Tied into commitment made a year ago

For those who think it's strange to do, I have a friend who does this with her stepson, she does before/after care on the weeks he is with his Mum. When she married dh she decided in all circumstances she'd treat him no differently and they have a fab co-parenting relationship. BUT it works for her b/c she works part time and the days she works their other childcare does the pick up (part time baby-sitter 2 days/week).

I'd just let them know now you are working again you aren't available 8-4 or whatever your hours are. Treat WFH no different to being in the office.

Most parents of primary school children work, I'm not sure I believe there are no other options. Wrap around/breakfast club can't really be unreliable as I imagine many people rely on it. Maybe it just isn't available every day? A friend could only get 3 days/week recently when she increased her hours. But 3 days/week is better than none!

It still isn’t YOUR problem. yanbu at all and your husband should be supporting you, not expecting you to do favours for his ex-wife.

Ah - ignore me - I thought it was just one day, every other week. In that case - YANBU OP. At all. Sorry!

Assume that maintenance is not figured into the calculation of all the extra time you have him?

@cheddercherry

you’ve misunderstood the connection. This isn’t her current partners child OR the OP’s child…. It’s the EX husband’s NEW partners child. So not even the OP’s stepchild, but her ex’s child and really absolutely not her responsibility. She very kindly offered to help short term and is now being made to feel awful for even stepping in when she didn’t have to.

You seem confused. The child is the OPs SC

Two words
Cheeky Fuckery.
YANBU.

Sounds like they need to sort out a childminder.

Not your problem to solve and quite frankly both of them should be grateful that you have done this for a year. Things change and now your Dh's ex needs to come up with a solution for her childcare issue on her week.

I'm sorry but you are allowed to reassess your commitments when situations change. Your situation has changed and the temporary solution you suggested to help no longer works and they need to find an alternate arrangement.

I'd give X amount of notice - and from that point the arrangements need to be made.

DH can get to fk putting the ex above you and your ask that this situation needs to change. He would be told in no uncertain terms that you did this as a favour and its no longer convenient to you.

I can’t believe anyone could think you are being unreasonable.

Of course things have changed now you’re back at work. And of course you aren’t their permanent, regular, free childcare. The parents need to sort something between them. You need to stick to your guns.

Volunteering your Mum indeed!

@Shinyandnew1 said it perfectly- were you signing up for life? Was it a contract for the whole of his school life. Things change, you work. Ask why their work is more important than yours.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

You need to see you are sorry you did offer as you didn’t realise they thought you were signing up for life.

She needs to find an after school childminder.

I can see why she is trying it on-she has no loyalty to you, but your husband should have your back here!

Things change. You helped for a while. Interesting that your DH has suggestions about how YOU can make this work. Its up to him to sort it.

This is totally out for order and its unfair of your husband to emotionally blackmail you by saying you 'committed' to it. You didn't. You offered to help out while you were on maternity leave. It is their problem to sort out. There are child care options out there and you shouldn't have to look after him if he is ill.

No way you helped out at the time which was very generous of you.
Now it's not suitable so it's not your problem.
The mother needs to sort out her own childcare like the rest of us!

I'd be really annoyed at both your DH and his ex-DW for putting this on you, and I wouldn't do it anymore. You've been far too kind already. Let them both sort out childcare for their son.

This is such a shame - you extend yourself to help as you are being kind and now they are taking you for granted and making this your problem. Is your partner like this with other things?

Massive CFs, the ex and your DH, but I’d be more angry at your DH for not having your back! It’s his responsibility to sort, not yours or your mum’s ffs.

You stepped up when DSs’ mum was in a difficult spot.

She should be grateful, not pressurising and guilt tripping you.

@Fedupmumofadultsons you’ve misunderstood the connection. This isn’t her current partners child OR the OP’s child…. It’s the EX husband’s NEW partners child. So not even the OP’s stepchild, but her ex’s child and really absolutely not her responsibility. She very kindly offered to help short term and is now being made to feel awful for even stepping in when she didn’t have to.

So, when they decided to have sex like two consenting adults and had a baby who did they think was going to do the school run for them? Cos unless your DH is a psychic with a crystal ball it wasn’t going to be you was it? Absolute cheeky fucker entitlement from the pair of them. It’s their child and their responsibility. I’d be livid with the fact they just expect you to disrupt your working day because they can’t get their act together and are now villainizing you. Why is both of their careers more important than yours? They’re expecting you to be second-class for a child you didn’t even create. To me, that’s effectively what your DH actions and words are saying to me. Selfish beyond belief. I’d ask them who they’d expect to do it if you left or passed on unexpectedly. Is your DSS mums going to be doing a years worth of school runs for your younger child to reciprocate? I highly doubt it. YADNBU.

So what started as a favour becomes an ongoing expectation. With no thanks. Simply, you can’t do it any more. And these people are angry because it means they need to step up, which as parents they should do.
poor DSS too.

Give a reasonable notice period but stand firm. They’re both communicating that your job is less important than theres. Presumably you didn’t say when you took it on that you were committing to doing it for the rest of the child’s school life. They should be grateful that you’ve done it for so long.

It is DSS Mum's responsibility. She will need to find and pay for a childminder for her weeks.

It’s outrageous they expected you to continue this past your maternity. Both CF’s! Especially your DH.