Stepdaughters relentless sleepovers

Oreoqueen87 · 2024-03-03T06:42:55+00:00

We’ve recently moved into a new house and DSD (16) has a great set up - effectively a downstairs with bedroom to herself with a bathroom and access to a pool.. All other living is upstairs. She lives with us full time. My AIBU is that we’ve been here a month and she’s probably had friends around 20 of the thirty nights (at least). Not just one friend, but usually 3, and as many as six. They don’t always stay over, but frequently stay until 9/10pm. They aren’t lots of bother in general, but can be noisy and come up to use the kitchen etc. On the weekends I don’t care. But this is weeknights too. My biggest issue is trying to create a quiet routine for DS (5). He is a poor sleeper, and tends towards some big meltdowns when unsettled or overtired. He’s very hard to settle in his room so I often read him to sleep in the lounge. , He generally fights going to bed/sleep. He has melatonin but we try use it sparingly. Potential for ADHD as I have it. He loves seeing DSD’s friends and they are really sweet with him. But he also knows they are here, we can hear them and they come upstairs, so it disrupts him. I also just want the house to ourselves more without being responsible for other people’s teens. To avoid drip feed, house jointly owned, I paid deposit, DH has a house that we will be transferring into both names. This is a formality - we don’t live in the UK and I am legally entitled to half as we’ve been together eight years. DH thinks I am being unreasonable. I get that he is glad she’s here where he can keep an eye on her most of the time, but I think it’s too much. AIBU?

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2024 08:19

We’ve finally got a better set up (his old room was tiny) and I’m waiting on delivery for a wee couch for us to snuggle on. Going to be a serious challenge getting him in there but worth a crack

How small is his bed that you can’t sit there and read him a story to go to bed, but need a couch? I’ve had/got SN kids with all the letters, and I know they are all different, but this seems taking the piss somewhat.

Get your daughter to cut down on visitors. Get your son to go to bed in his bedroom.

KarmaCaramello · 04/03/2024 08:12

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/03/2024 20:17

You don't and if this was ops own child who she was advocating basically setting up in an annexe to live independently so she could live with her 'new family' she'd be bloody roasted, but because she's step you've got posters shouting, "16? She should have her own home/job/life!"

Show quote history

Totally agree with this.

Also - she’s generally a good kid but has been over indulged and tends to take things for granted (more so than the average teen even!) This is such a typical stepparent attitude and it's the reason why stepparents can be so detrimental to kids growing up.

Rewis · 04/03/2024 08:11

Can you talk with her and is she understanding? Is it really necessary to have strict rules in place or can you have an open discussion on the needs of her brother and she can adjust accordingly without giving strict limits?

Zyq · 04/03/2024 08:00

Is she doing GCSEs this year? If so this really needs to stop so that she can get into a revision routine.

SauronsArsehole · 04/03/2024 07:49

Fortnightly sleepovers. Guaranteeing you’ll have family only sat/Sunday mornings too. You need weekends without random people in your kitchen in the morning!

Friends can visit each weekend but leave at a reasonable time 10-11pm

no sleepovers during the week.

minimum of 3 nights a week no friends over so you can have family evenings/family dinners.

tiredmama23 · 04/03/2024 06:35

*no way, that should read

tiredmama23 · 04/03/2024 06:34

OP, I've got a 17 year old DD and there's no I'd allow this frequency to friends over and til so late! You've been more than accommodating here. Definitely put boundaries in place and time limits for friends to leave, particularly on a weeknight (and tbh even on a weekend, you can't just have other people's kids there til stupid o clock every evening when you're trying to relax, would drive me insane with my own daughter too!)

MaloneMeadow · 04/03/2024 05:59

Definitely limit guests to Friday/Saturday nights only during term time, not unreasonable at all and I’d say most teen parents would say the same thing. Do SD and her friends not have homework or hobbies etc to be getting on with on week nights?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2024 05:54

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/03/2024 05:22

I’m keenly aware of additional needs as I’m neurodivergent

I think this is highly relevent. How much of this behaviour is problematic for you, not because it is problematic in and off itself but because it does not align with your expectations ?

I am an introvert, more an extroverted introvert, because I like having company around but need a lot of time alone to recharge my batteries. My dd is almost 16 and many of her friends already are. I wouldn’t like a bunch of teens invading my space every evening either, especially if they just ignored me (which sounds like is happening here) and even more so if I had a younger child, who was easily awoken. My expectations would be totally aligned with op.

As for being at a friend’s house every night during school time, I definitely wasn’t til all hours and went home for dinner unless prearranged. We simply didn’t invite our friends to eat round with no invitation. It wasn’t the done thing. Food was expensive and it would have been rude to just expect.

I’ve always had an open house with dd’s friends but she asks if someone can stay over and I’ve generally offered friends food when at ours and they’ve had to check with parents if it’s ok to stay for dinner. But apart from one child, who just expected to be fed and lacked manners, dd’s friends are polite, engage with me and thank me for the food I make them.

You must spend a fortune on food op and be forever shopping. I would absolutely be reevaluating how this situation happened and putting boundaries in place.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/03/2024 05:22

I’m keenly aware of additional needs as I’m neurodivergent

I think this is highly relevent. How much of this behaviour is problematic for you, not because it is problematic in and off itself but because it does not align with your expectations ?

Original poster

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 21:26

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/03/2024 20:17

You don't and if this was ops own child who she was advocating basically setting up in an annexe to live independently so she could live with her 'new family' she'd be bloody roasted, but because she's step you've got posters shouting, "16? She should have her own home/job/life!"

Show quote history

Eh? Where do you get that I’ve banished DSD to an annexe to live independently? There is an additional full sized bedroom upstairs with us which she could have and we discussed with her - strangely enough she was keener on having her own ensuite, sitting area and private courtyard (and no we aren’t rich, we live in a cheaper place). She literally rolled her eyes and said ‘why would I keep sharing a bathroom when I don’t have to?’ She also house hunted with us and constantly advocated for a more separate space. Which I understand, I wanted privacy too at her age.

It cost us significantly more to get this set up. If I thought that it was not benefiting DSD in any way I’d gladly have bought a smaller house and enjoyed the extra money instead. We did it for her, not us.

You think we are trying to force her into independence and the poster below thinks we don’t give her enough. When in reality we are trying to provide her with a comfortable set up without completely martyring ourselves to the situation

OP posts:

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/03/2024 20:37

I never mentioned whether she was NT or not... you bringing that up feels like projecting

What is she going to do in 2 years when she's an adult? Expect you to still do everything because you've forbidden her from doing these things?

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2024 20:34

I think yo7 need to get your Dh on board with your comfort and settling ds. Having her mates over every day is unusual, I’d say. They all have school, so use that as a starter, maybe? Mates only at weekends and not every weekend at that.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/03/2024 20:17

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/03/2024 19:57

You don't get evenings just the 2 of you if you live with a 16yo.

Show quote history

You don't and if this was ops own child who she was advocating basically setting up in an annexe to live independently so she could live with her 'new family' she'd be bloody roasted, but because she's step you've got posters shouting, "16? She should have her own home/job/life!"

3WildOnes · 03/03/2024 20:16

alittleprivacy · 03/03/2024 14:27

But it's completely normal for teens to be in each other's houses every night. I was always in my friends houses or they in mine when we were teens. Pretty much every single night.

Show quote history

This was my experience too. I seldom spent an evening at home with my parents when i was a teen. Most evening i was at friends houses or they were at mine.

Original poster

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 20:10

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/03/2024 19:44

Make sure your disparaging attitude towards DSD doesn't come through in any conversation! At 16 she's not far off potentially living on her own at uni but you don't trust her with a kettle and microwave/air fryer???!

It's fine to set limits on times and days, it's a good idea in fact. But having them in a location where they are safe if they do drink etc (which is fine BTW, it's better even than making it mysterious and forbidden so they do it in secret and binge) is also a good one so they have help they can trust there if there is a problem

As others have said, you need to work on DS sleep routine. His sleep routine shouldn't mean family members can't use communal areas (DSD might not want to use the lounge but if she wants the kitchen then she's still going to be a disturbance)

Unfortunately I don’t. She is a great kid but just isn’t very practical/competent. I have been teaching her to cook and she’s made some good inroads but doesn’t bother with things that don’t engage her. She regularly leaves our fridge door open for example, and has totally defrosted the freezer more than once, most recently about 4 months ago. She had a mini fridge in her room it’s our old house - it started leaking and she didn’t say/do anything about it for several days, at which point it had soaked into the underlay and the carpet had to be replaced. There is no way I’m letting her loose with flames - we all sleep upstairs and it’s far too risky with her current skill levels.

I’m keenly aware of additional needs as I’m neurodivergent- she’s been assessed twice privately which I paid for - she is NT.

I don’t think I’m disparaging. If anything I’m over accommodating as I know how hard it is to be asked to perform in a way that you just can’t. But she just doesn’t take responsibility, so therefore we can’t allow her to do those things.

OP posts:

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/03/2024 19:57

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 18:48

Ah got it, it’s the friends that stay that late. Our lounge is very open plan and they come up and down until 10pm or so which is part of the problem- it’s part of the very little time DH and I have to ourselves and I don’t want to have to have teenagers traipsing up here to look in the fridge every night!

Show quote history

You don't get evenings just the 2 of you if you live with a 16yo.

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2024 19:51

alittleprivacy · 03/03/2024 14:27

But it's completely normal for teens to be in each other's houses every night. I was always in my friends houses or they in mine when we were teens. Pretty much every single night.

Show quote history

It was not normal when I was a teen. It would be assumed something was wrong or some type of arrangement going on if a teen was at their friends’ every night.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/03/2024 19:48

What do they come up for? Can she have a mini fridge or kettle etc in her room?

I’s be inclined to come up with some rules eg friends round no more than four evenings a week, nobody upstairs after 7:30pm (or whenever you are doing your DS’s bedtime) etc.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/03/2024 19:44

Make sure your disparaging attitude towards DSD doesn't come through in any conversation! At 16 she's not far off potentially living on her own at uni but you don't trust her with a kettle and microwave/air fryer???!

It's fine to set limits on times and days, it's a good idea in fact. But having them in a location where they are safe if they do drink etc (which is fine BTW, it's better even than making it mysterious and forbidden so they do it in secret and binge) is also a good one so they have help they can trust there if there is a problem

As others have said, you need to work on DS sleep routine. His sleep routine shouldn't mean family members can't use communal areas (DSD might not want to use the lounge but if she wants the kitchen then she's still going to be a disturbance)

Original poster

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 18:48

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/03/2024 14:33

Apologies then, think I'd got that from you saying they were there till 9/10pm and you were trying to settle him in the lounge, so read this as you were still settling him at this time.

Ah got it, it’s the friends that stay that late. Our lounge is very open plan and they come up and down until 10pm or so which is part of the problem- it’s part of the very little time DH and I have to ourselves and I don’t want to have to have teenagers traipsing up here to look in the fridge every night!

OP posts:

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/03/2024 14:33

Apologies then, think I'd got that from you saying they were there till 9/10pm and you were trying to settle him in the lounge, so read this as you were still settling him at this time.

alittleprivacy · 03/03/2024 14:27

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 07:48

Do you mean every night? I really do not want people here every night, it’s not a hotel!

Show quote history

But it's completely normal for teens to be in each other's houses every night. I was always in my friends houses or they in mine when we were teens. Pretty much every single night.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2024 14:14

Connecting with your dsd is important but you’re only going to be able to do it on her terms so I honestly wouldn’t worry about her not wanting to come in the living room. My dd is only downstairs to eat. Make mealtimes a time to chat if you can but I appreciate you have a much younger child in the mix so talking will probably centre around him, which is natural. Or have her eat later with you both once your ds is in bed.

If you are able, I would suggest you make time 121 with your dsd doing something together ditto her dad. She needs female guidance by the sound of it. You could take her on a shopping trip or to a spa if that appeals etc. As my dd is an only, she gets plenty of time with just me or just dh. We mostly chat with her when driving her round to her activities. It’s about making the most of opportunities presented.

Original poster

Oreoqueen87 · 03/03/2024 14:04

Thanks everyone. Some really great points, particularly around alcohol/weed and the pool.

@Nanny0gg you’ve nailed it when you said this isn’t a flat share. That is exactly how she treats the situation, albeit it’s a flat share where you don’t have to pay or cook!

@Mummyoflittledragon your approach sounds very sensible.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose - where did you get that we are settling her little brother until 10pm? He’s in bed at a fairly standard time, it’s the battle it takes. He previously settled in his room (after hours of battling) at a previous house and DSD still didn’t come into the lounge. DSD just isn’t interested unless there is something going on that she wants to engage with (very seldom).

OP posts: