Phony Happy Couples

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

You seem to be taking exception to something I haven't said.

I'm not talking about a couple of photos on holidays or at events .

I'm talking about weekly if not daily posters with hashtags everywhere like #Happywifehappylife, #couplegoals, #soluckytohaveyou,#hubbyoftheyear etc. for every single mundane thing that happens broadcasted constantly.

The ones where one look at the faces in the photos clearly show all is not well.

I'm not particularly taking exception I have just seen this thread posted many dozens of times on Mumsnet and it always makes my scratch my head because I don't recognise the syndrome. I've literally never seen a post like this on FB or Insta with someone saying #couplegoals. It does sound excruciatingly embarrassing but they just sound like very naff people, nothing specific to being in couples.

Also how to you tell from someone's grin on Facebook that "all is not well"? Genuinely if someone posts a smiling picture on social media how do you extrapolate that their marriage is in trouble?

It just seems for some reason people are really triggered by couples posting on social media and determined to insinuate that its evidence of abuse or imminent marriage breakdown. Again, I think this has a lot more to do with the poster of the thread than the poster of the socials.

You seem to be taking exception to something I haven't said.

I'm not talking about a couple of photos on holidays or at events .

I'm talking about weekly if not daily posters with hashtags everywhere like #Happywifehappylife, #couplegoals, #soluckytohaveyou,#hubbyoftheyear etc. for every single mundane thing that happens broadcasted constantly.

The ones where one look at the faces in the photos clearly show all is not well.

This is so true. I have sadly noticed a link between friends who used to put a lot of "DATE NIGHT! XX" selfies on social media and the ones who are now divorced. It's like they were trying too hard, or trying to convince themselves.

But what is a "loved-up, performance couple"? How are you defining this?

I post pictures that tag my boyfriend if we do something fun, maybe two or three times a year. Does that make me a "performance couple"?

I get that people plastering their feed with "I love you so much" posts all the time are a naus to be around and I too would be suspicious of their motives. But the implication of a lot of these threads is that no one should ever tag or allude to their partner in any way. It just seems a bit controlling for people to feel that any reference to their spouse or partner will be interpreted as evidence that there is abuse or divorce is around the corner. Where are you supposed to draw the line?

I don't bang on about my partner on Facebook or Insta but I do reserve the right to occasionally share a selfie of us in front of the Taj Mahal if we'd done that. If we've done something really cool why the hell shouldn't we occasionally celebrate it?

I must be old fashioned. I just don’t see why people feel the need to post anything about their relationships online. Who cares? What’s the point? I genuinely don’t understand it. What a complete waste of time and resource. Baffled.com

I cannot think of any couple who are an exception to your theory.

People who are genuinely happy don't seem to need to have their relationship affirmed on social media. All of the most "loved up, performance couples" on social media that I know, split during covid19.

So my experience is that the people in toxic relationships are really happy in those moments (read trauma bonded).

toxicity leads to an up/down volatility in a relationship where the good is really really good because the bad is so awful.

when you’re in an actually good relationship, you are just less intense period. That’s because you don’t have the gut wrenching pain of them treating you like crap and threatening to abandon you, and therefore you don’t clamber after them like a beaten, lovesick puppy.

a big fight means a big make up. This is what you’re seeing in these posts - the make up, we’re “soul mates” moments. As a hypothetical example: a man smacks his wife and tells her she’s worthless, her self esteem is in tatters…five hours later he rocks up telling her that he loves her and they’re meant to be together forever so she clambers into his arms and they kiss and cuddle and agree to take the kids to the park and they have a fantastic time and it’s all smiles and rainbows and she takes photos and posts them to Facebook to show off her glorious family. And then she wakes up the next morning, spills some tea and he calls her worthless, smacks her and threatens to leave her. And so the cycle goes on.

what you’re seeing in those posts with the big smiles and love hearts IS toxicity and abuse.

There are definitely couples on social media that do this

Gemma and Gorka, for example, are always posting lovey dovey stuff. I don’t know if it’s real or not. I just think you would be quite insecure to have to broadcast all your thoughts and feelings to the world

There are endless threads about this on MN and to be honest they make me far more cynical about the motives of the poster of the thread than the person who is posting on FB.

I mean sure some people do performative posts about their relationship on FB, just as everyone tries to put their best foot forward in all aspects of life. But it seems quite a jump to assume that anyone who references their spouse/OH on social media must be dying inside. Some are, some aren't, you can't generalise.

I honestly think anyone who is spending that much time going: "Look! Another post from Grace and Alex showing off about how much in love they are! They must be about to divorce!" needs to spend a bit more time on their own life.

I think all too often the wife thinks that they’re blissfully happy, but the man is having an affair with someone else. Seen this happen a lot in my social circle.

Had friends who were married for 20 years... when they finally split they were genuinely surprised that absolutely no one was surprised. They thought everyone believed they were super happy.
It was weird.

Phony Happy Couples was a great song, loved REM

YANBU

My next door neighbours are the most prolific posters, constantly posting how amazing their husband/wife is, yes every single night I hear the worst screaming matches, verbal abuse really. He calls her a slag and a shit mum yet the next day ‘my gorgeous wife’ - vom

Hmmmmm....I'll sometimes do an anniversary post that tags DH with wedding photos and an occasional selfie of us if we're somewhere nice. It depends how frequently the couple are doing it I suppose. We've never had an issues so it isn't to overcompensate. Together 15 years (since 18).

People overcompensating on FB is definitely a thing. But there are also people who just post everything that falls into their head, and some of them happen to be in very happy relationships. It's a mixture.

I agree with you - same could be said for people posting selfies all the time etc, it’s not just about relationships - but don’t you also think this has always been the way? I don’t think it’s to do with the internet - people have never wanted to show ‘weakness’ have they? I know of loads of very unhappy marriages behind closed doors from back before the internet, but you would never have known on the outside. Image worries predate the internet.

I think the majority of people by now do realise that social media is a facade. Being an influencer is the job of producing the right amount of drama and envy to keep the audience engaged enough for advertisers to keep pushing sponsored content.
We both have pronto stopped our social media presence (made accounts private and removed all the people that we do not know well enough) when the business has expanded. I don't want the employees to see where we are holidaying and then counting our money, eeeek!

I think it helps some people to convince themselves those people are desperately, secretly unhappy.

In the same way some people convince themselves all slim women survive miserably on one lettuce leaf per day, and a life of self-denial.

But they're grown ups on the internet.

You are not responsible for how they react to the social media they choose to use.

Whilst there are marriages, births, University degrees, holidays being had, houses being bought etc...there will always be people for whom this is not possible.

If everyone let that stop them from posting, SM would contain nothing but cat memes.

And even then, someone's cat might've just died 🤷‍♂️

My BIL posts pictures of him and his DW declaring his undying love. They met whilst he was still married to his first wife. I take it as him trying to convince himself and the world. Before he cheats again.

I also have a friend who posts pictures of her apparent happy family yet I know in real life her DH takes drugs and has been violent. You wouldn’t know from looking at social media.

This.

Not ALL couples who overshare on social media are actually desperately unhappy and putting on a show, the same as not all couples who don't share their relationship are the most secure and devoted to one another.

Yes a lot of SM is a falsified reality. I only know this because I know the people who are posting what I know to be bullshit. Honestly, it’s look at me/us and look how fabulous it all is. It’s seeking approval on a platform. No one must be seen to be shitting out. Honesty seems to have gone from the world as it’s spilled over into real life. It’s more dog eat dog than it’s ever been. Everyone has been given an outlet to promote their lives. No one tells the truth anymore. Sad and delusional really x