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Original poster

Phony Happy Couples

63 replies

JayJa · 26/02/2024 11:00

Doesn't it seem like the couples who constantly promote what fantastic relationships they have to everyone else online are actually the ones in the worst relationships?

I know of at least 5 couples, who have some of the most toxic or downright depressing relationships behind closed doors but it's all smiles and sunshine on their social media.

Surely happy couples don't need to shout it from the rooftops about how happy they are as they have nothing to prove to anyone. Whereas, the unhappy people seem to try and convince not only themselves but others that everything is perfect, almost like a mantra with daily/weekly updates.

It goes without saying I believe these types are in the minority but it highlights a bigger problem at large about how obsessed people have become with how they are perceived online not only in terms of relationships, but wealth and success etc. Have we become a society of narcissists or has social media just given the narcissists a platform to preach from?

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Original poster
JayJa · 27/02/2024 08:57

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 01:23

But how would you know if you don't use social media yourself?

I don't get the couple gushing but I don't follow people who do it, if you have an issue stop following them

Where have I said I don't use social media?

I also didn't say I have an issue with it, I've just noticed the pattern and increased regularity.

OP posts:
SlumberDearMaid · 27/02/2024 02:01

Garlickit · 27/02/2024 01:47

Back when everything was in print, OK magazine used to do massive features on rich & famous couples showcasing their glamorous, stable marriages.

It was a standing joke (and truism) that, if a couple's relationship was in OK, their divorce was on the cards.

Gosh, I remember that! Seems so long ago.

I guess SM is the modern day equivalent.

I only have one person on my FB who does this - my oldest friend’s sister.

The SM version v RL is vastly different.

Most people on my feed are clearly quite happy and content and use it for connecting with people near and far.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 01:49

Garlickit · 27/02/2024 01:47

Back when everything was in print, OK magazine used to do massive features on rich & famous couples showcasing their glamorous, stable marriages.

It was a standing joke (and truism) that, if a couple's relationship was in OK, their divorce was on the cards.

Seal and Heidi Klum annually used to announce their renewal of wedding vows, I beleive

Garlickit · 27/02/2024 01:47

Back when everything was in print, OK magazine used to do massive features on rich & famous couples showcasing their glamorous, stable marriages.

It was a standing joke (and truism) that, if a couple's relationship was in OK, their divorce was on the cards.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 01:23

But how would you know if you don't use social media yourself?

I don't get the couple gushing but I don't follow people who do it, if you have an issue stop following them

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 27/02/2024 01:08

I feel sorry for people like that

DorisDoesDoncaster · 26/02/2024 23:44

Agree. A relative of mine is an influencer and was often posting photos of him with the future wife, regarding the upcoming nuptials. What he didn’t post was how they would have furious rows, not speak for days or weeks (during which time he would post about the cat). The wedding is now off as she’s ditched him for the local wacky baccy dealer 😵‍💫

Fionaville · 26/02/2024 23:23

I've found that to be mostly true. The most awful person I know is absolutely loved on Facebook. She has about a thousand friends so has hundreds of comments, constantly telling her how amazing she is. And the gushing 'me and my hubby/date night' posts are constant. When the truth is, she's really quite abusive to him and he tells her all the time that he hates her and if it wasnt for their child, he'd leave. But according to 99% of her Facebook friends, they are 'relationship goals' and it's just so wonderful to see.
She's as fake in real life too. She's over the top lovely and nice. As soon as the person leaves, she will spill forth the most nasty comments about them. Its really quite something to witness.

spicedlemonpie · 26/02/2024 23:19

OMG yes so many i have seen do this.
One couple i know of dont even live together hes cheated twice lost count with the men shs had.
But yet online its rainbows and sunshine love you your the best your my world pic pic pic bla bla bla.
Another couple play rich i mean debt over their heads just to look the part to have fancy things and holidays.
Even go as far as going to places taking a pic and walk back out.
Both claim uc.
Hes cheated 4 times but she forgives him because hes so controlling what he says goes end of.
She like a puppet and he has the string but online you would never believe it they look so happy shes really not.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 26/02/2024 22:33

I'm just not really interested in relationships I see on SM. If I do see lots of needy posts I'd just snooze or unfollow as it's annoying. If it was a close friend and a genuine happy announcement then I'd be happy for them but cba with relationship virtue signalling or any performative broadcasts.

mondaytosunday · 26/02/2024 22:25

A friend's daughter is in a relationship that's a bit rocky currently. But look at their Valentine's Day posting on FB 'love of my life' etc, and you wouldn't know that she cheated on him three months ago! The more they are public the more they are not in private!
Most of my friends don't post stuff about/to each other, in fact you'd barely know they had another half!

Original poster
JayJa · 26/02/2024 22:15

Isitautumnyet23 · 26/02/2024 15:08

I post what I want to on SM - if I love the photo, it was a nice day, feeling happy etc - i’ll post it. I couldn’t care if it was seen to be too lovey dovey/bragging/showing off etc. That’s someone elses perception and not something that should concern me.

The only thing I am concious of is not being on SM too much as we all have those friends that need to do a daily post. We work all week so im most likely to post a few photos at the weekend and I would never worry or care what anyone thought of them. I take everyones happy photos at face value.

However, it is odd that your friend would complain to you about her marriage, then post happy photos. But are they working through problems? Maybe she was happy in that moment and wanted to enjoy it?

Their entire relationship has been one problem after the other but I won't go into the details. The overly slushy posts are an attempt to throw any suspicion off the true reality of their relationship. I feel that people who are secure in their relationships don't need false affirmation from people who don't know any better.

OP posts:
Wherehas2023gone · 26/02/2024 21:30

My DH only posts photos of boats, I’m going to take that as a positive for our relationship! (Every now and then I’ll like one of the photos, but never love or comment!)

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 21:26

fourelementary · 26/02/2024 11:18

Yup. A lovely friend of mine was posting about her “soul mate” of a husband just weeks before they split and she told us all the truth about her shitshow of a marriage. Sadly she is now with another complete asshole who is abusive and mentally unwell, yet the SM posts continue, making them out to be couple of the year. #blessed

Who are they trying to convince???

Themselves.

Titsywoo · 26/02/2024 21:24

I don't know anyone who does this tbh. But then noone I know seems to post on SM anymore. Plenty of them are in toxic relationships though!

Bitchinabonnet · 26/02/2024 20:47

At least on FB you know the identity of the person/couple and therefore have an idea of if they are full of BS .
On Mumsnet I am very cynical about those who brag about how wonderful their relationship is / how wealthy they are / the exotic holidays they go on etc . It could all be lies . Who would know ?

paddlinglikecrazy · 26/02/2024 20:06

Yep, we’re friends with another family that constantly post happy selfies of the two of them or the kids posing. Tag everywhere they ever go on FB, every meal they eat out and day trips or holidays require multiple posts per visit. If you didn’t know them well you’d think their lives were perfect.
They are always screaming and shouting at each other in real life. All really highly strung and not very happy.
It’s strange they feel the need to portray themselves as living this idyllic life.

TheBayLady · 26/02/2024 15:56

It is the same with all the celeb phot spreads in magazines and newspapers, all loved up and playing the perfect couple/family then 2 weeks later they have split, he's a cheat and she is telling us he was the worst ever.

BeaRF75 · 26/02/2024 15:28

We don't even follow each other on SM! I think he has a Facebook account, but I don't use Facebook.
I have different channels that I use, but he never goes on SM, and pretty much despises it.
We have been married a long time - we don't need to share anything with the rest of the world.

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 26/02/2024 15:24

I don't say it online (other than lovey dovey Valentines or birthday posts) but I will talk about my happy life til the cows come home! I love to big up my husband but that's because he is the most amazing guy ever. The only way I could wish he was better would be if he was a millionaire too.

That said, I do think that half the influencer type crap you see online is absolute horse shit.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 26/02/2024 15:22

Devonshiregal · 26/02/2024 13:15

So my experience is that the people in toxic relationships are really happy in those moments (read trauma bonded).

toxicity leads to an up/down volatility in a relationship where the good is really really good because the bad is so awful.

when you’re in an actually good relationship, you are just less intense period. That’s because you don’t have the gut wrenching pain of them treating you like crap and threatening to abandon you, and therefore you don’t clamber after them like a beaten, lovesick puppy.

a big fight means a big make up. This is what you’re seeing in these posts - the make up, we’re “soul mates” moments. As a hypothetical example: a man smacks his wife and tells her she’s worthless, her self esteem is in tatters…five hours later he rocks up telling her that he loves her and they’re meant to be together forever so she clambers into his arms and they kiss and cuddle and agree to take the kids to the park and they have a fantastic time and it’s all smiles and rainbows and she takes photos and posts them to Facebook to show off her glorious family. And then she wakes up the next morning, spills some tea and he calls her worthless, smacks her and threatens to leave her. And so the cycle goes on.

what you’re seeing in those posts with the big smiles and love hearts IS toxicity and abuse.

Edited

This. 100%. I remember being so bemused by the extravagant loved up posts. It felt so fake and phoney. But now I realise that it was part of this exact cycle.

In her case, it was also partly part of the way he abused her - a key factor of his controlling personality was that she constantly had to prove she loved him, focused on him etc. It meant that she had to tie herself in knots to prove that going to the gym, meeting a friend, working late wasn't because she didn't love him and want to be with him. How she greeted him in the mornings or when she got in was a huge issue - she could come in with bags of shopping, and a sick child after working for 12 hours and he'd sulk if she didn't greet hi with a huge smile, a hug and a kiss. And social media posting was another "test" for her - "why didn't you post about me on fathers day? Don't you love me? Do you think I'm a shit dad?"

In HIS case, I realise now, he was posting those things as part of his cycle of abuse. So he'd call her names, send her a stream of abusive messages and then she'd be completely blindsided by a Facebook post in which he talked about gorgeous she is and how she's made his life so much better. Complete mind fuck.

Abeona · 26/02/2024 15:17

We always know when a certain couple are having issues because they start doing the old 'so blessed to have this wonderful man/ woman as the love of my life...' number.

Isitautumnyet23 · 26/02/2024 15:08

I post what I want to on SM - if I love the photo, it was a nice day, feeling happy etc - i’ll post it. I couldn’t care if it was seen to be too lovey dovey/bragging/showing off etc. That’s someone elses perception and not something that should concern me.

The only thing I am concious of is not being on SM too much as we all have those friends that need to do a daily post. We work all week so im most likely to post a few photos at the weekend and I would never worry or care what anyone thought of them. I take everyones happy photos at face value.

However, it is odd that your friend would complain to you about her marriage, then post happy photos. But are they working through problems? Maybe she was happy in that moment and wanted to enjoy it?

Muddywalks34 · 26/02/2024 14:56

There is a couple who live in my village who I know a little and am FB friends with, they holiday a lot but seem to spend most of their time posting what they are doing on FB and then discussing something to do with it in the comments (photos of food and then a dialogue about how amazing it was and what they enjoyed most), it’s so bizarre , why not just enjoy your holiday and talk to each other rather than through FB and post your pics if you must when you get home). I actually think that despite the regular gushing of
live towards each other they must be the most unhappy couple I have ever met. I would be livid if my husband and I went for a meal together and instead of speaking to me he spent his time on the phone, maybe they like to think they are showing the world how lucky they are but I just pity them.

NarcissaMalfoysManicure · 26/02/2024 14:56

There are a few chronically-online celeb wives that do this, a couple in particular, where the women talk about how AMAZING their partner is and how FREQUENT their sex is and how much FUN they have together - except there is always a cheating history and/or multiple breakups in their recent past and most of the pictures of the husband are taken without his knowledge.

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