Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anonymous FB messages

156 replies

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:05

My ex and I broke up in 2022, when our little one was born. Things were quite volatile between us for a few months, a lot of arguing. However we've not spoken for well over a year.

Since the middle of last year, I've received a couple of anonymous Facebook messages, from two different accounts with different names, no profile pic etc.

The first one was along the lines of "Paul (not real name) has moved on, they've bought a house together, time for you to step back".

The latest one, last week was "Paul's got what he always wanted, a little boy, Oscar, time for you to disappear and let him move on with his family".

I don't speak to my ex at all and haven't done for over a year, bar the odd text mesaage in regards to our child. All contact with our child is done by him picking her up from nursery, keeping her overnight and dropping back to nursery the next day. I know nothing of his life these days however after the latest message, I did a bit of digging and it turns out he has had a kid, born recently. It rankled a little as our kid isn't even 2 yet, but we certainly weren't ever going to get back together, so whatever.

I'm actually feeling really unsettled by these messages. I don't know who is sending them, him? The new woman? We don't have mutual friends. I don't have anything to do with him so why would I care if he's bought a house and had a baby with someone.

Would I be unreasonable to go to the police about these messages? It's creeping me out knowing that there is someone who is contacting me but that I don't know who they are. Would the police even act and trace who it is and tell them to back off? I feel really....I don't know....invaded.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 24/02/2024 19:04

@BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam I know it's tempting but don't be 'playing them at their own game'.
F her Linkedin. F his shit.
You have contact with him over the kids only. If you react to it then they are winning. Totally ignore it. It's childish and awful but don't go to their level.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:50

BobbyBiscuits · 24/02/2024 18:40

It's either him or his new woman trying to be petty and pathetic AF. Are they in a primary school playground.
Take it as nonsense and block them. The police I think is a bit strong, but if it carries on I guess it could be classed as some type of stalking. I would show no evidence of it when you see your ex.
You have no involvement whatsoever in his life so keep it that way.

I know. He's 42 and holds a professional job and out of curiosity, I looked her up online after the latest message. Found her linkedin, going by the date that she graduated, she's 44/45 and she also holds down a professional job. Yet the messaging is just juvenile and weird. I just can't imagine him doing it and if she's not long had a baby, I can't imagine her having the time, inclination or mindspace to bother with these messages. So I'm thinking is it one of them? Or is it someone who holds some sort of grudge against me? I can't imagine who though.

OP posts:
Stormbornform · 24/02/2024 18:44

Screen shot and send him. Ask him if he knows about it because you are concerned by the reference to 'disappearing'. Tell him you're not sure why you are being sent these messages because you have no contact with him and are in his life only to communicate about your daughter but it sounds like whoever is behind the messages wants her out of the picture. Tell him you are keeping the messages and considering if you need to flag to the police. He'll know who it is and probably not being impressed either.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:42

I'm really not the type to be threatened by things like this, I can stand up for myself, it's just living on my own with my little one and not knowing who has some sort of vengeance against me. The more i think about it, the more worried I get.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 24/02/2024 18:41

You can change your settings on Facebook so only friends can message you. I'd do this so no one else can.

BobbyBiscuits · 24/02/2024 18:40

It's either him or his new woman trying to be petty and pathetic AF. Are they in a primary school playground.
Take it as nonsense and block them. The police I think is a bit strong, but if it carries on I guess it could be classed as some type of stalking. I would show no evidence of it when you see your ex.
You have no involvement whatsoever in his life so keep it that way.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:38

Createausername1970 · 24/02/2024 18:33

Yes. I would do this. Make it clear you are not accusing him, but if he has any idea where it's coming from, could he ensure it stops.

My money is on his mum or a sister. Not sure about the new partner because they would know you have no contact...... Unless he is using you as an excuse for not being at home.

Definitely not his mum, her and I had a really good relationship and she doesn't have a social media presence herself, uses an old Nokia phone ie no smart phone etc. Definitely not her. He doesn't have a sister or any close or semi close female relatives.

OP posts:
YoureALizardHarry11 · 24/02/2024 18:36

I bet it’s his new partner acting like a jealous saddo. Tell her how pathetic she is and keep blocking. She’s clearly threatened by you. Who the fuck even has time for that sort of thing? I will never understand 🤣

Createausername1970 · 24/02/2024 18:33

Fionaville · 24/02/2024 18:17

I'd screenshot them and send them to him. Asking if he knows who is sending them.
I'd be concerned about who my DD was staying with. I assume it's the new woman and if that's the case, she's in the role of your DDs step mum. It sounds like she doesn't want your ex to have DD there. So I'd have to ask the questions.

Yes. I would do this. Make it clear you are not accusing him, but if he has any idea where it's coming from, could he ensure it stops.

My money is on his mum or a sister. Not sure about the new partner because they would know you have no contact...... Unless he is using you as an excuse for not being at home.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 18:33

I agree with screenshotting them and sending them to him except I’d say that you are planning on reporting to the police if a third one is sent.

GuinnessBird · 24/02/2024 18:32

I don't necessarily think it's him sending the messages, if it's his current partner then he might be unaware that she's batshit.

Screenshot them and send them to him.

Fionaville · 24/02/2024 18:29

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:25

Very much so. But what can I do about it? If I cut contcet then he'll go to courts to get access and gain it, as hes not abusive, a danger to her etc. After several months of a break between them, it would be so confusing snd unsettling for her to then go back to contact with him.

It's reasonable for you to send him the messages and tell him your concerns though. You don't have to be confrontational about it. You can just say you want to make sure whoever is sending them isn't somebody who might have contact with your DD

Ladybyrd · 24/02/2024 18:29

Fionaville · 24/02/2024 18:17

I'd screenshot them and send them to him. Asking if he knows who is sending them.
I'd be concerned about who my DD was staying with. I assume it's the new woman and if that's the case, she's in the role of your DDs step mum. It sounds like she doesn't want your ex to have DD there. So I'd have to ask the questions.

Same here. It's good that you've been able to negotiate ccontact without any drama, but it sounds as though his partner (or possibly someone else) is intent on stirring the pot. My child staying with them would make me uneasy if that's the case and I would show him and ask him for his input. It could be someone else though - a friend or relative of hers perhaps.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 24/02/2024 18:28

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:25

Very much so. But what can I do about it? If I cut contcet then he'll go to courts to get access and gain it, as hes not abusive, a danger to her etc. After several months of a break between them, it would be so confusing snd unsettling for her to then go back to contact with him.

I would consider it a pretty serious safeguarding concern that he didn't tell you he had another child (and partner?) and that he was living with them while having contact with your 2yo toddler.

Do you even know his address?

ohskedaddle · 24/02/2024 18:27

I'd screen shot it and send to him, ask him who he thinks might be sending them. Sounds like it could be his new partner but I didn't know you could send anonymous messages on fb.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:25

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 24/02/2024 18:22

Does it not bother you that you know nothing about where your DD is staying to the point that you didn't know she had a new sibling?

Very much so. But what can I do about it? If I cut contcet then he'll go to courts to get access and gain it, as hes not abusive, a danger to her etc. After several months of a break between them, it would be so confusing snd unsettling for her to then go back to contact with him.

OP posts:
EmilyTjP · 24/02/2024 18:24

Speckledpasta · 24/02/2024 18:22

It's almost certainly the new woman feeling threatened.

Not a police matter though.

This. Definitely not a police matter.

Just ignore them. Or laugh that someone feels threatened by you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/02/2024 18:23

Fionaville · 24/02/2024 18:17

I'd screenshot them and send them to him. Asking if he knows who is sending them.
I'd be concerned about who my DD was staying with. I assume it's the new woman and if that's the case, she's in the role of your DDs step mum. It sounds like she doesn't want your ex to have DD there. So I'd have to ask the questions.

This.

Screenshot and send to him saying you'll report to the police if it continues.

I'd also be telling him these type of messages may raise potential welfare concerns that he should be aware of should he wish to continue with contact.

Speckledpasta · 24/02/2024 18:22

It's almost certainly the new woman feeling threatened.

Not a police matter though.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 24/02/2024 18:22

Does it not bother you that you know nothing about where your DD is staying to the point that you didn't know she had a new sibling?

TequilaNights · 24/02/2024 18:21

Just change your settings on Facebook so only people you know can message you.

Dont even give it another thought.

RosaBaby2 · 24/02/2024 18:20

Maybe he tells her he has been coming to see your DD but is lying about it?

mamabelli · 24/02/2024 18:19

If you’re really un-nerved by them then maybe just send to your ex and ask if he knows anything about it. I think maybe his new partner doesn’t trust him - I had similar when my ex left me when I was 6 months pregnant and I used to get messages of a similar nature and phone calls in the middle of the night. Bloody annoying if anything as I didn’t want the cheating knob back plus I had a newborn that kept getting woken up at all hours!

DontBeAPrickDarren · 24/02/2024 18:19

YWBU to contact the police. Surely the logical next step is to post screen shots to your ex and let him know you’ve had some weird messages?

ThrowMeABonio · 24/02/2024 18:19

Fionaville · 24/02/2024 18:17

I'd screenshot them and send them to him. Asking if he knows who is sending them.
I'd be concerned about who my DD was staying with. I assume it's the new woman and if that's the case, she's in the role of your DDs step mum. It sounds like she doesn't want your ex to have DD there. So I'd have to ask the questions.

This. If your child had no contact, then I’d just ignore them. But this is a bit concerning. Also, the “disappear” reference is pretty close to a threat, even though likely an empty one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread