Tied into commitment made a year ago

No wonder step mothers get a bad name.

The mother has had a year to sort this out. She could have requested to change her shifts, looked for a different job, asked a friend or other family member. All the things that single dads are expected to do when they work during their contact time.

If mum has a job doing shifts in healthcare then there is no flexibility and really no childcare that I ever found that would meet the needs of shift work.
Then mums job isn't suitable and she needs to get a new one. Like I did. I would be mortified asking anyone to do so much childcare for me. Nevermind expecting them TO LEAVE WORK to do so.

It's not possible. The OP is working.

@drumbeats such a naive simplistic post which doesn’t reflect real life at all. If mum has a job doing shifts in healthcare then there is no flexibility and really no childcare that I ever found that would meet the needs of shift work. It’s not about her not being willing to flex, it’s about needing someone suitable that can care for their child, it’s natural you’d ask the other half of his family. It should be natural for the other half of his family to want to have him and let him be at home after school if possible.

Parent one (mother) 'I'm not messing around my work to parent my child in my contact days'
Parent two (father) I already mess around my work on my contact days. I'm not doing it on my non contact days'
Stepmother 'why am I the one expected to mess up my work when contact parent won't and non contact parent won't?'

You think the preferred option is that - op should finish work early to do pick ups during the mum's contact time?

Im puzzled, why don't you feel the childs actual Mother should rearrange her work or arrange childcare?

No the child has 2 parents, not 3. The 3rd has no parental responsibility at all (unless granted by a Court).. As for "childcare is an option" well of course it is...one that the SC's mother can seek out for HER child, just as the OP has done for her own child. It's not up to 3 people to make it work only 2....why does the SM always have to be the one to sacrifice her own commitments for a child that is not hers because the ACTUAL parents are too lazy to deal with the issue themselves.

This is all very sad. I honestly would treat a step child the same as my own and think there are three parents to support and love that child. It’s massively unpopular on mumsnet to say that yet if your husband was to treat a child of yours from another relationship differently then that’s not ok. Right. And sure childcare is an option I’m sure if all three can’t find a way to make it work but it should be with the same commitment to both children.

YANBU. I would not want to have to stop my work at 2.30/3pm every other week and pick up SC from school while my own DC is at nursery! Apart from emergencies. Why should you lose 5-10 hours maybe work time per week or have to work evenings to make it up? Very different if they’re at the same school together and you’re picking up your own child or you’re not working at that point.

A better solution (if possible) might be that the SC does half the week in after school club or whatever form of childcare and your DH has him the other half week, but every week. You can help out occasionally.

There is a straight forward solution, which is for the mother to organise wraparound childcare from a provider external to the school. This can also apply on holidays when your own child is in nursery. It's what they would have done in the first place had you not been on maternity leave. Now you are no longer on maternity leave you are no longer available. Simple as that.

Sometimes when things change, you need to look at the whole situation again. Maybe if they can’t get childcare (I cannot get it here til 6pm so I’ve had to change my working hours for example), they need to look at changing their arrangement and instead of doing every other week do half a week each every week and work it around working days if she has set shifts and if he can adjust his working hours on other days.
Absolutely might not be feasible but it’s possibly another option THEY need to consider.

Its a ‘them’ problem though, not a ‘you’ problem.

YANBU. It's absolutely ridiculous of both of them to expect this and has been very kind of you to do it for a year!

I am chuckling to myself imaging the look on my ex's face if I suggested his DP should pick up from school and look after DS on my time with him, when she's meant to be working. He would think I had lost my mind!

Why do you feel that the SM should compromise their work to facilitate the bio mum not having to compromise hers. Its bio mums contact time. She doesn't want to have to sort out how to parent and work during her contact time so she expects SM to just drop work to facilitate things?

Why is the SMs career less important to you?

I really really want to hear from you why you think this?

Yep. SM's are expected by many to put their SC 1st even when the child's own parents don't seem to do so. We can't win

Dad and SM can't do school runs on their contact time? MN " It's your contact time so your responsibility to sort out childcare"
Mother can't do school runs on her contact time ? MN - "You should step up and help her out, after all the DC is part of your family"

It's either the parent's job to sort out their own childcare or it's not. SM's aren't there to manage the parent's failures wrt their own child.

I would calculate the gross salary you doing the school runs is costing you in lost working time. I would message both of them stating the facts of "it is costing me £x per day plus the loss of paying additionally into my pension doing the school run. I need to be working and earning that instead on the days I pay for DC to be in nursery it will cost that as well"

I think they will both be surprised at what you are losing out on financially. I bet there won't be any offers from either of them to pay you for it!

And I really don't get why this is being spun into a measure of the OP's commitment to the SC as part of her family.

Invariably the way on threads when an SM is having the piss taken out of her.

Meanwhile, in the real world, people who work organise childcare to facility their ability to work. This typically involves either a reciprocal arrangement , or a paid one. The SC's mum has done neither.

And I really don't get why this is being spun into a measure of the OP's commitment to the SC as part of her family.

@UntilThenAndTen

I don't see divorce as producing two parents at the end.

It all gets watered down.

My parents were financially poorer... they needed two houses, two cars, they both upped their hours to pay for the houses they needed. By contrast my friends who have a traditional family enjoyed holidays and time with their mum at home and as adults were supported in ways that my parents could never support me. Financial decisions were made in the 80s with their kids in mind. My parents just couldn't do that in the same way due to financial implications of divorce.

My parents spent time socialising and ended up dating and meeting other people. Their time with me was diluted. Then this increased when they both had other children. My dad moved away to be with his new wife.

The support you get from traditional 2 parents together situations is vastly different as an adult. My step parents are not as inclined to help with childcare as they do not both have an equal interest in my children. Sorry it's true... my step mum is much more likely to help my step brother out. My dad would be very unlikely to help me out much by himself (that's not abnormal, lots of men of a certain age would not do childcare alone). By contrast my friends with mums and dads together enjoy happy holidays together, and days out.

Honestly it's totally shit... I could go on and on.

And no it's not just me. Lots of my friends are in similar situations.

A surprising number of posters on here appear to think it stops becoming their responsibility first and foremost when there's a SM on the scene.