Driving lessons

Is there any reason YOU can't go out in the car with her? You have a valid licence. After 40 lessons, she is competent enough to not need you to take over and drive, and okay, you may not be able to give her any driving advice, but just sitting there calmly and encouraging her would be much better than going out with her dad.

I'm 36 and still can't drive and have such driving anxiety but I really want to do it. Not for myself but for my kids. To be able to just take them anywhere I want to. I've actually been looking up hypnotherapy to see if it helps. Literally desperate. I've been having lessons on and off but due to anxiety and then the general cost it's been stop and start.

I thunk you should still encourage her but maybe try auto or a new instructor and don't let dad take her because that sets you back. Being shouted at. I know.

I am a massively anxious driver. I started lessons and stopped a few times through my 20s because of the anxiety. Just before covid hit I started learning again in an automatic with the most chilled instructor ever and it did make a massive difference to my ability to drive. I had to stop lessons due to covid but picked it back up again in 2022 and passed 2nd go last April (I am mid 30s).

My DH and DPs were dead against me going automatic because they felt it was too limiting but it just reduced the coordination required to a more manageable level for me. I still hate driving especially on an unfamiliar route but it is very freeing to be able to do it when needed now and the anxiety is less than when I first started lessons.

Finding a different instructor with an automatic car might make all the difference so I'd suggest that before throwing the towel in altogether but I'd let her take a break from it first.

It's a useful skill but it would probably be good for her to have a break and think about if she wants to pursue it later. The brain actually rewires over time. There was something I found hard at 18 (physical activity, not driving) and when I tried it again in my 20s I found it much easier - no practice in between.

Dad shouting definitely won't help. Most schools are in towns or cities so public transport or car sharing could well be available. And maybe we will have driverless cars at some point.

What an absolute prick of a husband you're got. Shouting at a scared child.

Swap her to automatic and you take her out. You have a license and can sit with her. Literally anyone is better than a shouting twat.

One of my DS had an instructor who made him very very stressed and was of the opinion he couldn’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes . After far too long and much expense he gave up, and then a couple of weeks later he wanted to try again with a friends instructor, and it was the making of him, a world of difference. They need an instructor that suits them.

I think she does need to press on with it to be honest. I absolutely hated learning to drive and I had so many lessons. It took me at least 18 months, but I did pass first time by some miracle. I hated driving for a long time, would only drive places I knew and avoided motorways at all costs. But the more I did the better I got and the less anxious I became. I don’t really mind now and I have a 45 minute commute that involves busy motorways. I’ll also drive big distances to unknown places now I’ve got a car with a satnav. I do still worry about parking though. I hate really busy car parks, I’ll actively avoid parallel parking and still worry about the parking situation if I’m going somewhere new.

Yelling won’t help so she needs to stop going out with her dad as that is not helping . Change instructors , get recommendations for an instructor who is good with nervous drivers . My daughter started learning at 17 , had 4 lessons and gave up as she didn’t gel with the instructor. We started again last year , picked a lady instructor who claimed she was good with nervous drivers and she passed with less than 40 hrs instruction and very minimal practice ( started mid Jan passed early Oct manual car) . That said my son is an assistant head teacher and he knows plenty of teachers that don’t drive .

I don't drive ( l do have a motorbike licence) used to ride a lot.. ( wasa motorcycle instructor)but myself and my two daughters went abroad.. holidays and days out in the UK.
Two bus rides to high school.
We live in a city so easy to get from A to B..
My daughter is taking her son on a caravan holiday next week.. no car/ driving involved.. train and bus.
It's either something you really want to do and enjoy or not .
My eldest past her theory.. was put in for her test.. then decided she doesn't even like driving .
I'm lucky my sister loves it and we go all over together..
But nervous drivers should not be driving.. it's too dangerous.

No more lessons with parents and ask around for recommendations for a new instructor. One who is patient, kind and encouraging. How you dh is being is awful. Driving gives much freedom and independence.

If she doesn’t want to drive you can’t force her. She can still be a teacher, my friend is a teacher and doesn’t drive. However, she would be relying on taxis or good public transport to get to placements.

I love driving. I love the freedom and the independence. I have taken my minibus test recently as well and the instructor commented on how confident and competent I was.

If you don't want to drive, don't. If you're too anxious or nervous to drive, don't. You'll be a danger to everyone on the road, including you.

Your husband is being awful. How is it not obvious to him that shouting and calling her a driving disaster is making things worse. I don’t know why on earth you bought her a car when she was clearly struggling with driving either.

I think whether she drives or not should be her decision not yours. If she wants to give it up she should and she can come back to it later. I didn’t start lessons until I was about 23 as I couldn’t afford it before then but also by that age, I had worked out that being able to drive would greatly improve my life.

New instructor, no lessons from parents, automatic car

I am a teacher and am 40. I only passed my test (on the 9th attempt) this year so it is perfectly possible for her to manage without driving. My uni were very good about finding me placements on a train route and I have worked at schools that are walkable to train stations.

I also switched to learning in an automatic which gave me less to think about. This might be an option for your daughter to make it a bit easier for her?

I think her problem is your DH and his attitude.

I know plenty of adults who don’t drive or can and don’t have a car, they are fine and work around it. Of course if you can drive it makes life easier in certain circumstances, just by having a choice, but it’s not for everyone and no one should be forced, especially if they are going to be shouted and screamed at. Her father is an arse, and will be making her antipathy to driving so much worse.

My ds is dyslexic and driving is harder for him ( he hasn’t learnt yet, tried, stopped, knows he has to try again, but didn’t like it ) because apart from poor motor skills dyslexia means he has a very poor short term memory so learning anything takes him much longer.

I do drive, but don’t like it much after an accident and limit it to my own comfort zones. It’s so much more difficult to learn now, and hugely expensive, my local instructors want to do two hour lessons at £70 each - who can afford that every week?

However, having said all that, it might be worth her having a few lessons on an automatic just to see if she prefers it, it’s so much easier, she can concentrate on the road, so it’s so much less stressful. The majority of electric cars are automatic anyway, and that’s the way we are going.

For all those who say autos limit choices, no they don’t. I’ve driven them for 30 years, I’ve never had a situation where I needed to drive manual, and they don’t cost anymore to maintain or insure.

I wouldn't say it's essential to be able to drive to be a teacher @harveyluna789, DP has been a teacher for 20 years and has only been able to drive for the last 8. I'm sure it would have made things easier in the early days when she was doing supply and travelling all over the region, but she managed with public transport.

By the sounds of it her current instructor isn't helping. There's more to teaching someone how to drive than knowing how a car works and the rules of the road. Are there other instructors in the area with a reputation for being more patient?

Would it help for her to not get too hung up on the number of lessons or how long it's taking? Maybe go back to driving on quieter roads to build up her confidence? In a way the working the car part of driving becomes second nature and it's the observing and taking things in that sits at the front of your mind. Maybe driving around a quiet area every night would help her concentrate on that aspect rather than worrying about a lot going on outside the car?

I'm another with driving anxiety. It's very common and shouldn't be dismissed by your other friends and family. Your DH in particular needs to back off as he is undermining her. I remember what it was like learning to drive with my Dad teaching me as he was very tense (I understood why) and a total perfectionist.

I drive virtually only on my patch now really. I have done for a long time. I use public transport where I possibly can and the very occasional taxi. I have eyesight issues and poor night vision, which doesn't help at all, especially during the winter months. I have never taken naturally to drive and never enjoyed it at all.

If you live somewhere on decent public transport routes then I would let her choose whether to continue or not. I also think that you should explain to her why you don't drive so that she feels understood.

She'll have to understand that she will always need to live near good public transport links rather than in the arse end of nowhere if she doesn't want to drive. It's a valid choice though and one that I will make as and when I need to completely stop driving.

I didn't learn until I was late 20s, passed just after turned 30. I had a friend that had a driving accident when we were 17, and it scared me too much to learn. I am really glad I can drive now and wish I had done it sooner.

How does she fare with other tasks with multiple things at the same time - can she play the piano, use a sewing machine etc?

Has she ever had to do anything with road safety before - does she cycle on roads, for example? Because I couldn't drive, I cycled everywhere for a long time, and you have to have good observation or you get squashed! If you've just driven her everywhere, she may not really "get it".

If you give her lifts, don't let her sit there on her phone. Make her look at the road, talk through what you are doing, or get her to talk through what you need to do.

Automatic would give her one less thing to think about but it doesn't sound like the clutch control is her biggest problem.

You need to encourage her to keep going. Anxiety is not a valid reason to give up an important life skill. Not being able to drive will limit her and make her life harder.

I second learning automatic. I'm currently learning automatic and would never be able to cope with the gears and the clutch on top of everything else. My instructor is also absolutely lovely, so looking for a nicer (maybe female) instructor might help. Having someone getting angry and shouting at you whilst driving isn't exactly going to make you feel calm about it. And your husband is being a prick.

Also possibly consider treating the general anxiety with something like propranolol. I'm anxiety prone and take one for every lesson.

I honestly think if she's had 40 actual lessons and gone out with her dad and is still nowhere near test ready then driving isn't for her.
As an aside I'm a teacher, I do drive now, but I didn't when I trained and I used public transport for placements and got a job in a school I could walk to.

Also unless she teaches in the country, lots of towns and cities have good public transport, so she would be OK

Apart from when she's 16. She's also -if going to uni in September - nearly 18.

I find myself unable to take these threads at face value.

But fwiw - lots of young teachers can't drive, often because their parents didn't have the funds to bankroll their lessons, car or insurance.