Feel like I have zero spare time is this normal?

I think societal and cultural misunderstandings of what "normal" childhood sleep is like are to blame for a lot. For a three year old, average sleep needs start at 10hrs in total per 24hrs (so if your oldest sleeps 9pm-7am then they are actually within the average sleep needs zone for their age) and as little as 8-9hrs is still quite common.

Our seven year old sleeps 9pm-6:30am (his total of 9.5hrs per 24hrs being bang in the middle of the average needs of 9-11hrs for his age group) and our toddler goes to bed around 9:30pm (up at 6:30am with a 2hr nap so again, in the typical sleep needs zone for age).

So I would definitely stop trying to fix/change/alter/train your oldest's sleep and accept it as normal (unless they're consistently getting up earlier than 5am with the 9pm bedtime). In most other countries it's normal for kids to be up in the evening and go to bed around the same time as their parents (usually, with their parents in the same bed or at least the same room). The idea that 7-7 is the norm is evidently wrong for a significant proportion of children!

We just roll with it, it does get easier as they get older 🙂

It gets easier. DC2 was in a consistent nap routine from 12 months which made non-work days easier. He was sleeping through the night at 16 months which also made things easier and then we moved him to his own room at 18 months which also made things logistically easier. Now at 5 and 2 they actually play together sometimes which means we have time to do some quick urgent chores and so on.

cherish123 · 28/02/2024 23:08

Just wait until you have teenagers. Then you will definitely have no time. Pre-school age was a breeze by comparison.

This wasn’t my experience, I found the preschooler stage the most difficult. I really enjoyed the teenage years.

We're in the midst of this right now. I just let my 2 year old stay up until he's tired. I wasted months sticking to his old routine that used to work fine. He just isn't tired at the same time anymore. So we trialled getting them both ready for bed and then just putting the older one to bed before getting on with doing the housework whilst the 2 year old potters around us. Then when it's close to his natural sleep time 8.30ish one of us takes him up to settle him down.

Tends to work better for everyone. All the housework gets done in that 'dead' time one of us would've been waiting for him to fall asleep.

Yes exactly the same here. I have bigger age gaps. Kids are 9, 5 and 1. I don't remember the last time I did anything for myself and we almost never use our living room as we never sit down! I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it changes. The oldest one now stays up later so our evenings are not child-free, and she has a lot of homework etc. And taxi-ing around for clubs, or seeing friends etc every evening too! I love it, but it is relentless!

@cherish123 I wonder what you were trying to achieve with this post? Seems really unhelpful to me

It's get easier OP, your youngest will sleep through eventually and that will make you feel like a new women. Then your oldest will start school which gives uniformity for 5 days a week. Main thing is to stay as a team with your DH.

The toughest couple of years for me was straight after maternity with my second.

I would suggest however trying to do bedtime from 6pm for your oldest, some kids it naturally takes longer to fall asleep it's not about the time of night so start the process earlier to try and claim an extra hour in the evening.

That when I do my emails now.

I think it's normal not to get a break. I work 50 hours a week get up at 5am to do work, work 9-3 around drop offs work 7-11 to catch up, work weekends when they're busy in clubs (take laptop and sit on thr car outside dance and sport clubs).

Doing housework on your day with the DC helps, so I try to get them involves rather than separating childcare and cleaning, it all has to happen at once.

This with bells on. The emotional load.

It does get better. I remember not having time to watch a film for some years s because films are 2 hours long and I didn't have that to spare.

I think the only way to handle it is to put yourself aside totally. Then gradually you start to get some time back for yourself. And then suddenly they go in a residential school trip and you feel like a ship without an anchor!!

I'm glad you clarified about working and SAHMs. I've been both and remember after 4 years of not working realising the amazing freedom of the bit between nursery drop and work. Be it car, walk or train was fucking bliss!

It is hard with young kids. With dd1 it was back to normal, evenings out and hobby from about 6 months. Felt just as well and healthy as before dc. Dd was a good sleeper who fell into a routine. Life was easy.

after dd2, 2 years later.. she was so resistant to get into a routine and didn’t sleep well, evenings were shorter and nights interrupted for .. a long time! So then that with a toddler who was hard work (later diagnosed with Asd) was just exhausting for both of us. It got easier once they started school.

I think I spent about 10 years feeling utterly done in and drained and then... it got better.

Teens go to school/ come home without help.
Couple of clubs a week is manageable.
They make breakfast and lunch for themselves at weekend. I'm up before them go to to the gym.

But the emotional load increases- especially when they're in yr7 and the Great Friendship Shift begins and you want to contact the mums and say:"get a fucking hold of your daughter and teach her to be a decent human being", but you're an adult, so you can't.

I only have one, who sleeps a bit earlier than yours - and it still feels familiar! In awe of parents of more than one.
It's now March and my new year promise to take up a particular sport is still waiting for me to "just get through this week"
When they are in bed I'm so exhausted that all the life/house admin is on the back burner. It's hard!

Totally utterly normal.

Work or kids

Yes I'm the same my life is manic, something on every night after work this week not getting home till after 9pm from 8.30am, I'm exhausted. Weekends are filled with journeys all over the country for the kids sports and tomoro is to Ireland. It won't last forever though but I can relate.

Since the older one won’t go to sleep until later anyway, why not have one parent doing both bedtimes consecutively? So P1 gets baby down while P2 potters about tidying and chatting to 3yo. Then P1 puts 3yo to bed while P2 has free time. Next night Ps swap over. 3yo might even sleep better for having had 121 attention? No need for everyone to suffer.

But it will get better.

Also the time when you can go into the shower without pre planning what your DC are doing is a really good moment of when you’re getting time to yourself back. I also know that my oldest will let me know if the younger one is doing something silly which helps.

I would agree it’s normal for this time in your life and particularly harder with your 3 year old settling so late. I think I noticed a particular change when my oldest started school and my youngest was 2; then slowly it’s got better to where when my youngest was 3.5 it became more easy for DH and I to return to our own hobbies and have weekends away without leaving the other parent in the shit.

I’m reading this in awe that your 6 year old will sort themselves out completely for school and at weekends too. My 6 year old just comes into our bed after she wakes up and refuses to go downstairs on her own (as she’s scared!) and getting her to sit and eat breakfast, then getting her dressed, then shoes teeth etc is such a painful process (I have a 4 year old too, same thing). How do you convince your children to do all this by themselves?! Do they have rewards etc it just feels impossible! Any tips gratefully received

It comes back. These days my oldest (9) is not infrequently at a birthday party or with friends for several hours on a weekend, and one parent can loosely supervise the 6yo while doing house stuff while the other has free time. They also both get themselves up, fed, and dressed. On the weekends they're allowed to chill out with TV in the morning and I don't get up until I feel like it. On weekdays I come down to them dressed in their uniforms and eating the breakfast they got themselves, and yes I have to remember sodding World Book Day and to sign their reading diary and give them a pound for the collection, but it's easier than having to watch them every minute any day.

This is what I am waiting for!! I can handle being busy, it’s the time to squeeze in a hobby (like a run). If I have to do that while they do ballet or whatever, so be it. I will knit while they swim!

And it has been an eternity since I had a lie in 🫠

Normal but very difficult. Can you take it in turns to do both bedtimes so you get an earlier finish every other day?

Mine are 6 and 3 now and it's loads easier than it was when they were 4 and 1 (or younger).