Driving lessons

I remember being so anxious that I would be physically sick before driving lessons. It took me years, and several different instructors, before it clicked and I realised I could do it.

The key thing for me was that I found an instructor who understood that I was anxious, and it was the anxiety that was preventing me from being able to process and retain the skills I needed to master driving. He was so calm, kind and patient but also made it clear he believed I could, and would, pass my test so that I started to believe I could do it too.

By the time I passed (on my third attempt) I was in my 20's. I couldn't believe how much easier being able to drive made my life. I loved the freedom and convenience of it but became really anxious about driving on the motorway. The first time I did it I was crying the whole time, but I pushed through and kept doing it until I got used to it. Now I'm a confident driver and have driven all over the country for work without feeling anxious.

In your shoes I would strongly encourage your DD not to give up, but no more lessons from your DH. He sounds like he is doing much more harm than good. Get her a proper instructor, one who understands anxiety.

Oh and please stop the shouting at her. If there’s one certain way to put her off it’s that

I didn’t learn til I was 36 but it was a real life changer. I would say to switch to automatic, get a different instructor and find someone else to take her out for practice.

Get her a different instructor (there are ones who specialise in teaching people with disabilities such as dyspraxia) and switch her to automatic. Best thing my DD ever did!

The shouting at her will not help at all, it will only make things worse.

Have a look if there’s anything like this in your area, or if they do any online coaching www.roadstosuccess.co.uk

I have driving anxiety and I think people who find it easy just can’t imagine how scary it is. DH just cannot comprehend why I’m so terrified. I drive the bare minimum. Yes it can hold me back but so can feeling constant dread.

I am not surprised she is struggling if everyone is shouting at her.

Let her have a break from it all, find a new instructor with an automatic car and let her start again. She won't know herself without faffing with gears, and if she has a patient instructor who explains things quietly and well, she'll be fine.

Fucking hell. Poor, poor girl. Getting screamed and shouted at by her father and instructor. No wonder she's not learning. If you can't facilitate her learning in a calm environment where she's not being verbally abused, then leave it. She can try when she's older and doesn't have to put up with people screaming at her.

I imagine her instructor and father have done so much damage - at least in the short term - that she's not going to be able to learn now anyway.

Her dad either stops shouting at her or she stops going out with him to drive . She will learn nothing like that
She could take a break if she wants to and come back to it one day
I am 30 and just learning now..I don't need to but it will be massively convenient sometimes especially with two young kids .
Automatic and another instructor definitely worth a try if she really wants to learn as well

Shouting at any driver is not ok. But tbf I love driving and so teaching ds1 was easy, he was very calm and got it immediately, so only needed a few lessons. Ask around on your local town Facebook group if any driving instructors specifically deals either anxious drivers.

It sounds to me that her anxiety is being exacerbated by her instructor and her DF shouting at her and telling her that she is a bad driver. I would be looking for another instructor for her. I would also consider her learning automatic rather than manual. Hybrid and electric cars are the future and they are all automatic.

For me it's essential and I am always surprised when adults can't drive. That said, if she is so stressed that she a danger to herself and others then maybe it's not a great idea, provided any future jobs don't require driving and she lives somewhere with decent public transport.

I agree, your husband has to stop yellibg at her. That won't help at all

But I disagree that she should give up. She's had a lot of lessons so far so should plough on.

Driving is a life skill and I can't imagine life without a car or being unable to drive, but then I live rurally with v scant public transport

I suffered with social anxiety as a teenager and was not ready to learn (and couldn't have afforded it). I learnt at 21 after having spent three years doing a 1.5hr commute to work by bus everyday and passed first time. My daughter is similar and has chosen not to learn yet (she's currently at Uni) but probably will later when she's ready. My soon to be 17 year old son can't wait to learn and is already on a waiting list with an instructor.
I know at least 3 people who have never learnt for different reasons and it's not held them back, I think you just need to accept certain things need more planning or you need to be more flexible, e.g. relocating for work.

For goodness sake! It’s just not ok for an instructor and your husband to be shouting at the poor kid. No wonder she hates it, and no wonder she doesn’t have any confidence. As her mum, protect her. Take the pressure off. Plenty of people, teachers included m, don’t drive. If she doesn’t learn now, that doesn’t mean she never will. Leave her be to find her own place, don’t tell her about your experience and for goodness sake stand up to what is after all emotional abuse from her dad and her instructor.

p.s. my instructor was soooo nice I did break down in the car a couple of times and he let me off free of charge for the remainder of the lesson. And he kept telling me I would eventually pass. He never showed any anger or frustration towards me. I'm tearing up now thinking about him now he was so patient.

It's highly unlikely that your daughter is a bad driver OP. Driving is mostly about confidence and hers must be shattered with all these men shouting at her.

The things she's finding though are NORMAL.

I was a shit driver - sexually assaulted by my very first driving instructor as a teen. I stopped learning, left home, then started again with the loveliest, most patient instructor. Was hard going as first especially with the past trauma but he was so patient, and I progressed well.

He took me on back roads first, concentrating on two gears, then turning, parking, before finally taking me out onto busier roads. it took 20+ hours of lessons before the road but he was super patient. Nobody is expected to concentrate on all of these things at the same time easily when beginning, it comes with practice. You will hear people bragging about 'only' having a few lessons but they never mention the hours and hours of parental car practice.

A family friend of my then boyfriend's took me out for some practice just before my test (instructor was on holiday).. he was terrible. Constant yelling, put me down, told me I was a danger. Undid MONTHS of good work. I was crying by the end, failed my test in the first 5 minutes. My instructor was shocked, he asked my why my driving had deteriorated so badly.

Anyway, I put that behind me, carried on with instructor, had some hypnotherapy, which helped. I passed my second test. On the most difficult route, with an examiner known for harshness. In fact, during the test there was a cyclist coming the other way.... cars behind were beeping me, I ignored them and calmly waited for him to pass before overtaking. Examiner was impressed.

I'm now free as a bird! I need to drive for work but I can do anything. Drive to hikes, drive for events, I still take public transport but if there are strikes or anything,. jump in the car and I'm there!

Please don't be a coward. Please defend your daughter. Don't let another woman's life chances be restricted by angry, rude, borderline abusive men. Who knows. Even you, confidence might a problem rather than dyspraxia.

Change to a more pleasant instructor or an automatic. If THAT fails, then maybe consider giving up. But not under these circumstances.

Her age and learning to drive doesn't match up with other threads about how she is applying to sixth form and can't be left alone for the weekend.
Or is this another DD who wasn't mentioned in the being left alone for the weekend thread?

You should stop the lessons and let her learn when she is older.
You do not need to drive to be a teacher as long as you live somewhere where there are a lot of schools easily accessible by public transport. University placements will take into account whether people can drive or not. Worst case scenario she might have to stay in an airbnb for a few weeks if a placement is not accessible.

Driving doesn't have to be an 'important life skill'- I learned at 17 and was terrified at every point, I never felt fully in control of what I was doing. I stopped lessons as the uni town I went to was easy to get around on foot & public transport, and never picked it up again. At 43 I have my life set up perfectly - in a town with great transport, I can walk to work, my kids' schools, the shops, doctors, dentists, and am within 20 on the bus from restaurant/cinemas etc

My partner drives, but I don't need him to. I appreciate lifts when they are offered, but don't rely on them or expect them. I don't ever intend to drive, and I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I think this obsession & expectation of driving as a requirement needs to shift so that it's a 'nice to have' for days out etc rather than a necessity which means people get so lazy that they won't even walk half a mile to a shop.

No wonder your daughter is anxious with your DH treating her like that.

My DD didn't want to learn to drive at 17 either, we encouraged but she just wasn't ready so left it until she was. She learnt at 19 - no idea how many lessons until she passed. Almost certainly more than average but passed and happy driving around now.

I learnt at 23 as there was little point before that (lived in a city and couldn't afford a car). Very glad I did then as shortly after passing my test I got a job which would've taken ages to get to via public transport (and walking) and been a massive pita vs a 15 min drive.

Not sure why she needs to drive to be teacher? I only passed recently in my late 30s after having kids and moving somewhere more rural and driving has made life easier - I coped fine and never felt the need to drive really before kids. Happy walking a lot or taking public transport - started cycling a few years before. Depends where she lives.

i also learnt in an automatic to make life easier and had a very calm female instructor. Maybe take a break for a few years or change instructors.

It's really hard when you just don't 'get' driving. I did pass as a teenager but was always an anxious driver and didn't get a car/drive afterwards. I made sure I lived close to where I worked and did public transport which took much longer than driving would have.

I'm now a sahm and have managed on buses but it takes me e.g an hour and 2 buses to get to soft play which would be a 10 minute drive. I am doing 'refresher lessons' with my husband at the moment to try and get back to driving but I find it very hard to judge road posititioning, width of the car and still find it overwhelming sometimes all the things you need to do at once (mirrors, gears, steering, speed). I know I make mistakes that must annoy other drivers and I don't know whether any of these things will ever get easier as just don't 'get' it and would not feel confident driving on my own

I guess the question is, will she ever want to drive independently even if she manages to pass her test?

My teenage dc has a provisional, but is yet to book any lessons as they simply don't want to yet. They fully intend to drive in the future.
I would take a break from your dd learning to drive. She may find it easier in a year or 2.

At a time when our public transport is so expensive and services in rural areas being cut, I'd say it's pretty important to be able to drive.
She may just need a break and try again in an automatic.
I say that as someone who's DD struggled with terrible anxiety learning to drive and very nearly gave up. She initially learnt in a manual - didn't get out of the driveway twice during her lessons as tearful and her instructor said she was unsafe. Just couldn't understand why it wasn't clicking for her and we spent a fortune on about 60 lessons and 2 different instructors. Even spoke to her GP as she was desperate to pass before starting uni and I think that just added on the pressure. I took her out on a couple of occasions, it was nerve wracking and she picked up on that so it didn't help her at all. She failed her test 3 times and took a break. Didn't even think about an automatic previously as her Dad and I only ever drove manuals, but then she had an ankle injury so it was automatic or nothing. Don't know if being that little bit older (3 year break) or down to the automatic but starting again she was so much more relaxed and passed easily. Now drives all over the country and 2 years on is so confident and one of the safest drivers I know.
If she hadn't been able to drive she would have missed out on job opportunities and restricted to where she lives (train station, bus services) so for DD it has been essential.
Incidentally DH & I now also drive automatics (unrelated reason) and wouldn't go back to manual - autos so much easier.

Let her drive an automatic- I didn’t pass my test in one but have driven one since and despite being e very nervous driver at the start will go anywhere now! It is a game changer and you don’t won’t her go limit herself like you have done. Driving is freedom and I’d encourage my daughter to do it any way I could.

It depends on your circumstances, where you live etc. I live in a big city with lots of public transport and I managed until I was in my thirties. I passed my driving test in my 20s but I was so anxious I didn’t really drive afterwards and lost any skills. I got lessons again using an automatic and the anxiety is gone, I have a car, but it’s only because I need it for work and school runs now. I didn’t NEED to drive prior to now.