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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH sulking.... AIBU?

40 replies

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 20:24

DH has a hobby who goes to three days a week when the children are at nursery. Today he said he wants to add a Sunday as more people attend on weekends it's more social. However, I think this is excessive and meant I am left with both children half of the day. Which should be fine if it's unavoidable, or it's the only day he can do it. I said as much and he thinks IABU as he does look after the children between nursery and my return home (which is always in time for bath and bed) from work the one/two days I work from office. I feel that I can't avoid commuting time but he can avoid a fourth day for a hobby and not sacrifice family time as the weekends are the only time all of us spend meaningful time together. He's sulking now and not talking to me. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Snugglemonkey · 24/02/2024 23:14

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 20:29

Considering the other times he goes doesn't affect anyone I don't see the issue.

But every bit of time away from the family affects everyone. Is he doing half of all the everything? Might he spend some of that hobby time pulling his weight in the house? Or is he doing his fair share?

Do you get the same time away from the family op?

Gobolina · 24/02/2024 21:37

TeaKitten · 24/02/2024 21:01

If he goes 3 times a week then he can drop one time to go Sunday instead, he doesn’t need to add an extra day, just swap one. Seems more fair

The three times he currently goes are when the kids are in nursery and op is at work. He's on point with household jobs so the only objection to him going on a Sunday is that it cuts into family time.

Loubelle70 · 24/02/2024 21:36

YouJustDoYou · 24/02/2024 20:45

Fucking man hobbies. Every single fucking time.

This.
Get a hobby yourself op for 4 days wk... He won't be as happy as you think.. Because... He will have to be home instead... There's not 8 days in a week.

carelesser · 24/02/2024 21:09

So you left travel for this cocklodging twat and work two jobs and he gets to choose his hours and do hobbies.

Something feels very off here. You have all the stress and he has all the ease.

Sulking and silent treatment is emotional abuse, assess if this twat is really worth these sacrifices.

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 21:04

Knit1Purl · 24/02/2024 20:56

If he is self employed and can fit his hobby into three days when you are at work and cover child care, I think you are a bit unreasonable to refuse half a day at the weekend. You are choosing to do all the work commitments. Think about it, if you split up you'd be left to care for the children far more than now. In a few years when the children are at school, it will be your turn to fit in a hobby.

I see your point. I am choosing to make all the work commitments but in agreement with him. We made this plan together. So it's a bit unfair to say I have to accommodate him as I already do. In many other things. He travels for work, I stopped travelling to facilitate his. He has far more social life than I do. Which is fair, as I am in this season of graft right now. It's ok it will pass. But I just don't appreciate the wanting to spend less time with family and also making me feel like I am being unattractive as I don't have much life outside of family and work. This is just where I am right now. It won't be forever. I am ok with it. It's sad that he's not.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 24/02/2024 21:01

If he goes 3 times a week then he can drop one time to go Sunday instead, he doesn’t need to add an extra day, just swap one. Seems more fair

Myopicglass · 24/02/2024 21:00

Just read your update. Perfect yoga out of the house. Or a course teaching yoga. Or Pilates or a martial art or gym
membership for weightlifting and audio book listening 😂. Train for a marathon. Cycling.

No you don’t want to do it, but at the moment he is reasonable and you seem unreasonable. So take him up on his offer.

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 20:59

Yummymummy2020 · 24/02/2024 20:56

Your husband needs to get a right land op! I wouldn’t accommodate this potential set up at all. Especially after the you need to be more energised nonsense. Maybe you would be if he didn’t take the piss. I’m sure there are some things that would need doing aside from his hobby when the kids are at nursery? I hope he pulls his weight with all the day to day stuff. I have young kids so I fully understand the insane amount of work it takes to keep everyone alive and work!

Oh listen, he pulls his wight alright. I am able to do the things I do, which are of course benefits to our family but really fulfilling for me, because he's a good partner and a good father. He made a choice to work less and be with kids before they started nursery full time. So it meant we were spending less and he got to bind with them well. But I am talking about four months. He's really good at home with doing his share, sometime more when I can't. I just feel a bit hurt that I need to be all this things and more to be a good wife and mum. It's not unusual for women but it's bloody exhausting!

OP posts:
Galeforcewindatmywindow · 24/02/2024 20:59

Can't wait to see how he manages when 2 dc also have hobbies to fit into the week...

Myopicglass · 24/02/2024 20:56

Take up a hobby four days a week. You don’t want to but it’s the only way. At present it’s easy for him to say ‘i would do it for you’. He knows you would not do it.

So sacrifice family time and take up a 4 times a week hobby out of the house.

Knit1Purl · 24/02/2024 20:56

If he is self employed and can fit his hobby into three days when you are at work and cover child care, I think you are a bit unreasonable to refuse half a day at the weekend. You are choosing to do all the work commitments. Think about it, if you split up you'd be left to care for the children far more than now. In a few years when the children are at school, it will be your turn to fit in a hobby.

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 20:56

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/02/2024 20:53

When do you suggest she take the time?

All day Saturday, half day Sunday, or any evening midweek.

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 20:56

Ha! Ok fair re the hobby name. It's rowing.

For those of you saying get a hobby. My hobbies are related to my work unfortunately. I enjoy what I do and I spend a lot of time studying it. Unfortunately I am not a sporty person. I am very fit, just not in to exercising. I do yoga at home and that's enough for me. You can't change who you are!! I am happy with my life and who I am. It feels oppressive to have to change to please someone else of to be attractive to them! Surely

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 24/02/2024 20:56

Your husband needs to get a right land op! I wouldn’t accommodate this potential set up at all. Especially after the you need to be more energised nonsense. Maybe you would be if he didn’t take the piss. I’m sure there are some things that would need doing aside from his hobby when the kids are at nursery? I hope he pulls his weight with all the day to day stuff. I have young kids so I fully understand the insane amount of work it takes to keep everyone alive and work!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/02/2024 20:53

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 20:52

It sounds like you're just begrudging him. Just make time for yourself too and job done.

When do you suggest she take the time?

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 20:52

It sounds like you're just begrudging him. Just make time for yourself too and job done.

NamelessNancy · 24/02/2024 20:50

He wants you to be more energised so you are more attractive to him? Whilst working two jobs, raising young children and facilitating his (imo excessive given your kids' ages) hobby time? WTF?

Direstraightsagain · 24/02/2024 20:49

Each weekend is too much when children are small.
I'm not sure why you’re not saying what the hobby is? It’s only for a few years when the kids are small that it so important to have the help. The moment they’re about 10 it’s fine as they are more able to entertain themselves.
For the few years I. Between - Why can’t he do the hobby every other weekend and you get time on the other weekend. Then in a few years you will probably be pleased to be rid of him for an morning / afternoon 😀

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 24/02/2024 20:48

After your update I think you need a hobby even more. It can be a free one like rambling/ Hill walking. You absolutely have to make time for yourself. No-one else will organise it or suggest it for you. And you will be a better mother/partner for it.

SKG231 · 24/02/2024 20:47

how much does he work?

Chocolateorange11 · 24/02/2024 20:47

I have a fitness hobby that I dedicated loads of time to pre baby. I now do 3 x a week at 6am plus one weekend early morning so it doesn’t impact family life. I’d love to do more but not at the expense of my children!

Can he get up early and reduce the amount of time he ‘trains’ to lessen the impact on family time.

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 20:47

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 20:44

Why do you work 2 jobs? What hours does he work?

It's a long story, but when I was on maternity an opportunity presented itself and it was too good to pass. I was also planning to go part time in my regular job so it seemed the right combination. It still is for many reasons , not least finances, but also provides me with amazing career opportunities in future if I can stick in it for a couple of years. So it's an investment.

He is self employed so has control of his hours.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 24/02/2024 20:46

Why is everyone so coy about naming hobbies. Knowing what it is is hardly exposing you in real.life and would be helpful to know in order to respond accordingly . As it is you may or not be being unreasonable

carelesser · 24/02/2024 20:46

kokomilan · 24/02/2024 20:41

I mean, he says he would accommodate me if I wanted to do the same. But how does the math work there? Something had to give. I also have a much more stressful job and responsibilities that means I sometimes have to work evenings.
He actually told me that I need to be more energised as he finds that attractive and have things to do. Before you come at me, let me paint you a picture: we have two children under three. I work two jobs and therefore am the main earner and have been doing an upgrade paper for a PhD ( part time) which I had to give up when I got pregnant with our first child. Honestly, it's not that I don't want hobbies, but I accept that until we can financially be a bit more secured, e.g kids out of nursery, then I have to keep pushing Ann's I am happy with that. But this attitude of his I find selfish and a bit hurtful to be honest. I don't know may be I am wrong. Tell me, I am willing to listen to advice.

He’s chatting shit, he KNOWS you don’t have time for hobbies and you won’t take 4 times a week off for hobbies.

Drop the rope and stop supporting him so much. Tell him to step the fuck up!

YouJustDoYou · 24/02/2024 20:45

Fucking man hobbies. Every single fucking time.