Being a step-mother

I didnt used to get my money until jan/Feb. I assume she spent it. The other year I was going on holiday so my dad said he would ask her to sort it so I could take with me. Never did. Took months.

I dont have many memories from been a young child (my mum passed when I was young think this was coping mechanism). But I do remember asking my dad for 2 things and she told him her sons wouldn't get it.....so I didnt. My dad wouldn't have his money if it was for my mum passing and her sons have both parents so I know they would ask both. Still pisses me off to this day 😂.

I’ve got a bio son and two step kids. Obviously I adore my own son, he’s great. Of my two step kids, my DSS is lovely and I wouldn’t wish him away. If I’d have had another son, I would have wanted one like him. Unfortunately, myself and DSD never really gelled. We don’t hate one another, just not besties 🤷‍♀️

I told my husband about the Christmas presents, he couldn’t imagine how it could be possible. One year I was given a £10 note by my father as I was walking into the house, he slipped it in my hand, like a weird deal or something. Then his stepdaughter (a year younger than me) came bounding from her room, “I got a TV and a new bed!”. I was 10. They’re still twats 😂

So your stepmum is protecting her money for her child, but your dad isn’t doing the same for you? I think your anger is being a bit misdirected, which is often the case.

I'm not angry.

There would be merry hell if my father and I didn't decide to share the inheritance equally between all the shared children.

However, my father and I both acknowledge that the same won't happen the other way.

We're fine with that because it's fair and right. What they decide to do is on them.

So your stepmum is protecting her money for her child, but your dad isn’t doing the same for you? I think your anger is being a bit misdirected, which is often the case.

to hysteria that they must 'not be entitled to any of MY money when I die because their real mum will provde'...

No one is entitled to anyone’s money when they die. What a horrible attitude.

I would put in a lot of effort and love into a relationship with DSC if I had them. I wouldn't leave them an inheritance though. They have two adults that will leave money to them, the same as my DC. If I had DSC that had an absent or dead parent then I would probably split it evenly. Otherwise, why should the DSC inherit from more adults than a step parents' bio children?

Chip on your shoulder?

I think it’s grabby AF to expect to inherit from your parents AND your stepparents, but actually this entitled attitude seems to
be fostered in blended families tbh.

I won't be inheriting from my step family. My step family however will be inheriting from mine.

How is it fair if the SC get to inherit from their mother, father and stepmum (and potentially stepdad) when the stepmums kids only get to inherit from her and their dad? I don’t see that as fair at all.
I certainly won’t be leaving anything to DSC as they already have a large maternal family to inherit from.

My step sister will be inheriting from her stepdad, my dad. I won't be inheriting from her mother, my stepmother

If you "really really don't give a shit" that people disagree with you, why are you here instigating a discussion on a board that literally asks people to question your narrative?

You don't need to criticise all step mothers, you don't need to hit out at posters who call you on how you've worded things (hysterical?).

You do probably need to see a therapist to talk about a childhood and collection of adults who surrounded you in that childhood who caused or facilitated enough trauma that you're carrying it to this extent.

I should mention too that I am from a blended family, I have 2 half siblings. They treated my mum like shit, their mum was awful to her despite my mum going above and beyond to help out and try to foster a relationship, but they never accepted her, or me for that matter.

Nailed it. I feel the same as a single parent of 2 boys.

My exh has many faults and has gone through numerous relationships since our split but one thing I am glad about is that he doesn't seem to have any intention of blending either.

@ShakeNvacStevens Well said, especially the last paragraph 👏.

I have a wonderful stepdad of 30 years, and I still agree with everything you say.

I read what people say about their stepchildren, listen to how they talk to and about them and just think ‘why’? I wouldn’t inflict it on my child anymore than I would inflict myself upon someone else’s children.

It's always the children who draw the short straw, so no - just no.

The wicked step mother trope is incredibly damaging because it means a lot of people go into blended family situations thinking they know what they’re getting into and they’ll be fine because they’re not that person - they like kids, don’t see them as a threat or as a reminder of the ex, will be happy to be kind and fair, even pick up the odd school run etc so yeah there might be the odd bump in the road just like in nuclear families but nothing that can’t be overcome with a bit of love.

Nothing prepares you for issues caused by loyalty binds, having an ex actively working against you forming bonds with your DSC, Disney parenting (which just looks like love to the inexperienced eye), expected to put yourself last all the time to accommodate others’ wants (not needs), the give an inch take a mile expectations placed upon you, all with a healthy dose of treat them like your own but know your place if you want any input. It messes with your head having literally everything you do, even the most mundane interactions, judged as “evidence” as to whether you love or accept your DSCs. But it’s the boiling frog syndrome - you don’t realise you’ve ended up walking on eggshells all the time because it becomes your norm gradually - just like someone in a controlling relationship doesn’t realise they’re being abused because appeasing their abuser so that things don’t kick off just becomes instinctive.

Yes you’re going to get awful step parents but it’s not because step parenting is wrong per se - you get awful parents too. Arseholes gonna arsehole whether they’re dating someone with kids or not. And let’s not forget where the real responsibility lies for bringing these people into their DC’s lives - the parent. For every step mum misdirecting their resentment onto their DSC I see a lot more adult stepchildren who misdirect their anger from their actual parent onto their step parent.

I personally don't know of a single situation where it worked out, it always seems to be a disaster. My uncle and his wife divorced when his kids were adults and while the kids accepted that they still gave his new partner (he met a couple of years after they separated) a really hard time and eventually broke off all contact with their dad.

I dated a divorced man with young adult and teenage daughters (and one son), the son was fine with me but his daughters were horrendous to me, acted like I'd been the one to break up their parents marriage when I didn't even meet him until after the divorce and it was the mothers affair that caused the split.

Never again!

Just to add some positivity to this thread.. My parents separated when I was 10 and my dad remarried a few years later. I love my step-mum to bits and - even though my dad died over 10 years ago - I still see and speak to her regularly. On that same note, my DP has a 12 yo daughter and I love her to bits too. We get on well, I don't think I overstep the mark in anyway (?!), she tells me all her school gossip (which her dad isn't bothered about!) and usually runs most stuff by me (whether she can join a dance class / have a sleepover / go shopping with her friends etc). I know things might change as she gets older but from day one I think we've felt comfortable around each other.

I think the key is knowing your boundaries (I never agree to anything with DSD without telling her to run it by her mum or dad first), don't ask / discuss her "other" parents / homelife unless they want to talk about anything (I have a friend who constantly quizzes her DSDs about their mum which must make them so uncomfortable?!), let them spend one on one time with their parent without you being around, make sure they feel comfortable in your home (sounds obvious but I know of some step-parents who are determined to make their SC feel like guests when they stay over) and most importantly (in my opinion), don't try to be a parent, let them guide the relationship and follow their lead in terms of how affectionate / open / trusting they are.

Remember the children didn't choose for their parents to split up or to live between 2 homes. It's our responsibility as adults, parents and step-parents to make the transition and new life as easy and normal as possible for them.

Your problem OP (and so many others) is that you think DSC should be included in absolutely everything and get absolutely everything from absolutely everyone. If you think like that then of course you’re going to be gobsmacked when a stepmum spends some well deserved quality time with her own child. That’s your problem.

I think women are justifiably refusing to take on full responsibility for their husband's children as an unpaid nanny, giving him free pass to do as he pleases, unencumbered by his children. Within this context, exists a minority of women who are deeply resentful of their position as second wife and would ideally prefer to erase all evidence of the original family. The first provides them with justification for the second.

I am at the point where we are planning to introduce my partner to my children (been in a relationship 12 months, will be more like 14/15 months when he meets them).

He doesn’t have children, I have been clear I won’t have anymore. This is the only way I could ever do a blended family.

I can’t say with certainty this relationship is forever, who can, but I’m certain Iv found a gentle and kind man and although we don’t know how things will go or what role he would play in their lives, those qualities in him will make it something positive for my children.

That is the key, making sure your choice of partner emotionally intelligent and compassionate.

Sadly this is true.

There are some wonderful stepmums out there, some are infinitely better than the biological mothers however they appear to be in a minority. I'm often shocked at the vitriol spouted on the steparenting board towards young children. These women have no business being steparents.

I met my now husband and fell for him, he was separated with 3 kids. 2 older teens and an 11 yr old. I spent years in a one way street of caring with nothing but vitriol back. 20 yrs later and I’m there - yes 20yrs. Their mum cause me untold amounts of grief ( I am significantly younger than her) but it’s been worth it. I never viewed anything as the kids fault, their mum damaged them by using them as pawns but I will say the role of a step mum can be a thankless and almost
impossible one it just depends on what your line in the sand for throwing the towel on is.

And by the same token not everyone develops strong bonds with a child just because they live with them part of the week.

Agreed. OP can you explain how simply being in the same house for a few days per week with someone will create a massive bond?