmed. Presumably the extended family can go and do something else if they want - no one is forcing them to spend every minute together. Theyve also said this child is 10 and clearly ND, haven’t they noticed before? Did they not think about whether they wanted to go on holiday together before they booked it? What it would entail? How he would struggle? What are you expecting the child to do? Do you think he’s doing it on purpose and can just say “oops I’m ruining everyone’s holiday I’ll just switch my cognitive disabilities off”. Wouldn’t life be easier if that was the case. Should I ask my autistic 9 year old to turn his autism off next time we go out so there’s no risk of the day being spoilt?
if they don’t want to spend time with their nephew then don’t. I’m sure the parents would be relieved that their judgement was taken elsewhere.

You want consideration but don't return the same sentiments to anyone else? What about everyone else on the holiday whose time is being ruined?

I'd be honest and tell them I can't spend another second listening to him Whinge whine and moan ruining my childs holiday then seperate myself and then never go away with them again

I support my extended family at home. When I go away, it is to recharge and not deal with anyone’s else’s problems. I deliberately don’t go away with one of my siblings for this reason. Also, the mother of the DN seems to be in denial and not understanding of her son at all. This is just a shit situation all round and I’d be moaning too.

As a parent of a ND 9 year old this makes me so sad. He is autistic with ADHD. He would do exactly these things. Suncream is a huge no, he can’t be reasoned with, we have cancelled events before because he won’t wear the outfit he needs to wear for it, meltdowns in public. It would break my heart to think that my family or my husbands family would be talking behind our backs about how he is ruining the holiday instead of showing a little compassion. How about “wow I can see his parents are amazing dealing with this all day every day, I’ll try and lighten the load?”
You say yourself he is likely ND but you are still moaning about his behaviour?
he’s fine at school because it’s a safe routine, with safe people he sees every day. This is a new environment, he’s overwhelmed, over stimulated, anxious, hot, and probably being dragged all over to do numerous fantastic outings which is all too much.

I find this thread frustrating and upsetting to read and as the parent of a ND child, it seems pretty obvious what is going on here. My main sympathies lie with your DN and DSis.

However, to answer your question specifically

It sounds like you have two options OP:

Go off with your own children and try to salvage what you can of your very expensive holiday from your “nightmare” DN. Your DSis will probably be relieved to not be under constant judgement and can do what works best for her son, rather than trying to please/fit in with the rest of you.

Offer to give her some respite. Spend a day in the room/hotel with your DN and allow him to do what he wants (maybe playing on an iPad?).

Why is everyone deciding that DN - which could be niece OR nephew - is a boy?

Because the title of the thread is "Nephew is ruining holiday", perhaps?