Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's wrong here?

40 replies

Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 04:28

So I have a sister who's five years younger than me. I have married have kids and live in same village I grew up in. She moved to the opposite end of the country ten years ago, she is not married and has no children. We are not that close although I see her when she visits.

We have an uncle who neither of met growing up as he was estranged from the family. He became ill in later life and our mum reached out and took on the role of supporting him as he has no family of his own. Mum then got seriously ill herself and was unable to help him. For a couple of years I visited him 2-3 times a week did his food shop, managed carers, got him anything he needed (paid out of his money) and arranged hospital appointments. I also supported him during end of life and cleared his flat out. This was whilst I had a young baby with significant health needs and I was also supporting my parents too with my mums ill health. I gave up work when dd was 18m to do all of this.

After he died there was a small sum of money left to mum (about 13k. ) At some point near to him dying she mentioned she intended to give it to me as I deserved it for caring for him. I said it was up to her it would be her money.

She later said (after uncles death) she would give me 10k and sister 3k . I was surprised as sister had only met uncle once as an adult and had no relationship with him. I said to mum 'but dsis didn't know him? ' But I then immediately checked myself and ended the conversation saying it was lovely of mum to think of dsis too. As ultimately it's mums money to do with as she wants and just because she had said it would be mine doesn't mean I was entitled to it.

So she gave me 10k and dsis 3k. I felt like this was fair as I had supported uncle for several years and had developed a close relationship with him. But I also thought it was nice for dsis to be acknowledged too.

Dsis is angry as she feels the money should be split equally. As it's now mums money not uncles. I don't intend to share it as I have a child who will most likely need lifelong support so I'm trying to save for his future.

But out of curiosity Who's right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 07:54

youveturnedupwelldone · 01/03/2024 07:37

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. It's your mum's money now so she can do what she wants .

You perceive it as unfair as you see is as being attached to your uncle and you did more for him than your sister, and also it seems from what you posted that you see it as compensation for what you did for him.

Your sister sees it as unfair as it's a sum of money being split unfairly between siblings, she does not associate it with your uncle.

I can see both sides although I don't like the notion of it being compensation if I'm honest. But at this point I just feel sorry for your mum because she did what she thought was fair, perhaps she would have been better off keeping the money and avoiding the squabbling.

I'm not squabbling although arguably I am in the better position. I've not spoken to mum about it at all. Dsis told her she was annoyed at the time but I don't think she's spoken to mum about it since. She does keep bringing it up with me tho.

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2024 07:52

I think the split was fair under the circumstances. The big mistake was divulging how much money there was in the first place. If I was your mother I’d have given the money to the other daughter saying that this was her share of what she wanted to give and not mention how much was left.

Original poster
Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 07:47

@Picklestop it was a first response and i was surprised as previously (only a month or so before) she had said she was giving it to me. But I agree and I corrected it and reassured her it was the right thing to do. She's wonderful and I would not want her to feel bad.

OP posts:
puzzledout · 01/03/2024 07:47

Your sister is being unreasonable, she's acknowledged it's mums money, which it is then arguing that she can't do what she wants with it.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 01/03/2024 07:42

In fairness your uncle should have given you some money directly. This would have avoided this.
Nobody is right or wrong.
I do think 10:3 is a fair split for what it’s worth.

youveturnedupwelldone · 01/03/2024 07:37

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. It's your mum's money now so she can do what she wants .

You perceive it as unfair as you see is as being attached to your uncle and you did more for him than your sister, and also it seems from what you posted that you see it as compensation for what you did for him.

Your sister sees it as unfair as it's a sum of money being split unfairly between siblings, she does not associate it with your uncle.

I can see both sides although I don't like the notion of it being compensation if I'm honest. But at this point I just feel sorry for your mum because she did what she thought was fair, perhaps she would have been better off keeping the money and avoiding the squabbling.

Picklestop · 01/03/2024 07:31

Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 04:47

He definitely wanted my mum to have it as he really appreciated everything she did for him going against rest of family to support him.

Show quote history

So then it was your mums and she was free to do as she pleases. I think you were a bit out of order to question why she would want to give something to her other child.

Original poster
Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 04:47

OfficerChurlish · 01/03/2024 04:38

Your mum is right. She would have been right no matter what she did with the money (unless perhaps she knew that your uncle intended to split it up in some other way and didn't have a chance to do so before he died, but it doesn't sound like that's the case).

He definitely wanted my mum to have it as he really appreciated everything she did for him going against rest of family to support him.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 01/03/2024 04:43

Well it's fair that you have the most but, more importantly, it is your mum's money now and it's her decision what she does with it, so you are right. I expect you uncle would have been happy for you to get the bulk of it. Wonder if your sister would be so keen to split it if she had been given the larger amount?

OfficerChurlish · 01/03/2024 04:38

Your mum is right. She would have been right no matter what she did with the money (unless perhaps she knew that your uncle intended to split it up in some other way and didn't have a chance to do so before he died, but it doesn't sound like that's the case).

VisitationRights · 01/03/2024 04:35

Your mum is, her choice as the money went to her.

Toblerbone · 01/03/2024 04:35

I think 10k / 3k was a good fair split of the money, recognising your contribution but remembering your sister too.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 01/03/2024 04:34

You are in the right. You looked after him for years while your sister didn’t help at all. And even if you hadn’t, your mum can give money to whoever she wants and she doesn’t have to justify it to your sister.

Teasie123 · 01/03/2024 04:32

@Autienotnaughtie , oh my! U are most definitely right. U looked after him when he needed love and care. U are a good person and, even though u didn't do it for the money, I'm sure it's what Ur uncle would have wanted too.🤗🤗🤗

Alwaystransforming · 01/03/2024 04:32

No one is right and no one is wrong.

It's all opinions and points of view.