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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my husband to support me?

263 replies

pregahes · 23/03/2024 09:47

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:14

@Angrymum22 fair enough. It was a ten hour flight overnight though!

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Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:13

@LenaLamont after rude punched the seat twice I then asked is she ok for me to put it back politely and then she got aggressive.

Maybe I am in the wrong then but I don't see that I'm causing drama - I'm just not going to let someone bully me on a flight and make me keep my seat upright for ten hours!

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 23/03/2024 10:12

pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:04

Can I also just point out I didn't expect him to start a row with this couple - but I don't expect him to laugh along with them and I would also expect him to ask if I'm ok or say bloody hell that's ridiculous or something. Instead of 'it's not my problem' and huff.

I told him I was worried to go back to my seat because I will recline and she could get violent with me (you had to be there to understand why this was was entirely possible). If I were my husband I would have perhaps just when I sat next to them said my wife wants to put her seat back are you ok with that or something. And this ain't a man woman thing it's a team thing.

When someone wrongs him I'm there - sticking up for him and asking him if he wants me to do anything to help.

He had a dispute where he was set to lose 25k over some deal and I said I will get on the phone and get the money back because I care.

I don't get the same in return I feel

Based on this post, maybe he thinks you are more than capable of dealing with the situation yourself.
I would be horrified if my DH interfered with my business and inserted themselves into a dispute. I respect my DH’s opinion and sometimes he will support me but equally he will also tell me if I am being over reactive or silly.

As someone with long legs I’ve had a few bruises from people reclining their seats in front of me so yes a quick request means I can move them. But ten hours being unable to stretch my legs out would be just as bad as 10 hours sitting upright. Even if

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:11

@Axx she told the woman behind me that the seats are made with the function to go back so unless it's meal time I'm allowed to put my seat back.

I told the flight attendant can she tell her this or move one of the two of us somewhere else because I'm not sitting on a ten hour flight upright

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 23/03/2024 10:11

I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

If being argued with about putting your seat back leaves you shaken, maybe he thinks you’re a bit of a drama llama.

If he thinks you’re “not backing down”, maybe he thinks you cause unnecessary altercations when a bit of communication and courtesy would have avoided it.

You’re certainly getting arsey with people who disagree with you on this thread.

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:10

@mondaytosunday yes exactly that, when we got off the flight I told him I expected more and he said he had three glasses of wine and wasn't interested

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Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:10

@Dweetfidilove this is the thing. If I were with any one of my family they would have been totally on side, my siblings or mum we all have each others back. I don't get this from him

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ZippedOpenMouth · 23/03/2024 10:08

I can understand why he didn't want to escalate the situation as the other couple were violent as in punching your seat . All they had to do was call the flight attendant. But he should not have laughed along with them but ignored them and supported you after the flight in making a complaint especially if he could see what happened really upset you .

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:07

@Trickabrick I think he thinks I'm a bit out there and 'common' because if someone starts something I'm not backing down.

I'm not going to be bullied on a ten hour flight to not put my seat back and because I involved the flight attendant maybe he thought I caused a scene but I didn't start anything. Why shouldn't I stick up for myself he isn't going to clearly!

I honestly felt bullied by this woman and threatened and thought - no way is someone making me feel like this at age 40!

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HebburnPokemon · 23/03/2024 10:06

He’s scared of confrontation

Axx · 23/03/2024 10:06

Out of interest, how did the flight attendant sort it?

mondaytosunday · 23/03/2024 10:05

No one has ever asked me if they can recline their seat.
The point is her husband doesn't support her when she's upset - I believe this incident is just an example.
Yes OP, to shrug one's shoulders and dismiss your feelings is a kind of gaslighting. It's like you are not allowed to have these feelings. A sympathetic hand squeeze or a 'please don't talk to my wife like that' would go a long way.

Dweetfidilove · 23/03/2024 10:04

YANBU to want your husband to support you.
My nephew at 6, wouldn’t have anyone talking to his brother or my daughter aggressively, and he’s the youngest of the lot.

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:04

Can I also just point out I didn't expect him to start a row with this couple - but I don't expect him to laugh along with them and I would also expect him to ask if I'm ok or say bloody hell that's ridiculous or something. Instead of 'it's not my problem' and huff.

I told him I was worried to go back to my seat because I will recline and she could get violent with me (you had to be there to understand why this was was entirely possible). If I were my husband I would have perhaps just when I sat next to them said my wife wants to put her seat back are you ok with that or something. And this ain't a man woman thing it's a team thing.

When someone wrongs him I'm there - sticking up for him and asking him if he wants me to do anything to help.

He had a dispute where he was set to lose 25k over some deal and I said I will get on the phone and get the money back because I care.

I don't get the same in return I feel

OP posts:
PietariKontio · 23/03/2024 10:02

In the moment of a situation, I would always be there to back my wife up, and my default position would be that she's right. Although tbh she's better at dealing with contentious situations than I am, so she rarely needs me!
Afterwards though. I'd be honest if I thought she was in the right or wrong - and I'd expect the same from her if the situation was reversed.

Haydenn · 23/03/2024 10:01

DustyLee123 · 23/03/2024 10:00

It’s not about asking for permission as such, but informing incase that have a drink/laptop on the table. It’s just polite, but not everyone is obviously.

And the OP is really polite, so she should know this.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/03/2024 10:00

Is he a good partner in other ways? As being supportive and kind to your partner is pretty basic.

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 10:00

Can I also explain the lady behind me was seriously horrid and I was actually concerned she may hit me. I'm not a dramatic person, whether you believe that or not is up to you but even the guy next time me asked if I was ok and the other lady next to me said the woman behind was rude - so clearly it was not me in the wrong here.

They absolutely intimidated me and punched my seat forward to put it upright / that is not normal behaviour

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Axx · 23/03/2024 10:00

I always tell the person behind I'm reclining. It's good manners. I fly loads.

Trickabrick · 23/03/2024 10:00

How often do these situations occur because to be honest, I’m struggling to think of a time I’ve had any sort of row with a stranger and certainly not one I felt I needed back up from my partner! Is it possible he doesn’t agree with how you interact with others so keeps quiet?

DustyLee123 · 23/03/2024 10:00

It’s not about asking for permission as such, but informing incase that have a drink/laptop on the table. It’s just polite, but not everyone is obviously.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/03/2024 09:59

I don't really know what he could have done after the event. I guess he could've said 'oh, what a bitch. Her poor husband. I hope you're not too upset?' etc etc. but if he has no genuine interest in it then they'd just be empty words.
My DH often just kind of shrugs when I tell him some tale of a person acting a bit arsey. I wouldn't take it as him being unsupportive. He's just thinking about or doing something else.
If you were seriously wronged I would hope he would have genuine sympathy. But the airline seat and involving the staff etc is not exactly the post office scandal mark 2.

alwaysbuffingnails · 23/03/2024 09:58

I never recline my seat on flights but I've been reclined upon by the seat in front many a time and no one asked me if it was ok to recline.

Is it a thing to have to ask before reclining?

Moneybum · 23/03/2024 09:58

pregahes · 23/03/2024 09:55

I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick - I don't expect him to jump in but I do expect him not to befriend the people that did it and also no one has ever asked me if they are ok to recline the seat. Ever and I've taken probably over 100 flights in my life.

What airline are you guys flying with? I surely cannot be the only person to not ask? And more to the point, the lady behind only had to politely ask me to put it up then not be aggressive with me

I never ask to recline and also have never been asked. It’s to be expected someone might want to put their seat back and agree as long as you don’t do it at a meal time it’s fine. I also have flown hundreds of times. nonsense!

your husband should be on your side and be a person to provide emotional support. Agree he doesn’t have to get involved but it’s part of the marriage deal he should listen to you, show some empathy and not just be a dick.

Original poster
pregahes · 23/03/2024 09:58

@Brindelz thank you, I'd love to know what airline everyone else is flying on because I've never ever had anyone ask to recline their seat in my life.

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