That I don't need to pay

Personally i dont feel it's your responsibility to have to pay for these things and I think it's unfair of the therapist to suggest it's your responsibility.
If activities are being done while the children are in the non resident parents care that's for them to pay! It's the least they could do. If they don't have the funds then that's ok too. I think non resident parent expectingvthe money is a bit "grabby"

I would just make it clear that if they raise the issue of you supporting them again, you will make a claim via CMS.

They're taking the piss: only has your mutual child EOW, went on to bring another child into the world with someone else while working part time at a non-high paying job, and has the audacity to demand that you fund these lifestyle choices while you're working your arse off and have your child and related expenses 90% of the time. Plus, you pay for ongoing activities they do while at your ex's house.

Completely out of order.

I was on your side of things until you said you opened a cms claim to gain knowledge of finances. Now I'm on the side of you being controlling. I'd personally give the kids some spending money and leave it at that. I'm surprised the therapist is telling you to give money to the ex because of self esteem, that's person's self esteem is not your responsibility. They probably need the money for other stuff but shouldn't be asking you for it. The fact that you pay for all clothes, school supplies, etc for their kids is more than enough support.

Gosh. I would say do NOT hand over cash at all. But that's me. Obviously you can pay for for them to enjoy an event if you want to.
So liaise with other parent and say would you like to go to...with our children and if it's a yes please, then its in the children's best interests to have a great day with other parent. Or a meal and play at..

However, the " Works store " do amazing crafts and you can create memories by a movie night in and crafts . Really cheaply.

Tell social services or whoever it is to get stuffed and your not handing over hard earned cash but your open to pay entry to places occasionally or give a gift card for the Works store or a tescos voucher for groceries.

This isn't control but your divorced for a reason and that your reluctant to hand over cash.

Surely the other parent can think outside the box as you can do amazing things cost effective. Ie painting and picnics or get a canvas and do some abstract fun which is something they can keep and anyone can do.

If your children are not able to eat adequately, bathe, or have safe shelter for the two nights every fortnight that they’re with their dad, then yes.

you do not seek any support for the 12/14 nights that you have your children, so the suggestion that you should contribute for 2/14 nights sounds odd?

I am curious to know who these professionals are? What kind of message does it send to your children, that they should always have access to luxury, because mum can provide it?

my parents have a smaller house than mine, live in a less affluent area etc, but I don’t take sushi and fancy toys when my children visit the home that I grew up in, for example. They actually really enjoy being indulged by their grandparents in terms of time and attention and easier-little telling off! I know it’s different as you are referencing a parent, but come on…

Op you can get an idea of how much he should be paying if you have a ballpark of his salary - go to the CMS website and play around with the Numbers. Say minimum wage, 35 hours a week, 2 kids (plus the other he lives with, which will bring it down a bit too, sorry), gives a figure of £225 per month. No need to open a case with them.

This is what you are ALREADY subsidising him OP. By not claiming CMS he is already up £225 a month.

@Notcms I think that is very unreasonable of you to be honest. Sounds like you just want to give the NRP a really hard time here, to punish them. You are the higher earner and at the moment you have the higher ground by NOT asking for maintenance.

I think you're better way to make a decision would be to speak to your children first and find out what they think of the living arrangements when they are with NRP? It is only 4 nights a month they are spending with the NRP - so if they are warm, fed and have a bed to sleep in when with the NRP and the NRP doesn't mistreat them then they have what is necessary for those very few nights/days they are with the NRP surely?

They are clearly not very little children, so what age are they? Also, why are you still going to therapy if there has already been a financial settlement agreed by the courts? Or was that an interim agreement? Cafcass usually only get involved until a court has finished deciding what is in the best interests of the children. But you say this cafcass appointed person is still involved? A lot more information would be helpful here. Also what was the reason for the divorce? Was there someone else involved on either side?

Does the NRP know of your plan, OP?

You would be able to work out your ex income from the amount you get.

how long have you been divorced?

It is NRP who is crying poverty — has this been documented or is social worker just accepting his sob story?

Absolutely not - they could work full time in the other 12 days they don’t have the kids

I think the previous use of a food bank might count as evidence of lacking food, warmth, bedding, etc. on the two days a fortnight they are with the NRP.

NRP has gone on to have another child whilst not being able to provide for joint children. CF I'd say. Let the court decide.

You might be right Op is a man. But I don’t think it’s because a woman wouldn’t be guilt tripped by a therapist.

I have been on the receiving end of a therapist who blamed me for emotional and financial abuse I suffered towards the end of my marriage. Told me I caused it. By having a job. Me having a job was a perfectly valid reason for him tracking, following me, kicking off if I was 5 mins late home, locking me the house, demanding to see my bank statements and make me justify and produce receipts for every transaction and so on.

I never cheated. Never even came close. But he had her convinced his abuse wasn’t abuse, it was a reaction to me lying and hiding things that caused him to act the way he did. Except I didn’t lie and didn’t hide anything. Even when being told that, she still tried to tell me that to make the marriage work I had to work harder to meet his needs.

The kids even got to an age where they stopped seeing him because they got fed up of him telling them how awful I was (I never did the same about him) and how I had ruined his life.

This has to be the most ridiculous thing on this thread.

The Op is subsidising the NRP. Because Op has the kids most of the time, pays for their clothes, extras, school things, food, heating etc when they are with them. AND doesn’t claim CMS. The NRP is paying practically nothing towards their children. Apart from some food costs for 4 days out of the month.

You really believe a parent who is shouldering the vast majority of costs for the children, should have to pay the NRP, because that parent has made decisions that have lowered their own standard of living?

what if the NRP decided to give up work? What if the NRP doesn’t have as nice a house for the kids to stay in? Should the resident bare the cost of that as well?

So what if you can’t take it with you? What does that have to do with anything? Who says Op thinks they can take it with them? Of course Op can’t. But what they can do is secure their own children financial future. Secure their own. Enjoy the money they earn while they are here. Eventually, if a very high earner, make sure their grandkids have savings. Leave enough to make a huge difference in their kids and grandkids lives.

it’s not going to war with someone to refuse to further subside them, their new partner and new child. If the NRP really cared about the life they can give the kids, they wouldn’t make decisions that negatively impact their financial situation. Such as having more children. The responsibility to change the situation lays with the NRP. Not the person who is already shouldering 99% of the cost of their children already.

🤣all this.

Two chances that I would be subsidising his life choices.

I actually think it's a really good message to send your children that hard work often means nicer things generally. It's definitely a better message than find a rich partner and make them pay even when we're not together anymore .

That ridiculous. You pay for everything 12 days out of 14. If they didn't have food I'd send them with some but that would be it.

I grew up in a family of six with very little money. My dad worked in a low paid job and my mam was ill so there were times we went without stuff but during school holidays and weekends we always had fun.

They took us to places that were free and we took our own food. We went to the beach, parks and forests, river walks, museums and brought our own picnic. We even camped in the back garden a few times.

Some therapists are absolutely awful. The whole profession needs an overhaul and more regulation. Therapists shouldn’t be telling their clients to hand over their money.

I think you should say to this therapist that perhaps they need to find your ex another therapist who can genuinely help them with their self esteem or whatever it is without demanding money off you, since you pay for everything in your childrens lives and they do not go without. You could also say that perhaps they can gently nudge your ex to an understanding that if they clearly lie about their activities etc, that you don’t know if they work full time or not and they reject things you offer then make demands m that maybe they can be helped to understand you can’t trust them.

therapist sounds shit, and possibly unprofessional too.

Sorry but no way should you send cash, Surely if they can’t afford to look after the children they shouldn’t have had another ? Or can just do free days out, play cards etc.
It’s a joke that they have DC 4 days a month and expect you to pay them!!
why do you need to continue seeing this professional?!… your separated, they’ve remarried, had another child.. that’s it..

no way. If they can't afford to do the nice things they believe their kids need to experience then why did they have another kid?

NRP is an absolute pisstaker.

Not contributing to the cost of raising her children or doing 90% of the care but expecting you to give her cash in hand to take them swimming once or twice a month! It’s absolutely disgraceful she had another child without making sure she could provide for and parent the ones she already had.

I assume there are MH issues with one or both of the DC and that is why a therapist is involved? If the child is happy with the therapist and if changing therapist would negatively affect them, I suggest you have no further joint sessions with your ex. Keep separate sessions and at your next one, tell the therapist very clearly that you will not tolerate them encouraging your ex to use you as an ATM and will enter into no further discussion about it.

You owe her nothing but she owes you a lot!

You’ve got to be a man as can’t imagine a woman being guilt tripped like this by a therapist!

I bet you’re paying for this therapist too!

I do pay for these things (theatre, soft play, theme park, swimming) etc when NRP has my son because they plead poverty and I want my son to have these activities and it also gives me a break of going.

Yes, it's not ideal but if you have the money it would be a nice gesture for your children if you could book some activities for the NRP to take them on.