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Original poster

Dh destroying kitchen after every meal, getting me down

138 replies

Joulee · 08/03/2024 01:11

I know I have a neatness issue which I recognise is a “me problem” so to speak.

But I genuinely hate facing a messy kitchen in the morning. It gets me down. I grew up in a messy environment so I’m sure there is a psychological reasons for this.

Dh is a pilot. So his days are long and his hours are varied. He will often leave the house at 3AM but equally as often will get home at around midnight on days when he starts late.

We have 2 children and I am a SAHM.

DH has cooked a VERY simple dinner - chicken, rice and frozen broccoli. And trashed the kitchen. I can make lasagnas and pies and only produce 1/100th of the mess.

He will often say leave the dishes I will do it when I get back. But the sink is full and there is spillover on the hob/surfaces. If I were to leave it not only would I feel gross but we would get behind and into one of those ruts when it is impossible to get to the bottom of the dishes.

DH cooks dinner maybe once or twice a week due to his hours.

I’m just writing this out because I’m so upset at Dh but also myself for not being able to take the mess on the chin.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 01:13

I’m fighting the urge to go downstairs and clean up.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 08/03/2024 01:15

No, your particular household needs to agree that if you cook, you clean up after yourself. And that means straight after you've eaten so it doesn't get left and left.

He may start deciding its all too much effort and fix himself a couple of sandwiches for dinner Grin

crumblingschools · 08/03/2024 01:18

Do you have a dishwasher?

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 01:19

I make sure the dishwasher is empty before I cook and then just load up as I go.

It’s getting to the stage where I’d prefer he didn’t bother.

I was looking forward to sitting on the sofa and having my dinner cooked as we’ve had a long run recently of me being on my own at dinner time.

OP posts:
32degrees · 08/03/2024 01:19

So his plan is for the mess to wait for him, all day, until he gets home at midnight?

Not ok.

You're a SAHM- that kitchen is your workplace, you are stuck looking at it/trying to make use of it all day. How would he feel if you trashed his cockpit and left splatters and dirty utensils everywhere?

He needs to clean up after he cooks.

That should be the rule for everyone.

It's not ok to fuck off out the door to work leaving a mess for the SAHP.

OhGingleBells · 08/03/2024 01:19

It was exactly like this with my family. Parents/siblings very messy and happy to leave their mess for someone else! I can’t bear it. A messy, dirty kitchen can bring me to tears. It’s so sloppy and inconsiderate to not tidy up after yourself.

You can try and put some non-negotiable rules in place, e.g. the sink needs to be clear. Mostly you probably just have to suck it up and clean up after him. Get your children trained and eventually if you all stick to the ‘keeping the kitchen tidy rules’ maybe your dh will get it! Really sympathise with you. It can be so frustrating and distressing.

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 01:21

crumblingschools · 08/03/2024 01:18

Do you have a dishwasher?

Yes, when I went into the kitchen for my meal the dishwasher was on. God knows with what as the sink was full.

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 08/03/2024 02:10

Does he really love cooking? Is there much sense in him doing these meals? Given his odd hours, it might make more sense for you to do all the cooking, and he can take care of some other tasks insofar it's reasonable with his work schedule. I do think that if someone is a SAHP they should do most of the housework during the week.

32degrees · 08/03/2024 02:51

user1477391263 · 08/03/2024 02:10

Does he really love cooking? Is there much sense in him doing these meals? Given his odd hours, it might make more sense for you to do all the cooking, and he can take care of some other tasks insofar it's reasonable with his work schedule. I do think that if someone is a SAHP they should do most of the housework during the week.

I think it depends how old / demanding the children are.

If they're at school then yes. If she has a baby attached to one arm and a toddler attached to the other all day, then no.

sashh · 08/03/2024 02:53

When you have a day together batch cook and freeze meals for him. Freeze in foil trays so all he has to do is remove the lid and put in the oven.

Or if you know he will be home at midnight have everything ready for him to cook, so chicken in the frying pan, rice in another pan with the broccoli in a steamer to cook over the rice.

I realise that isn't something you can do in the summer, but you could have the pans on the hob and the chicken in the fridge.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 08/03/2024 02:58

Make something for both of you that he can reheat in microwave.

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 03:01

user1477391263 · 08/03/2024 02:10

Does he really love cooking? Is there much sense in him doing these meals? Given his odd hours, it might make more sense for you to do all the cooking, and he can take care of some other tasks insofar it's reasonable with his work schedule. I do think that if someone is a SAHP they should do most of the housework during the week.

Dh says he likes cooking. The “need” for him to cook comes from situations where I want to sit down in the evening and relax. DH doesn’t like takeaways.

I probably do 95% of chores.

I’m up at 6:30 with a 7 and 3 yo. DH will only help with loading a dishwasher/cooking on days when he has come home relatively early and does not have an early start the next day.

Fairly regularly DH will come home, tuck the kids in and go straight to sleep.

On his days off he will help out with keeping things tidy but he isnt doing tasks like scrubbing the shower glass iykwim.

OP posts:
Oblomov24 · 08/03/2024 03:11

This wouldn't be ok for me. Have you sat him down and talked to him. I wouldn't let this go. We tidy as we cook. And after we've eaten dinner we clear away, dishwasher goes on, kitchen is thus clean, and we sit down in the lounge to watch tv. Most people do this. Why on earth wouldn't your Dh?

flyinghen · 08/03/2024 03:12

Whatever you cook for yourself, make extra for him and plate it up for him to reheat when he gets in. Going back a while but when I was in college I always worked till late. I would get home at 10:30 to plated up leftovers from my mum and it was very appreciated. Then he makes zero more mess. Alternatively if this isn't a frequent issue, maybe he can have a ready meal instead.

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 03:22

flyinghen · 08/03/2024 03:12

Whatever you cook for yourself, make extra for him and plate it up for him to reheat when he gets in. Going back a while but when I was in college I always worked till late. I would get home at 10:30 to plated up leftovers from my mum and it was very appreciated. Then he makes zero more mess. Alternatively if this isn't a frequent issue, maybe he can have a ready meal instead.

Yes, if DH is getting home after 4pm I always cook. And if he has a very early start the next day I even make sure it is ready for him basically when he gets home due to his early night.

I feel like a slave. We have a cleaner come once a week but tbh after a day it looks like she never came.

On his days off it does feel 50/50, in his defence.

OP posts:
flyinghen · 08/03/2024 03:33

@Joulee I mean when he's coming in at 3am etc. leave some in the fridge for him.

Unless you have ready meals daily surely you cook for yourself and your kids everyday? So just make extra? He can cook on his days off, and then tidy up after himself.

I'm a SAHM too and midweek I make the dinners generally and husband helps when needed and also cooks some meals at the weekend. I hate cooking and meal planning but unfortunately if we don't do it we starve so just got to get on with it.

Luckycloverz · 08/03/2024 03:41

Just needs some food ready waiting in fridge he can reheat, working long days as a pilot then coming home at odd hours having to fully cook a meal seems strange when extra could have just been plated up for him when you and kids had dinner earlier.

Muthaofcats · 08/03/2024 03:46

If you’re a SAHm then I guess it’s your job to do the domestics?

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 08/03/2024 03:48

You can’t reheat rice can you? Isn’t chicken a bit risky too? (Don’t eat either).

What’s the process Op? Does he cook this meal from fresh? Chop the broccoli? How does he cook the chicken? Then just leave everything as is?

I fail to understand how he’s making all this mess! You have my sympathies.

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 03:57

So I’ve just done as good a clean as I can with two full bins Angry. Hob needs a wipe and there’s shit all the bottom of the sink.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 04:08

Luckycloverz · 08/03/2024 03:41

Just needs some food ready waiting in fridge he can reheat, working long days as a pilot then coming home at odd hours having to fully cook a meal seems strange when extra could have just been plated up for him when you and kids had dinner earlier.

He doesn’t work a long day and fully cook. The mess is created when he cooks for the entire family on days off or a day when he’s home early (4pm seems to be the cooking cut off we have naturally settled on).

He cooked today because he got home at 3pm, granted he started very early but had a long nap (I did school pick up) so was rested and happy to cook. I let him as I’ve done a lot of the dinners recently and could not be arsed.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 08/03/2024 04:16

In our house the one who cooks doesn’t clear up. Works for us. DH does most of the cooking and while he’s doing that I’m pottering around tidying, folding laundry etc. Then once we’ve eaten I load the dishwasher and wipe the surfaces etc. I think you need to point out to your DH that him cooking doesn’t really help you if he’s leaving such a mess. And you can’t leave it for him to do at his leisure as you need to use the kitchen.

Original poster
Joulee · 08/03/2024 04:19

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 08/03/2024 03:48

You can’t reheat rice can you? Isn’t chicken a bit risky too? (Don’t eat either).

What’s the process Op? Does he cook this meal from fresh? Chop the broccoli? How does he cook the chicken? Then just leave everything as is?

I fail to understand how he’s making all this mess! You have my sympathies.

He cooked the meal from scratch ie marinated chicken which he shoved in the oven, boiled and sauteed frozen brocoli. He also made dirty rice ie rice with onion and spices thrown in. I kid you not there were 5 cooking utensils, 2 frying pans, one saucepan, 3 knives, a butchers block and a quiche dish filled with onion skins to name a few. The one that got me was a colander AND a sieve drainer thing for 10 florets of broccoli.

I just emptied the dishwasher he loaded up whilst cooking and it was probably 1/7th full.

There are still dishes left.

OP posts:
Luckycloverz · 08/03/2024 04:19

Ah OK sorry it wasn't clear, I thought you meant he was coming home at midnight etc having to cook his own dinner!
Not sure what to suggest other than explain again its getting you down and suggest you both spend just 10mins in the evening clearing up the kitchen - no not ideal but try working together and it won't take long to cleared up.

Oblomov24 · 08/03/2024 04:24

Ok, now it's clearer. The guy is a berk, a twat. Using every utensil, making a mess, not clearing away, not loading the dishwasher properly, only partly full, but instead of washing up the bits, you leave them in the sink.

A pilot you say?
Why do you put up with such a plonker? What excuse does he give when you talk to him about this. Why haven't you put your foot down and say that this is simply not ok? Why are you not standing up for yourself?