To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

@KeinLiebeslied54321 I think I must have said something to offend you, so I’ll apologise and leave it there. I guess I just feel strongly about this thread because I’d have given anything to have in-laws as helpful, enthusiastic and invested as OP’s, and that’s obviously colouring my response - maybe you have your own reasons for feeling strongly about it too.

Ah right, it's your opinion and no-one could possibly disagree. Got it.

Oh sorry, didn’t realise I had to spell it out! …and I think most sensible people would do the same, because they’d recognise that inviting one set of parents over ostensibly to meet their grandchild for the first time then keeping them occupied with chores all afternoon (whether they offered to do them or were asked) while the other side of the family sit chatting and holding a baby they’ve already met several times would be completely taking advantage of them.

I’m not sure this is that controversial - even the posters here who think the in-laws shouldn’t get to hold their grandchild think it was off of the SIL/BIL to keep them running around doing jobs the whole time.

I do think it was unfair for the PIL in this scenario. I definitely wouldn’t have asked MIL to do all those jobs, I’d have expected her to be sitting down with us meeting baby and dh to be making her a cup of tea!

I never really got the whole "passing the baby around" thing or "going over for cuddles". I have never understood the fascination, it doesn't appeal to me at all.

I think your PIL's could have and probably should have just asked if they wanted to. They respected the 2 week rule and they honestly sound wonderful. If your BIL and wife have just had their first child though, they're probably still overwhelmed and emotional and aren't mind readers.

However, it was cheeky of them to have them over for the afternoon, give them a whole list of jobs and not offer. Especially as the mothers mum and sister were having some time to bond with the baby.

Unless we're missing something obvious OP, are your PIL's particularly ill at the moment or anything? I do think it was unfair on them, for sure.

They don’t all want to. My in laws were scared they’d drop my babies as far as I remember. I’d just assume they’d say if they wanted to. I don’t ever remember my dad holding my babies either.

I remember my mum holding them when they were newborn. I honestly don’t remember whether she asked or I offered. I didn’t have the slightest notion that I was supposed to offer!

And?

I posted earlier on, that I never just offered my baby either unless I actually needed someone to hold them for me. Even then though I would ask dh first.

I also don’t expect babies to be thrust into my arms either 😂

Didn’t ask mil to do any chores nor did she bring me foods or drinks.

Really? You wouldn't know that the granny of a newborn maybe might like to hold it?

If my MIL had just made lunch for everyone (because I asked her to) and she asked what else she could do to help (because FIL was busy doing a list of jobs he’d been asked to do and I was making her feel like a spare part), I’d tell her to go and relax.

But then I don’t think of my kids’ grandparents as free labour…

I definitely didn’t expect them to do all the household chores and they didn’t offer either!!

I honestly cannot remember. I expect I probably did wait for them to ask. It’s a long time since I had babies! I definitely invited them to visit asap.

That’s a friend though - and however close a friend might be, your baby isn’t their grandchild. I wouldn’t automatically hand a baby over to a friend either, any more than I’d expect to hold a friend’s baby.

You’ve presumably been in this situation - did you wait for your parents/in-laws to ask to hold your dd?

I didn't read the whole thread but this has made me sad. I understand the DIL will be closer and much more comfortable with her own mother and I don't blame your sil but in fact your bil should have thought about this.

It's very thoughtless of them and sometimes when you respect too much of their boundaries, the other side can swim in the cheeky fuck territory with all being ok with the guest to do diy, serve, tidy, clean and fold laundry. I'm saying guest because they have been clearly treated as outsiders whilst her own family have been treated like insiders which is fine but I would never be ok with my in laws to serve, tidy and clean if they are outsiders. So which category are they in? Family or outsiders because it seems to change every time the situation only benefits them right?

Btw Im not saying never not respect someone's boundaries but when you are sometimes too respectful and the others side is unfair, cruel and thoughtless they will milk it to ensure it only benefits them.

Im very familiar with this situation with my own sil who has actively pushed my parents out of the picture who were again respectful and helpful and my idiot older brother facilitated this only coming out the woodwork every once in a while when they needed something but now my younger brother had a baby last year and me due in a few weeks, well my parents have been treated like family so has the in laws and now my older brother and sil are causing drama that we are getting attention.

It genuinely wouldn’t.

I remember when one of my good friends met my dd for the first time, she said afterwards ‘maybe I can have a hold next time?’ - had not entered my head to offer, if she’d asked I would have been delighted to hand dd over.

It genuinely wouldn’t have crossed your mind, or that of any of the people who were also present, that your baby’s grandparents might want to hold them?

'MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc'

“MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready.”

I’d argue, too, that MIL felt like she had to offer more help on top of this as she “felt like a spare part”.

We’re all focusing on the MIL here but FIL was given a list of jobs to do as well.

I wouldn’t have known that they wanted to hold my baby if they didn’t ask.

MIL volunteered to help, nobody forced her.

You can acknowledge that most women feel closer to their own mum than their MIL without thinking that your MIL should wait two weeks to make everyone lunch and do laundry while your own mum sits chatting and cuddling the baby for the umpteenth time though.

It was a bit insensitive however I don't think anyone, especially someone not living in the house/there regularly, is entitled to 'a cuddle'. It's normal for the daughter to be closer to her mother than MIL, albeit sad for MIL (and I say that as a parent of a male child). I hope MIL gets a chance to spend more time soon and her son enables that.

Because this is a site for women. Therefore the husbands parents are her in-laws? You can’t expect the same relationship with a DIL you have with a daughter.

The situation on this thread is batshit, like most of what is on mumsnet but that doesn’t usurp reality.

Yes, this completely. Why is it always the husband's parents that are considered "in-laws" and the wife's parents are simply considered family? To the baby they really are all the grandparents. It is entirely and completely a case of two grandmothers competing for time with the baby and it is always the mother or parents of the father that is seen as second best and deliberately kept at arms length.

OP, please come back and tell us your PILs have now had lots of cuddles!!