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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD sudden break up

39 replies

pinotgeo · 01/03/2024 01:33

I'll admit I'm shamelessly posting for traffic but I'm concerned!

DD is 23, she's been in a relationship for 2 years, with a man from Australia. They were living and working abroad for the last 12 months. They've been back in the UK not two weeks, in an air b and b until they find a flat, she started her new job on Monday (same company different location) he was on a job hunt.
Last night out of nowhere he told her he had booked a flight to Australia, he wouldn't be coming back and he didn't want her to go with him. They spent the night together. She pleaded for him not to go but he left around 7am, feeling a little lost, on no sleep she just went to work, didn't want to make a bad impression on her colleagues in her first week.
She's stayed in London tonight as she has to work tomorrow but she is distraught isn't sleeping. He has left her unblocked but has asked her not to contact him, he's told her it's not her he just doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to live in the UK.
I've booked her a train ticket for tomorrow after work, so she can come home for the weekend. She has been on the phone all night crying and I fear the next few weeks are going to be so difficult. She does have friends in London but hasn't seen them in a while! I have no idea how to help her, her last break up, was her breaking up with him and she was emotional but not like this. She is confused as just days earlier they were looking at flats and planing a future together.

AIBU to feel lost on how to help DD and be seeking any advice? She's our only child and I've only ever been with DH so no first hand experience!

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/03/2024 07:34

I don't think it does any harm in the very early stages to think the person might come running back if that's what it takes to get through the day. I wouldn't necessarily encourage it, but nor would i argue with her and 'make her face facts' either. Not a few days in. The initial pain can be quite excruciating and sometimes (short term) false hope is better than debilitating hopelessness. Obviously if the hope of reconciliation becomes a barrier to moving on, its a problem, but typically a natural pattern of grief/anger/recovery will happen regardless; and pp mum is quite right in that she will no doubt reach a point where she no longer wants him back anyway, whatever has sustained her in the early days.

Hiddenvoice · 01/03/2024 07:31

All you can do is listen to her, be her shoulder to cry on
and support her.
She needs time to grieve the relationship she had and the future she thought she was going to have with him.
Soon she will realise that it’s for the best, she has a fresh, clean start and isn’t tied into a flat with him.

This is brand new to both of you. It’s going to take her a little bit of time so allow her to wallow for a bit and then encourage her to meet up with friends again and have some fun. She’s so young and has the world ahead of her. Heartbreak is awful but sometimes it really makes you the person you need to be and can change your life for the better- it’s just hard to see it that way in the beginning.

I wouldn’t encourage her to talk to him, he’s asked for space so she needs to respect it. I also wouldn’t suggest he will come back or regret it as we don’t know if he will and you don’t wan to give her false hope.

Aprilx · 01/03/2024 07:24

She’s going through a break up, as most people do at sometime. And there is nothing that you can do or say that will help. Only the passage of time is going to help her. Until then encourage her to keep busy, make plans, see her family and friends.

Please don’t tell her he will come running back as one poster has said. They generally don’t and it certainly sounds like he won’t.

Teasie123 · 01/03/2024 07:19

@STARCATCHER22 🙄🙄🙄

STARCATCHER22 · 01/03/2024 07:17

Teasie123 · 01/03/2024 07:13

Stop. I most certainly did not mean that she should want him to come back. What I meant was that if he does, and he could well do, that she ll be strong enough in herself to make a decision. I was trying to make her feel better.🙄🙄🙄

Show quote history

I’ve got to be honest, I’m with aband on this. Telling her men come running back is not going to help. It’s only going to make her feel better because she is going to believe that he will come.

“What’s good for you won’t pass you by” is a much better piece of advice at this point.

OP I would also be wary of the fact that you and her dad have been together I assume since you were very young. This is very common in my family and it’s put a lot of pressure on the girls in my generation (unintentionally I might add!) because we grew up thinking that you marry the first boyfriend you have/you meet your husband age 19.

CoatesCat · 01/03/2024 07:17

Its probably the best timing. At her age she will make friends at her new job anf can look for a house share with people her age. Better now than after theyd signed a year long lease. Londons a great distraction

RedHelenB · 01/03/2024 07:15

I don't see what he's done wrong. Better to end things sooner than later if you no longer love someone.

Teasie123 · 01/03/2024 07:13

aband · 01/03/2024 07:07

@Teasie123

But they don't always come running back. In fact most (not all) men only go when they have found something they perceive as better.

It's bad advice as this will stop her from being able to move on.

Stop. I most certainly did not mean that she should want him to come back. What I meant was that if he does, and he could well do, that she ll be strong enough in herself to make a decision. I was trying to make her feel better.🙄🙄🙄

Alwaystransforming · 01/03/2024 07:12

Its best he has gone now rather than when they had set up a life here. I know someone who did similar after he had 2 kids.

There isn't much you can do, other than what you are doing. Bring her home, sound time with her. Comfort her. At some point practicalities need looking at. Like can she afford somewhere on her own, what her next steps are etc. But for now, just follow her lead and be there for her.

aband · 01/03/2024 07:07

@Teasie123

But they don't always come running back. In fact most (not all) men only go when they have found something they perceive as better.

It's bad advice as this will stop her from being able to move on.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 01/03/2024 07:00

She has had a lucky escape and actually its good that he has done this now and not waited until they were tied down in a shared flat lease etc. it happens and it hurts bit she will get over it. Ultimately he is not the one for her and as my daddy always said “if its Right for you it wont pass you by”

Toblerbone · 01/03/2024 03:19

Neither you nor her have ever been dumped before, but it does happen to most of us at some point! I remember feeling heartbroken when my boyfriend finished with me at the same age. Just be there for her OP, with sympathy and chocolate and a listening ear. Encourage her to re connect with her friends. She'll be fine in a few weeks.

CottonCandyLand · 01/03/2024 03:13

Just be a kind and listening ear. Don’t slag him off, just be supportive.
IMO he had stuff going on that he didn’t tell her about. She may well have dodged a bullet.
And he’s a shit

Teasie123 · 01/03/2024 02:13

@pinotgeo awe! God luv her! And God l luv you, it's awful watching them when they're hearts are broke like that! All I can do is listen to her, give her lots of love tell her he's a pig! My mammy always said men come running back ,only thing is, she won't want him by then. 🤗🤗🤗