TW: child abuse. Family keep secrets

You are not in the wrong. The fact they hid it from you shows that they know how you would have felt so took your power to protect your children away from you. I don't think I could forgive it either without a complete reversal of the way they are behaving and a full apology. Even then I would struggle to trust them ever again. It's unforgivable really. I can only assume they are entirely under his spell and believe him to be innocent. Regardless, it doesn't excuse them hiding it from you.

And saying your daughters wouldn't be his type is just a disgusting thing to try and justify themselves.

Really sorry you are going through this. xx

Selfish fuckers putting their own comfortable denial before a child’s safety.
I would never speak to anyone involved in such a cover up ever again.
I speak as an adult survivor.
Took me years to realise and find out that other adults knew something wasn’t right even though I believe they didn’t know the full truth but they had closed their minds to any possibility their dear brother ( my father) could ever do anything wrong.
Denial can be a powerful thing but in the circumstances you describe there is zero excuse.

I would block them both and stay NC.

You are being completely reasonable, I would have gone nuclear on the pair of them. They’d never see or hear from any of my family again. I really hope your daughter is ok.

I am so sorry you are going through this.My sisters work in roles supporting children who have been through abuse and sadly they tell me that your experience is quite common.

Personally my children would never see them again as it is clear they have no understanding or acknowledgement of the serious nature of these changes.

The comment made about your girls age and his preference, makes me sick. Abusers don't start 0-100, they can groom for years.

YADNBU, why in the fuck was she trying to encourage a child into his bedroom. That is beyond fucked up. I’d be blocking them for putting my children in harms way, utterly enabling.

YANBU. I would block them and never speak to them again. Why any family member would keep a paedophile a secret, especially when you have young children blows mind.

Also, she actually said your girls are not his type as they are not 10 yet. Does she not understand how utterly fucked up that it!! What about when your girls do reach 10? Totally NC after that

Your MIL is fighting with yourll in support of someone who isn't even her flesh and blood? She is a vile, vile human being and yes she is supporting a sex offender. I would not hesitate for one second to cut her off and tell her exactly why. Please don't ever reconcile with them. They have a mentality of condoning abusers.

I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this OP. I told my mum about historic abuse from my father (she was utterly oblivious and it nearly broke her mentally, well tbh it did and I’ve been rebuilding her for years) she was fantastic with supporting me and literally the only family member that believed me. (She had
been divorced from my dad for over 10years at this point) we went no contact with all of the family after that
as they chose him over me. I’ve never looked back. My children have never met any of my family and that suits me fine as I couldn’t trust any of them. Sue to my own abuse I am incredibly protective and cautious. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Sending love. ❤️

What absolute bastards

I'd be going NC with them, though they deserve far more than just that

She even suggested our girls were too young to be "his type" because the girl he abused was 10.

Dear God.

Her ignorance/denial is astounding!

You're absolutely NOT being unreasonable, keeping something of that magnitude a secret and knowingly allowing your children to be in danger from him is totally unforgivable!

You and your DH are completely sane in your reactions to this. This would be a no contact forever situation for me. Especially as she is still justifying it as well as guilt tripping you about being alone. Surely she is not alone as she has your SIL and BIL who can do no wrong in her eyes, even when it's blatantly obvious that both MIL and SIL put your girls in danger.

Mil is vile stay away forever

I hope your mil goes to her grave never having seen your dc again.

You are not overreacting at all and really need to cut off these people. To place your children in a position of danger is unacceptable.

I’ve lost my ex husband’s entire family because they walked with him, a convicted sex offender who abused my daughter for 5 years. You have my heart and my arsenal of sympathy.

Those who walk with the abuser and knowingly put children at risk are utter dirt bags of the lowest order. Oh and they’ll aggressively gaslight you. If it’s of ANY comfort, I’m seen as the crazy bitch by my in laws (because I put up impenetrable barriers and told them to go fuck themselves). They are the enablers and in my view, abusers themselves, showing total disregard for the children in the family by putting the abuser first, for some insane reason that I must admit, I’m dying to understand. My favourite gaslighting line was, “You’re the one who won’t allow your daughter to have her extended family in her life! You’re the one taking that away from her!” This spoken by the very person who attempted to pervert the course of justice by coercing her brother into lying about and minimising the abuse (lots of emails between them emerged). And I’m the bad guy. 🙄
Sorry to turn this into me.

You will be raging. Look after yourselves. Seriously, you’ll have to find ways of ensuring that your wholly justified anger doesn’t burn your own house down. Walk, breathe, kickbox, move your body and hug your DH when you feel angry. Carry each other. This is a terrible shock, betrayal, and loss. You will need therapy. I still run into fields and just sob my heart out. It’s seismic. Honour how big this is and utilise all the support available (podcasts, therapists, running, that third coffee, whatever helps!). ❤️ Give space for healthy rage!

Op, sadly it does happen more than you think. I have experience of a very similar situation. Cut them off completely. I'm many years down the line and wish I had done so myself.

Just about the only good news here is that you and DH are on the same page

I'm confused about the "reconciliation" bit though, in that you've said there wouldn't be one if there's no change of approach - and although there hasn't been, it seems you're still in touch

Personally I wouldn't be; with something this serious I'd tell her exactly why she was being cut off and then do it

Unfortunately I can relate… if you can cut them out then please do!

My mum was terrorised her whole childhood and was made out to be the difficult one by her parents.

To this day, she is a mess mentally, emotionally, physically… could have been stopped but they chose the ‘easy option’ of pretending it wasn’t happening.

Just unreal

They knowingly exposed your children to a paedophile? Bloody hell. The best option would seem to be that she's dead to you.