Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He keeps leaving

35 replies

VBMama · 28/02/2024 19:59

I have been with my partner for almost four years , he moved in 18 months ago and we have blended our families.
One DSD 19 and at university, and my two DS 9 and 15 who live with us. The children get on really well and consider themselves siblings . We have family holidays, Christmas together, lots of trips out and his DS has become quite close to my sisters and family and I really love her

Two years ago my partners mum died and he took over her house, which is a mess and a lot to deal with . We both have quite stressful jobs -his in particular, and there’s a lot to juggle at home , my mum has dementia , 15yo is quite hard work etc etc

Every time we have a stressful time, or lately even a slight row he leaves, goes back to his mums house - not too far away - then comes back and says sorry , he doesn’t mean it is going to change etc.

He's done it this past week and I am so angry and sick of it . I had a miscarriage in December, I have been really unwell and work is tough at the moment . My eldest is about to do his GCSE’s and the 9yo is so close to my partner. I can’t continue to put up with this , it feels so controlling and abusive even though he is wonderful at all other times .
He is now saying we should go to counselling but he will stay at his mum’s and I’m so hurt and frustrated that he just leaves- with no consideration for how we all are . He took the car and I’ve been stuck over half term without it for instance .
What do I do?

OP posts:
VBMama · 28/02/2024 20:20

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2024 20:04

It’s your house? Don’t let him back in!
Whose car is it?

Yes sorry it’s my house , thank god I own it . We share everything financially otherwise though. The car is his, but we got rid of mine. I’m so upset that he can just leave us stranded like that .

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 28/02/2024 20:16

what everyone has already said..

You should break up with him BECAUSE of your children. How can you bear to put them through this, especially the 9 year old? it must be traumatic for him, the sort of trauma that lasts and lasts.

Superscientist · 28/02/2024 20:11

How do you feel in that minute when you realise he has gone again?
Relief, let him go.
Disappointment, sadness, upset. How many times do you want him to make you feel like that before you go I'm going to let you do that to me again?

When he comes back, how do you feel?
Sad? Hopeful? Fear that he will leave again? If it's the latter let him go.

For the other response in your gut do you want or need him to do to make you feel like you want him back or what would you need to feel comfortable saying this has run it's course and we can't keep on this merry-go-round

Being an adult committed relationships involves sticking around to get through the rough patches. It looks like he is only wanting to be there for the good days. Is that enough for you?

PaminaMozart · 28/02/2024 20:09

Let him be gone.
Change the locks.
Separate everything that is currently joint.
Consider him, and treat him as, an Ex.
Above all: don't get pregnant!!

Nohousemove · 28/02/2024 20:08

End it now.

Hatty65 · 28/02/2024 20:07

You need to tell him 'This time I'm done. It is over, and I don't want to try again. It's all about you - you took the car and left me with no transport over half term, which demonstrates that in your head you come first, all the time. It is horrendous for the 9yo and 15 year old and they are my priority. Don't bother returning. It's over'.

For the sake of your sanity, and your kids, end it now. You've given him more than one chance and he's still fucking about playing silly buggers.

HungryandIknowit · 28/02/2024 20:07

Agree with others. Don't put up with it.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 28/02/2024 20:05

Tell him the next time will be the last and he can stay there permanently. He doesn't get to 'opt out' to the detriment of everyone else.

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2024 20:04

It’s your house? Don’t let him back in!
Whose car is it?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/02/2024 20:03

If the house you're in is yours, change the locks and don't let him back in. He is controlling the narrative and keeping you in line with these histrionics.

He won't be happy, but you will have a chance at being so.

Swipe left for the next trending thread