Is my son's behaviour wrong??

I didn't say you said that, that's why I had a question mark at the end. If your answer is yes, then I would argue that that is insulting to people with ADHD (better?). If your answer is no, then I go back to the fact that the son's gaslighting behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD and is actually just a sign of selfishness.
Edited to add: that applies to my view of your DP as well. I just have a short snapshot from what you said, but you wrote he reacts defensively and don't mention him ever apologising.

Um, the poster was referring to my DP. Are you?

Does having ADHD mean that you are incapable of offering a sincere apology?

I would really love it @Duckduckgoes if you could point out where I said that? Also 'adhd people' - seriously?

Also I find the catch all term of 'unattractive' for what is human, albeit negative, behaviour very strange.

Are you associating the word 'unattractive' only with the way people look?
OP's son's behaviour is rude and inconsiderate and that kind of behaviour repels people. To attract people he'd need to be considerate and thoughtful and a pleasure to be with. The use of the word 'unattractive' is absolutely correct in this context and more polite than calling him an oaf or selfish. It's actually quite restrained.

Humans have evolved to find certain behaviours attractive and other repellant for good reasons. The way people behave is often a useful indicator of what they are like.

Are you arguing that all human behaviour is acceptable because we're human? What about murder, rape, prejudice, violence, expressions of hatred? Would you baulk if those behaviours were described as unattractive? If so, I would love to know why.

Both. ADHD does not prevent a person from feeling sad they have hurt someone or let them down. He is quite upfront that he is inconsiderate—like making you wait when you are doing him a favor. ADHD snd time blindness doesn’t explain or excuse that.

You probably need to try and be as calm as possible if he gets defensive and angry. Eg. "we agreed to meet for coffee at 11. Sorry you couldn't make it. We'll let you know when we're next planning it,". No point getting into an argument if you can avoid it.

Does having ADHD mean that you are incapable of offering a sincere apology? Op's son was thoughtless and unkind, and has yet to show any sign of acknowledging he was at fault. That is not a symptom of ADHD and frankly is insulting to all the adhd people who somehow, magically, manage to say sorry occasionally and generally be decent human beings.

I used the term unattractive because to me it is. I would never be able to date someone who refuses to ever admit fault even days after the fact. Clearly the PP feels otherwise and is prepared to put up with it from her DH .

My daughter is 20 and has ADHD, and she sometimes behaves in a similar way.
She has time blindness, so we'll all be waiting for her and she doesn't understand when it's then too late to do the thing she wanted to do.
It really upsets and frustrates her - she doesn't want to be like that.

However, she is having to learn not to lash out at everyone else for her shortcomings, which I'd suggest is the biggest issue with your DS, OP.
if you accept that his ADHD may be the reason he messed up your arrangement, that's one thung, but I definitely wouldn't accept his reaction to you calling him out on it, and him trying to suggest that he's the wronged party.
As has been said, ADHD might be the reason but it's not an excuse for rude, disrespectful behaviour.

Altho I totally agree with you that you're in the right here....absolutely pointless in him joining you gor the last half hour etc.....what I do think also is he's young and probably didn't really want to donit in the first place but felt like he had to. He's much rather play the ps or see friends which at his age is completely normal. My parents wouldn't have got 5min of my time at the age. Maybe just not ask him again and crack on with your lives with your daughter until he eventually matures to the point he actually wants to spend time with you all

1% have voted YABU… why?!

Excellent post!

Oh, I feel so sorry for you, OP, and especially for his Dad.

My first thought was that your son is a twat.

However, thinking some more, I think he might have low self-esteem if he is letting everyone down frequently. It would explain why he became so defensive and blamed all of you instead of himself for his awful behaviour. He knows what he is doing, but if he feels he can't help himself, he probably feels terrible but can't admit that to himself.

I wonder if he is getting any outside support for his ADHD? Maybe therapy or something to help rebuild his self-esteem? And strategies for coping.

None of this means the way he has treated you is ok. Just trying to find a way through it.

By the way, I disagree with the poster who said that you matter more than him. You are all equally important.

And to those who are saying that he manages to hold down a job and meet up with his friends, you would be surprised at how long someone can keep a job and keep friends when you are frequently late, so it's not necessarily the case that he is on time for work and for friend meet-ups. Maybe he is on time for those though, I don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to give another perspective. Hope it's helpful and I wish you the best of luck, OP x

Very wrong.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc

Of course he wasn’t just about to leave; he’s deflecting. He couldn’t have seen his friends cos he was on his computer all evening. He sounds like an overgrown teenager- totally flaky. I doubt I’d take him at his word again!

Your son is a selfish cunt.

ADHD does not make him into a rude entitled arsehole who blames his family and has no care for them. It does not stop people being loving towards their close ones. I’d never tolerate behaviour like that-please don’t try to placate him-look after your own health and well being instead of making it worse by sucking up to your son. You have enough to cope with with an ill dh-lay down some ground rules for your son and don’t try to please him all the time. Don’t accept it when he whines about how awful you are. So sad to read this.

I hope your DH improves, just stick to plans with your DH and DD and give your DS the option but don’t wait about for him.

he just doesn’t see you as a priority and thinks he can get away with dicking you guys about.

Stand firm, his behaviour is not ok. He either needs to make more effort or you all stop waiting around for him. Have a limit for how long you’ll wait then leave.

Only read OPs posts so I'm sure someone else will have mentioned this.

@Busybee44 look up DARVO as it will explain why you feel so unsettled and gaslit. Unfortunately it is something abusive men usually do to their partners. Please also look up emotional/mental abuse signs as I suspect he's also doing that to either you or his father.

Personally if he keeps doing this I wouldn't let him come home anymore, you need to protect yourself, his disabled father and your daughter. You all matter more.

If you pop out just a breezy 'going to call for a coffee if you want to join? Setting off in 10' then go! If he is used to keeping you hanging on for him then this might be a little jolt he needs.

Absolutely. Stop running around after him. He can come or not, up to him, but don't mollycoddle him.

This.