Lost it with DD, feel awful

Schools are pretty awful environments at the moment. They are so mismanaged and kids have a lot of pent up anger and frustration. My kid went through this weird explosive anger stage and it turned out to be all school related

Don’t be hard on yourself op. This is why the advice is there is a hit a pillow or scream into it.

My 3 year old DS is a bloody nightmare. I have to shout at him when he’s hitting me/pulling my hair/kicking me etc and it’s purely to beg him to stop as it hurts.

He’s also very much in the shouting ‘no phase’ and it’s a battle to get him dressed or put his shoes on at all every morning. So i end up having to wrestle him into his clothes. He knows I love him and i’m his favourite person, but some things are non-negotiable.

HV came round this week and said it’s ok to give a very firm no. She also talked about naughty step.

I also get these things kind of don’t work when you need to be somewhere.

So what? She has learned that her actions (or in this case inactions) have consequences ! We don't live in Disney land and in the real world disobedience makes parents cross!

Hope you're feeling better now.

Dust yourself off and tell DD you're sorry you lost your temper.

But remind her that she needs to cooperate, and tell her there is to be no repeat of her performance. School makes the rules, not you.

If you like, to prevent any further fights about uniform, get a calendar showing what has to be worn on what day.

5 year old girls are notorious for being stroppy and oppositional. Give pep talks and remind her what's going to happen every morning/ afternoon/ evening. Give her some choices about what she wears or plays, reads, watches on TV when it's possible to have a choice. Even on uniform days, maybe she could choose between two different hats, two pairs of underwear, two offerings for breakfast, etc.

You are human. None of us are perfect and you didn't clobber your child. She's fine and it won't have done her any harm to see that you have limits.

I well remember the battles over getting dressed and ready for school. They could be the stuff of legend. One day it got to 8.30 and we needed to leave. DD (then 5 or 6) was still in her pyjamas despite being told numerous times. I took a bag upstairs and began putting her school uniform into it saying that she would have to walk to school in the pyjamas and change into the uniform when we got there.

It worked. She panicked at the thought of appearing in front of her friends and class teacher in her pyjamas and knew that there would be consequences at school. She got dressed extremely fast and we rarely had that problem again.

One isolated bollocking does no harm. The shock of it is usually what is needed to get the message through. I bet she puts her shoes on tomorrow!

My two wouldn't put their shoes on or brush their teeth one school morning. I lost it and kicked the sofa; only I missed the cushion and hit the wooden base and broke my toe. That will teach me to lose my rag. Be kinder to yourself, you're only human, now you know your limits.

Don't feel shit. You got the job done.
You do whatever it takes.
Well done. 👍

And if they act up again, lose your shit again.

Obviously any loss of control isn't good and shouldn't be a repeated but it's no bad thing for a kid to know they can only push things so far.

Please be kind to yourself. My daughter was a completely aggravating horror and mornings were a particular flashpoint due to school uniform fights from P1 onwards - tights, seams, tucking in, ties, why is it the same as everyone else? Every single day. Most days I remained calm, assertive, moderate. But, I have screeched, threatened, walked out (to avoid inflicting injury) depressingly often. I always felt awful afterwards. I learned eventually to pick my fights and found better ways to deal with her. But it was hard and I failed a lot.

I do feel particularly guilty about the time when after finding a note in her school bag telling me my 5 year old (!) was getting a lunchtime detention I flipped out, parked the car at a large derelict victorian building and brightly told my daughter to “run on in, this is the bad girl’s home, Miss Hannigan is waiting” cue hysteria and promises of excellent behaviour for ever. Probably was a bit cruel. 😐

She’s now 16, a lovely kid who has done well so far. She’s not emotionally scarred, and knows she will not get away with crap. Still hates a uniform, but picks her fights!

Aaargh the shoes! I’d forgotten the battles over shoes, we had many and I’m sure there was yelling involved. Why don’t they just put the damn shoes on?! It sounds like you seriously need some rest - I hope you get it soon. Try to see it as a learning opportunity - think about what you’ll do next time.

Top Tip. If your child refuses to put school uniform on just tell her that she can wear her pyjamas or any outfit to school and she can change when she gets there. It will only happen once

Have been there and can so relate 🩷 But you're not a bad mum A) because you feel guilty b) because you apologised and accepted responsibility and c) you controlled your anger enough to direct it at an object not DD!

I literally screamed/raged at DD once as she wasn't getting her shoes on, and threw them onto the floor really hard next to her.She was sobbing and I felt awful, but school mornings are incredibly stressful especially with a little one in tow.

Learn from it to identify trigger points and find ways to reduce them, and research ways to approach things with her to try and stop her digging her heels in ('how to talk so little kids will listen' is a good book for this)
My DD is 6 nearly 7 now and it has definitely got easier the last year getting her up and out, as she is more independent and her sister is 2 now.And I am more relaxed with not stressing quite so much about timings.

But it used to be hellish so you have my sympathies!

You're a human being with feelings, you aren't a bad parent. Just learn from it.

When my 2 were littler about 5 -6 i bought a adult punch bag from argos while they was at school.
When they came home and asked what it was i said its called mums anger bag lol you can use it anytime you feel angry.
Being boys they loved it so did i.
It really helped even got them little boxing gloves.
They would be letting off steam every day.
But as they got older they got into weights.
We had the angry bag for years.

Surroundedbyfools, I’m the same. When DH is trying to take a hardline (arguing with a toddler) with DS, I’m like “give him the toy” “buy him the sweets” “let him wear the wellies” etc… Him & DS will battle it out, but DS does understand in the end. I have lost my cool with DS, though. And I feel terrible when it happens, especially when he laughs in my face!

You have learned from it (that you are human and have your limits, like everyone else) and she has learned from it (that actually you can push people too far).

Bloody school uniform.

Honestly, don't sweat it.

Would it be better if it hadn't happened? Yes
Is she greatly affected? No
Will she think twice next time? Yes and so will you.

5 is young so she may be a little scared but as I now have a 12 year old that's causing me a similar amount of frazzle/anger/upset/desperation multiple times a day, I think it may have helped if she knew she may not like my reaction. I feel awful saying that but my mum would have just slapped me. I'd never lay hands on my baby or upset her but I really want to some days and I'm sure you will want to. It's so incredibly hard and it seems to be a secret.

Sending love. Just start again tomorrow.

We’ve all done it, not that some would ever admit it.

The most important thing is you acknowledged and apologised. I grew up in a home where my parents never apologised for a thing in their lives. When I’m wrong, overreact or anything I’ve done I shouldn’t, I apologise especially to my children.

You can do what I do, put it on the teachers, yes I’m one of those annoying people. My DDs would swear black is white to go against anything I say, so I don’t fight it any more, if they want to put on trainers fine they can go to school in trainers and explain to their teachers why they aren’t wearing school shoes. I have taken them to school and said to teachers, Betty has decided she dosnt want to wear her uniform today as the rules don’t apply to her, if you want to send her to the HTs office or keep her in at playtime because she dosnt want to follow the school rules that’s fine with me. One of my DDs asked why I told the teachers and I said because it’s not me refusing to do what I’m told so if anyone is getting into trouble it’s not me. You will be amazed how threatening to tell teachers works too.

I don't think there's many parents who haven't lost their shit at one point or another.

I found 5 a really tough age and my dd seemed to push all my buttons at that age.

The book how to talk so your kids will listen helped a bit.

I have adhd and so do my 7 year old twins. I absolutely lost my shit this evening because the kids have been bickering for weeks, and i was doing really well dealing with them until they both had a tantrum because i wouldn't buy them something and one of them decided to spit on the floor. Dc immediately knew they'd fucked up.

I went absolutely mad. Dc both said i scared them because i screamed at them, but in that moment i thought... I don't bloody care... You spat on the floor because i wouldn't buy you something because your behaviour has been awful for days and days. Deal with it. I spend too much of my time trying to avoid adhd meltdowns and i think I've gone too far the other way that i let them get away with far too much.

My brain is trying to make me feel bad for it, but honestly, 90% of the time I'm quite a gentle parent but my dc just pushed me right over that limit and i exploded.

I don't think they'll be spitting again, that's for damn sure.

By bedtime they had apologised and we hugged it out.

My DS and DD are 19 months apart.

DS was a nightmare by day, but a dream overnight.
DD was a dream during the day, but a nightmare overnight.

For 4 years, my life was a blur. I can't remember ever getting any sleep longer than an hour at a time.

I tried to manage as best I could - but, there were definitely moments where my stress levels overspilled.

It can be a horrible stage, OP - you're really in the thick of it.
I can remember times that I definitely failed as a parent, and could have done better.

They're older teens now, and I have a brilliant relationship with both of them - so, it's definitely salvageable!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day ❤️

This!

honestly, you’ve done nothing wrong. Kids are so difficult

Don't stress. I remember a few occasions when I went off like a firework.

I found, on reflection, that maybe me being inflexible and insisting on something "my way" was causing the issue. So in today's scenario I would have said "of course you can, today, but remember you will have to change them when you get to school".

I found that by accepting whatever madness DS was suggesting, if it really didn't matter, he was actually more flexible when I said that we have to do it my way.

However, I did only have DS to herd, and he was ND, so I picked my battles.

Yes @GrazingSheep if a man wrote this, I’d still say the same. A man is a human too.