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Original poster

He keeps leaving

35 replies

VBMama · 28/02/2024 19:59

I have been with my partner for almost four years , he moved in 18 months ago and we have blended our families.
One DSD 19 and at university, and my two DS 9 and 15 who live with us. The children get on really well and consider themselves siblings . We have family holidays, Christmas together, lots of trips out and his DS has become quite close to my sisters and family and I really love her

Two years ago my partners mum died and he took over her house, which is a mess and a lot to deal with . We both have quite stressful jobs -his in particular, and there’s a lot to juggle at home , my mum has dementia , 15yo is quite hard work etc etc

Every time we have a stressful time, or lately even a slight row he leaves, goes back to his mums house - not too far away - then comes back and says sorry , he doesn’t mean it is going to change etc.

He's done it this past week and I am so angry and sick of it . I had a miscarriage in December, I have been really unwell and work is tough at the moment . My eldest is about to do his GCSE’s and the 9yo is so close to my partner. I can’t continue to put up with this , it feels so controlling and abusive even though he is wonderful at all other times .
He is now saying we should go to counselling but he will stay at his mum’s and I’m so hurt and frustrated that he just leaves- with no consideration for how we all are . He took the car and I’ve been stuck over half term without it for instance .
What do I do?

OP posts:
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Moanranger · 05/03/2024 20:49

My exH used to do this, like yours, gone fo a night or two, then would return apologetic. He was controlling & manipulative & this leaving thing was part of that.
He may need some grief counselling, but you are well out of it.

FOJN · 05/03/2024 20:41

He is being abusive. Under no circumstances should you attend couples counselling with an abusive partner.

I'm glad you have made a decision to end the relationship. Don't let him persuade you he will change, he won't, in all likelihood he will get worse.

Hopefully now you will be able to maintain a calm and stable household for your children.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Americano75 · 05/03/2024 20:29

Block him as well, if he can't communicate like an adult then it's for the best.

Treat yourself to something nice to celebrate!

Hatty65 · 05/03/2024 19:41

Well done. Life will genuinely be much better when you can breathe easily instead of tiptoeing on eggshells around someone who behaves like this.

LiveLaughCryalot · 05/03/2024 18:29

Good for you OP. It would have just escalated anyway with him spending more and more time at his mums place. Not fair on you or the kids.

Americano75 · 05/03/2024 18:21

What do you do? You dump this prick.

bombastix · 05/03/2024 18:07

Glad. You do not have put up with this kind of thing.

Original poster
VBMama · 05/03/2024 18:06

Just wanted to say thanks for all the messages. I’ve now told him to stay gone and arranged someone to collect all of his things . He has still not spoken and avoided all sensible and mature conversations

It really helped having the input from here and gave me the clarity I needed.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 28/02/2024 23:52

Get rid, he has no thought for anyone but himself

Get a new car

Get a new and improved life without a man dragging you down and making you stressed and miserable ❤️

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2024 23:47

Get rid of this arsehole and buy a car. Honestly, stop being a fucking doormat for his abusive bullshit. He's playing you, left, right and centre.

Take control of your life.

justjuggling · 28/02/2024 23:44

You need to prioritise your DC’s long term emotional wellbeing and tell him it’s over. Also, when financially possible, buy yourself a little car. The fact that yours was sold but he kept his and then leaves you with no transport is so controlling and a red flag.

SuperGreens · 28/02/2024 23:28

So he only started this after he inherited a place of his own, and now that he can walk out, he does. Has he paid any rent over the years, paid towards wear and tear, upkeep of your house? All seem a bit convenient to me.

SlumberDearMaid · 28/02/2024 23:00

You have to be (fully, 100%) prepared to lose a relationship, to save it.

Which means, you need to tell him to leave. Not come back. That you are done with this controlling, abusive, hurtful, harmful, destructive behaviour from him - and you will not accept it from him any longer.

If he wants to get counselling to deal with it, and/or his grief over losing his mother, he should absolutely do that. He should.

But you won’t live like this any more.

You either handle it like this ^^ or you accept his abusive behaviour and put up with it.

Edited to add - I personally don’t know why you would want to save a relationship with a man like this, but presumably you do.

cherish123 · 28/02/2024 22:59

Everything seems chaotic. Might be better if ge lived at his mum's. It's not compulsory (and you'd probably be happier) to live separately.

JCLV · 28/02/2024 22:55

Can you afford to buy another car? It will give you your own independence so you don’t need to lean on him. Unfortunately he sounds like he is slowly checking out of the relationship so I would start preparing for the inevitable.

Original poster
VBMama · 28/02/2024 21:18

Froniga · 28/02/2024 21:13

He’s not behaving well but my guess is he’s grieving. He’s recently lost his Mum and it’s knocked him for six.
Id give him the benefit of the doubt and try opening up a conversation with him about what’s going on. A little love and understanding may go a long way to resolving things.

This is the only reason why I’ve let it go in the past . It’s my fault for not insisting on counselling the last time . It just feels now like a total lack of respect and repeated patterns and behaviours . He goes really cold and off when he’s gone too - someone else called it stonewalling - it’s feeling quite abusive now as each time I feel sick , worried about him and having to keep it altogether at home .

OP posts:
Froniga · 28/02/2024 21:13

He’s not behaving well but my guess is he’s grieving. He’s recently lost his Mum and it’s knocked him for six.
Id give him the benefit of the doubt and try opening up a conversation with him about what’s going on. A little love and understanding may go a long way to resolving things.

Shetlands · 28/02/2024 21:06

Just change the locks and buy yourself a car. You don't need this selfish pillock in your house or your life. He'll make your life a misery (he already is). You deserve better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2024 20:54

Please don't get pregnant in this situation.

And the children are not siblings. 4 years, only 18 months living together. They may be friends but they are not siblings. Too much, too fast.

If the car is supposed t be a joint asset, tell him he needs to treat it as such and leave you with it at least half the time.

Plan for this to be permanent.

WibblyWobblyWeeble · 28/02/2024 20:51

Leave, or obviously make him leave and sort out decent contraception ffs.
He's a twat, but you are responsible for your own body.

Takenoprisoner · 28/02/2024 20:47

PaminaMozart · 28/02/2024 20:25

He is playing games, toying with you.
Do not let him.
Time to be brave.
You WILL feel better once he is definitely gone.
And your children can start to feel secure again.

Yes this. even worse, he's toying with your children. that's unforgivable

RamanaBanana · 28/02/2024 20:27

What would I do?
The next time he leaves, I'd have his packed bags on the doorstep and the locks changed for his return.
Only a mug would put up with it.

PaminaMozart · 28/02/2024 20:25

He is playing games, toying with you.
Do not let him.
Time to be brave.
You WILL feel better once he is definitely gone.
And your children can start to feel secure again.

Original poster
VBMama · 28/02/2024 20:23

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2024 20:04

It’s your house? Don’t let him back in!
Whose car is it?

My house thankfully, his car

OP posts:
Original poster
VBMama · 28/02/2024 20:23

Takenoprisoner · 28/02/2024 20:16

what everyone has already said..

You should break up with him BECAUSE of your children. How can you bear to put them through this, especially the 9 year old? it must be traumatic for him, the sort of trauma that lasts and lasts.

Yes , it’s had me so confused about what is best for them . In the past it’s never lasted more than a night and I’ve just said he’s working away, so they’ve been none the wiser. But this time it’s been over a week and I don’t even want to speak to him.

OP posts:
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