Is my son's behaviour wrong??

There was, whether you see it or not.

Switching off a game can be very hard for an ADHD sufferers.

Getting distracted from getting ready and out of the door can be incredibly hard for an ADHD sufferer.

These are reasons why it is a disability.

He HAD managed to book time off work, got home, and wanted to go out with them. But didn't manage to switch the game off. If he didn't want to spend time with them it would have been easier to not come home or book time off work.

He has reacted with frustration because he has been unable to do the thing.

ADHD wouldn't be a diagnosable disability if it didn't cause inability to do normal things that impact the sufferer and those around them.

It isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, and he will need to find ways to manage if he is to have good relationships in his life.

Of course you’re not in the wrong. As if he was going to come at 10.40, and why didn’t he come before? He never intended to come

And yet he manages to put down his games console to meet up with his friends.
He’s behaving like many 20 year olds - selfish, thoughtless and unkind.

If he (or you) are using ADHD as an excuse, then my question would be does he turn up for other activities? Does he manage to work? Does he meet friends? If he arranges a date with a pretty woman does he show up? If yes, then it's clear that he just isn't prioritising dad and couldn't care less.

In fact, while ADHD means time management is an extra challenge (but possible with strategies in place), nothing in the diagnosis excuses your son for getting angry and blaming others.

Just consider all the threads from women describing similar behaviour from boyfriends/husbands. Would any of us say oh well, if he's got ADHD then it's perfectly fine if he screams at you??

You’re right - having an ADHD diagnosis is not an excuse for dickish behaviour.

ASD is no more excuse for dickish behaviour than ADHD. You don't speak for all

I know it's not, that's why I said he's a dickhead.

I would tell him that you are never going to wait for him again. That he must surely know how you and your DH feel about being less important than his stupid bloody computer game. He should be informed that you will no longer be remotely grateful when he “graciously” announces that he is going to take time off and donate his “extremely valuable time” to his father because you will simply not believe him.

What are you confused about? Your DS has been rude, entitled and inconsiderate. When he tries to make arrangements again, just tell him you’re busy! Does he rely on you for money at all?

They're wasn't really any executive function for him to have to work out here. The rest of the family were ready to go. The only function needed from him was to switch off his game.

If he'd had to plan and organise the evening, then his ADHD could be blamed. But he didn't. No excuse.

ASD is no more excuse for dickish behaviour than ADHD. You don't speak for all neurodivergent people. You can have ASD and still be ignorant.

OP has asked for advice about her son who has a diagnosed Neurodevelopmental condition, if it was straightforward she wouldn't be on here asking.

I have diagnosed ASD and I called him a dickhead.

For those calling OPs son nasty names, do you realise how childish you sound?

OP has asked for advice about her son who has a diagnosed Neurodevelopmental condition, if it was straightforward she wouldn't be on here asking.

It's a disability that can cause behavioural problems that are not palatable, and won't be cured by name calling.

That is so very wrong.

Your son is a selfish arsehole. ADHD does not excuse this sort of behaviour.

It's not an excuse, and he will need to take responsibility for managing these situations, but I do think it sounds like he wants to visit with you all, and go to the pub with his dad, but struggles to move from one activity to another - computer games are notoriously difficult to stop playing. Time blindness and procrastination are very classic ADHD struggles.

Additionally, ADHD sufferers can be around 30% less mature than their peers, and it takes until approx 25 before anyone's brain finishes developing.

Everyone will tell you how awful he is, and to punish him, but my understanding is that what you have described very much fits an ADHD diagnosis. He's not a dick, or vile, or spoilt.

One of the hardest things I've found about parenting two ADHDers is how hurtful their behaviours can be. But loving them and trying to understand them pays dividends for me and for them in terms of better relationships.

It's not being soft, it takes a lot of mental gymnastics to support some aspects of neurodivergence.

I hope you all get that lovely time together one day soon xxx

Is he medicated for the ADHD?

Is he struggling with his Dad’s illness/disability?

This.

He knowingly has caused your husband extra pain for nothing.

thanks maybe we need to be more understanding of this?

No, he's a selfish dickhead and needs less pandering not more.

Stop arranging things with him

This does sound very much like it could be an ADHD thing - executive function difficulties and procrastination are challenges for ADHD sufferers. It sounds like he is frustrated with himself.

It must feel very hurtful, and enormously frustrating, to you all.

Rather than an argument, could you wait until you're all feeling less raw and then have a conversation with him about ways of him managing arrangements like this? There is a YouTube channel called How to ADHD that is very good, and also Additude Magazine might be a useful resource for all of you. Taking the time to support your son might pay dividends in both his relationships with you, and with other people throughout his life.

Do nice*

I would stop picking him up and bringing him to your house. So nice things with your husband with your daughter only. Your son is the only one missing out.

I wouldn't pander to any of this. If he knows the time of your plans then stick to it and go without him.