12 years down the drain..

Quite right OP, mental health isn’t an excuse. Well done for kicking him to the curb.

You haven’t wasted 12 years though. You have your lovely DC. The fact that he turned out to be an idiot is really shit, but something good did come out of it all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very similar to what I went through with my ex over 12 years ago now. I had forgiven him a few times "for the sake of the kids" but I just couldn't do it any longer. He spent money on the other women then lied to me and about me to them and it was just hell. I was totally broken.

Finding the strength to get rid of him is amazing, keep that strength when you start to waver over anything. Any time I started to think that I had overreacted or it maybe wasn't as bad as I was thinking, I reminded myself of all the things he had done to me and how it made me feel and reminded myself that my feelings were valid and I wasn't a doormat anymore.

I've since met and married an amazing man who constantly puts me first. And he even helps me with the insecurities I still have thanks to my ex. Finally getting rid of the ex is the best thing I've ever done in my life.

As for my ex, the kids are 20 and 16 now. He's slowly moved further and further away, he's been in a few different relationships and this last move was moving in with his newest girlfriend and 1.5 hours from us. He saw the kids only twice last year I think it was, although they do message a bit.

I told school and they were fine with just letting me collect them at the moment.

Just be aware that if he does turn up to collect them the school can’t prevent him from taking them assuming he has parental rights. It’s a truly shit situation, I hope you’re able to care for yourself in the midst of sorting out the practical bits.

I'm@UnlawfulBananaPeeler it sounds like he didn't want to get caught.

As hard and as sickening as it is, does he have any mental health problems? It sounds like he gets some kind of hit from the attention.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you. He may just have underlying mental health conditions and gets a dopamine hit / something....

If there is any hope, maybe worth looking into.

If you are done, then you're done!

I think you need to think long term even though you’re angry. I don’t know your situation and everyone’s is different but if this was me I’d let him collect the children (as long as his a good dad, which mine is) then call sounding distressed so he thinks I care and then leave it at that, as the truth is him collecting the kids and having the kids 50/50 would help in the future if I needed to go back to work, if he thinks it’s what you won’t want he may continue to do it, when secretly it is what I want. Just think ahead on these things.

Ring school and say you will be collecting early through the office. They don’t need to know why. If they ask, say it’s for the dentist. Give yourself a day or two breathing space.

Sorry to hear this OP but at least you can say that you tried to make the relationship work and for that you should have no regrets.

I would ring the school and explain that you’ve just separated and it’s very raw but the kids don’t know.
However, you are concerned that he may pick them up from school out of spite/try and hold them over you.
So although they can’t stop him, you can ask if they ring you asap if he picks them up so that you are aware.

Why are you worried that he’ll pick the kids up?

Well done. Better to have wasted 12 years the 13. Just keep moving ❤️

@UnlawfulBananaPeeler

When you get promised change you wait for it .
We have two children.
Its not that easy

I'm really sorry my PP was a bit too blunt

It takes few times till the switch goes on in our brains and we think WTF are putting up with

You will feel free and a sigh of relief when it's just you and your DC

Don't even think about what he's up to or take him back - he'll just really irritate you

You had 2 DC in those 12 years so I'm sure they weren't a total waste. Please, please, please do not take him back. You deserve much better than this.

Sorry to hear that. Yep easy enough for people to say you should have left but it’s rarely that easy in real life. Hope all goes well for you

It's hard but he's clearly not trustworthy and no point living with someone you can't trust. Make sure you contact CMS tomorrow because he will have to pay child maintenance for the DC.

OP I'm sorry you deserve better and I hope you do get a better partner (when you're ready).

Well done for kicking him out. You deserve much better than a lying cheating pig. Big hugs to you and your children 💐

I think about mine this way- I didn't waste the years, I spent them in good faith but was let down. But luckily, over those years, I grew strong enough to know my worth for the next load of years, which are now for me and my children.

I hope you can find peace, and stay strong if he tries to weasel his way back in- he cheated on you and your children, so now it's time to make your own family without him, stronger and with integrity.

I'm SO sorry you've found yourself in this position OP, but you must be a very strong person to have kicked him out as quickly as you have, so well done for that. As another poster said, don't spend another moment wasting headspace on him, concentrate on moving forward, and hopefully screw the bastard out of every penny you can for your kids. Good luck for the future.

Oh no what a bastard, they must be under 12 so still so young. So sorry you are going through this.

So sorry you are going through this OP, do you have children to consider or can you cut him loose or are you married?

I hope it wasnt with a friend or anyone you know.

💐 🫂

Next time leave the first time

Then you wouldn't have wasted all 12 years

Draw a line under it

Move on