I avoid anything that is even remotely unpleasant or requires an effort. At work, in my marriage, looking after my health, social stuff, life admin, etc. I procrastinate every day for hours and only do the bare minimum. I don't think I'm particularly lazy. I can work hard if it's easy or doesn't involve any negative emotions. And I work my socks off or force myself to get out of my comfort zone if it directly concerns my kids. I think, it's more of an anxiety / can't cope with even the slightest of unpleasantness thing. E.g. I haven't told my manager about all the leave I need to take because I'm worried it will make me look bad but then of course booking it last minute is even worse. I don't follow up stuff at work if it involves talking to anyone because I worry they'll realise I'm an imposter. I promise my husband to talk about problems in our marriage but then postpone it for years. I don't call family members because they are unwell and it's unpleasant talking to them. Maybe I'm just a selfish shit. Somewhere I definitely am. Too selfish to make an effort.
I have adhd. I don't take my medication regularly because I hate how they make me feel but they do help ever so slightly with this. But not at a lot.
I don't like being like this. I'm in my forties and I feel I'm not just wasting my life but also continuously letting other people down. Massively. I know i just need to accept that some times I Will be anxious and do stuff anyway but I'm just not able to push myself.
I know I'm being unreasonable and I know this is no way to live. Dh had found a good holiday deal but because I kept procrastinating to ask for work we have now missed out on it. I don't know how much longer I can coast at work or deal with the feelings of guilt. and I say I can do stuff when it concerns the kids directly but obviously indirectly they would hugely benefit if I was just better at living. At being an adult.
I need advice, or a pep talk. Or a kick in the backside. I need something. This isn't a way to live.