DD sudden break up

Like I said. Speaking from experience this isn’t always the case. It’s an option the OP doesn’t have to use.

@Kellogg1 it creates a false hope and can prolong the heartbreak when said person doesn't come back so yes, stupid statement

Your daughter is heart broken now, but if he didn't love her anymore, he's done the right thing. He has spoken clearly and left the relationship before it deteriorated further. He didn't cheat or lie. He made sure she was "home" and then left. Your daughter is hurt now but she'll get over it.

Your Mammy,s wrong I have been dumped. at several.times when younger they never came running,back
She will.get over it just be there for her reassure its not her fault ,feelings. Can change .

He told her at 10pm and left not 12 hours later. No closure, no real reason why

Thats not right, as your initial telling stated:
he's told her it's not her he just doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to live in the UK

He didn’t just ghost her while she was at work one day. He told her why and left. He gave closure. Hard to hear the first part but it’s obvious he reconciled that he didn’t love her enough to make him live in a place he didn’t want to live long term. France was a temporary jolly so he didn’t have that barrier there. Yes, he could have waited a few days until the weekend, but was he being pressured into discussions re future, flat viewings etc meanwhile, and in his head thought he was doing better by not carrying through with this for a further few days and leading her on now he had made his mind up?

I know it’s hard to see your child in pain, but you must be rationale, not outraged as per your latter post. She is 23yo, so I would have viewed this as a temporary relationship from the outset. Maybe you were with your DH from 23yo but I don’t think it’s typical, as in I know of no one who ever married anyone they were with at that age. She has many many years to have fun, and eventually meet Mr Right at this age.

He is also right in that, it was likely not her. I was with a few men in my 20’s who were utterly fabulous, and I WAS in love with them but it just wasn’t ideal situation wise. Just bad timing and location - I wasn’t as decided as your daughter’s boyfriend about not staying in UK forever versus going ‘home’ some day (even though I didn’t want to leave at that point). When things got serious with proposals etc I didn’t feel I could commit if there was absolutely any chance I’d want to go home at some point in the future, knowing the expectation was that I’d have forever life in UK. Because I didn’t know if love would be enough if that situation arose. So right men, wrong time and location, as I did eventually choose to go home rather than stay, and looking back now, I completely believe that I would have been miserable once I’d made that decision if I was stuck there, even in a relationship with a ‘soulmate’ I loved very much. So, I’m glad my younger self made the choices I did at the time even though they were very painful for both myself and the other parties along the way.

Edited to add, I’m Australian and yes, truthfully, your weather is utterly shit.

Well, that's quite a lot of extra information!

Without hearing his side of the story we will never know his reasons for the way he finished the relationship. Maybe he will explain more in the future.

I am sorry your daughter has gone through this.

I can understand OPs irritation that her dd has changed jobs and moved from Paris to London because the boyfriend couldnt get a job in France and now the dd has been dumped. I do think we older women need to caution our daughters about giving up the life we have to follow a man without being certain of said man's commitment.

Is it possible for dd to go back to her old job in Paris - would she want to ? I agree with others that you can only be a listening ear/ shoulder to cry on but point out the positives of living in London as a young single person.

I do also think the dd has had a lucky escape as the boyfriend sounds utterly callous.

She may cope better if you come across like a calm rational grown up

We should be telling woman, that if men come running back dont take them back because there was enough reason to go running in the first place.

BUT i have been in this mans situation before, he isn't a bad man just because he has fallen out of love and wants to go home. I wouldn't choose UK over Australia either and he probably just realised that he wasn't massively bothered whether she stayed or not in which case he obviously doesn't love her as much as he should for that amount of time. I think its good he realised now rather than later even if she is going to be upset for a while. Its also good he isn't leading her on, he's said his piece and he's left.

I wouldn’t be call him names or telling her that he’ll be back.

The way this guy has handled it seems brutal but I guess it was sort of make or break time if they are looking for rental flats together, etc - better now than when they were tied into leases and had a more established life together in London. There was the added layer in this of this guy not being from the UK and probably felt his future was going to be in Australia.

The OP’s poor DD, break-ups are never easy, she’ll just have to cry it out for a few days and then get up and pick herself up.

OP if it had been the other way round, and it was your daughter bolting home from Sydney because she didn't want to stay in the relationship, would you be saying she didn't deserve any sympathy? Of course you wouldn't. Poor bloke, you don't upend your whole life on a whim. He must have been desperate but hopefully he will be much happier back at home.

Oh bless she probably feels / thinks her whole future has gone - well the future she thought she was going to have. I guess this is her first serious break up.

However she is young and is now living in London - what a great city to live in whilst single.
but it can be lonely !

Her friends hopefully will be delighted when she phones them to say that she's back - yes they will have had relationships whilst she's been away, some may be in relationships right now but I rather guess several of them will be single if they are her age range.
She can meet up for coffee / drinks in an evening / a walk / a museum / all sorts of things.
There may also be young people at work ? so there could be friendships to be gained there. Or at least friendly people to socialise with.

After the tears / the sobbing then you both need to think of the positives - not easy I know but onwards and upwards.

Maybe a flat or house share ? yet again the potential to meet other young people.

You're doing all you can. Just be there for her. Allow her to talk and cry and talk and cry, don't offer immediate solutions or advice. It's gonna be a shock for her.

I know she's very new in her role but depending on the company she could be open with HR just so they know what's going on as it may effect her personality or performance in work but they'll understand why. I think everyone can sympathise that it's a terrible situation to be in.

Some people take breakups really badly and for me I found looking at the "neuroscience" of it helpful. What chemicals are being released which cause such intense feelings etc. Its like addiction and withdrawal.. actually very interesting. And then just focusing on myself.. wether that's going to the gym more, doing art or something I enjoy. Once she's through this initial period of shock just encourage her to focus on herself. Lots of snuggles and hot chocolates will help too.

Sorry, but it's a part of life. Another thread on here is about a lack of resilience in young people. Parents wanting to fix their lives is part of this.
She will be sad, you will support her, she'll move on.
(Edited a typo)

Just listen to her vent and offer lots of chocolate and ice cream. I went through the same when I was 23, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (who I rented a flat with and had a cat with!) texted me while I was at work to say he didn’t want to be together anymore and blocked me on everything. At the time and at that age, it felt like the end of the world. I ended up getting involved in quite a toxic rebound relationship which I don’t recommend so advise her to focus on herself for a while!! But now, I have a lovely partner, a daughter and another on the way. Reassure that it will all work out in the end and he was just not the person meant for her.

You’ve never been dumped OP!

I’ve been both dumper and dumpee on a roughly equal number of occasions. She’ll be in shock, and grief for what might have been, her sense of self worth will be hurting, she’ll be asking why did he say he would then didn’t, what was that all about, what’s not good enough about me? I can honestly say -NOTHING. It’ll have more to do with whatever motivates him than what’s ‘wrong’ with her.

We can deduce he didn’t fancy living here, the exciting travel part was over. It probably all got a bit real, and IME when you dump someone it’s surprisingly seldom to do with there being anything amiss with the person themselves (all my dumped boyfriends were very nice men who have gone on to meet women who I would say are objectively ‘better’ than me, by which I mean, more attractive, fitter, stellar careers). Strangely, the ones who dumped me, not so much. In fact I’d go so far as to say they’d have been better off with marvellous me but obviously that wasn’t how they felt at all so hey ho! Also, on two occasions which really broke my heart, I had to confess (much later) they were probably right, and it wouldn’t have gone the distance.

That might be my (bitter and deluded) perception, of course, but it’s a POV it may help to share with your daughter.

Relationships are mysterious, people don’t have a P/L account of attributes and faults running in their head and our decisions about who to be with are usually based primarily on feelings, which we all know we can’t really control. I have known at least one excellent man that just didn’t do it for me. On paper it should have been a match made in heaven and I see how his life is now and think argh why couldn’t I just have wanted him 😂

On that note, also totally possible that some people don’t know a good thing when they’ve got it, so she REALLY shouldn’t draw any negative conclusions about herself. He did her a solid by bailing when he did, she wouldn’t want to be stuck in a lease - and a life - with someone who didn’t want to be there with every atom of his being.

I had a terrible breakup after a 10 year relationship when I was 28. I believed he’d come running back due to that unhelpful trope, and waited and hoped for 5 years, unsure of what I was going to do when he appeared at the door. Would I slam it in his face? Would I take him back? Would we have one last night together and part ways on good terms?

obviously he never came running back, and has been Living in Australia with the woman he cheated on me with since 2009 (a year after he left me).

I agree with others that it’s better he has done this now than years down the line when they are fully committed.

I think what he’s done is ultimately for the best - my ex did similar and told me he didn’t love me anymore and whilst at the time I was heartbroken, I’ve realised it was for the best as I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me! And your daughter will realise the same.

It’s cliche but time is the best healer for a broken heart. She will be ok ❤️ just try not to slag him off too much as that might upset her - just be there for her, listen. Make sure she eats and sleeps and gets some fresh air! (I know that sounds silly but it’s so important)

Maybe for the best in the long run .He sounds rather selfish ,but maybe he couldnt see a future here a long way from home /family.Best now than when they are older with DC.I often think emigrating is down played its a huge step.Comfort DD as much as you can and be there for her

Not sure why everyone has hopped on the “don’t tell her he’s going to come back” wagon.
Whilst it’s probably true I thought the poster of this comment left a really nice friendly message (which most of mumsnet lack capability of) and sometimes it’s nice and strengthening to believe that the person who left you heartbroken will regret their actions and you’ll have moved on when they realise it. A “what an idiot, he’s made such a mistake” thing.
Speaking from experience.

I am going against the grain here, but I sympathise with him a little bit.

Your DD's ex was probably massively overwhelmed by suddenly going from a fairly carefree life to what may have felt like settling down away from all of his family. Perhaps he realised that the lifestyle they would have in London - tiny, expensive flat with crappy English weather, him having to work in a dead end jobs he didn't really like because he hasn't got the right visa - was just too much. Perhaps she was suddenly talking about marriage and babies which he might have agreed to in a lighthearted way, but suddenly it was all becoming too real and he panicked. Perhaps the relationship was already rocky and he didn't see a long term future in it.

I have a DS of similar age who was abroad for 3 years in a long term relationship but he came back to the UK for similar reasons. He was working in low paid manual jobs which were OK, but he wanted to start building a long term career which he couldn't do abroad.

I agree, it was shitty of your DD's ex to up and leave overnight, but it in some ways it was better than them getting tied down and both of them being unhappy.

Don't tell her men always come running back op cause most of the time they don't.

Just be supportive and reassure that she won't feel like this forever, it does get better

What a shit! It’s painful now but in time she’ll see that a man who could do that out of the blue isn’t worth her time.

She needs to block him - by leaving her unblocked but saying not to contact him he’s controlling her behaviour so he doesn’t have to feel bad but leaves the door open for him to keep coming in and out of her life when it suits him.

It’s brutal but the only way she’ll heal is for him to be out of her life - otherwise she’ll become obsessed with checking her phone and feeling worse when he doesn’t call or text and on a day she’s feeling better a text from him could set her back. I got one 2 weeks after a bad breakup to let me know he had found the love of his life who was on a ‘different spiritual and emotional level’ to me and he understood what love was now and to confirm he had never loved me so I shouldn’t feel bad because our relationship was never real! These men are capable if anything and she needs to protect herself.

This is the worst feeling - it’s like a death but because no one has actually died, you’re expected to just get on with life. I would say sod what the colleagues think for now and take a couple of days sick leave - she won’t impress them if she’s falling to pieces. She needs a couple of days to regroup.

After that it’s one day at a time. One hour if needed. It does get better.

Can she stay with you and travel to work every day?
She needs to look up her old friends, they'll likely be supportive and want to help.
Good luck and all the best.