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Original poster

Anonymous FB messages

156 replies

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:05

My ex and I broke up in 2022, when our little one was born. Things were quite volatile between us for a few months, a lot of arguing. However we've not spoken for well over a year.

Since the middle of last year, I've received a couple of anonymous Facebook messages, from two different accounts with different names, no profile pic etc.

The first one was along the lines of "Paul (not real name) has moved on, they've bought a house together, time for you to step back".

The latest one, last week was "Paul's got what he always wanted, a little boy, Oscar, time for you to disappear and let him move on with his family".

I don't speak to my ex at all and haven't done for over a year, bar the odd text mesaage in regards to our child. All contact with our child is done by him picking her up from nursery, keeping her overnight and dropping back to nursery the next day. I know nothing of his life these days however after the latest message, I did a bit of digging and it turns out he has had a kid, born recently. It rankled a little as our kid isn't even 2 yet, but we certainly weren't ever going to get back together, so whatever.

I'm actually feeling really unsettled by these messages. I don't know who is sending them, him? The new woman? We don't have mutual friends. I don't have anything to do with him so why would I care if he's bought a house and had a baby with someone.

Would I be unreasonable to go to the police about these messages? It's creeping me out knowing that there is someone who is contacting me but that I don't know who they are. Would the police even act and trace who it is and tell them to back off? I feel really....I don't know....invaded.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 23:57

pastypirate · 24/02/2024 23:30

Hmm might go against the grain a bit. If it was me then removing fb would make me worry they will find another way to contact me.

The disappearing bit made me think if it's the current partner she wants the bloke to stop seeing your dd his daughter- since that's the only present contact he has with you. The letting them be a family made me think that too. It's either her or someone close to her.

I'm assuming that your dd returns to you happy and clean and her presentation in all areas is good.

He doesn't know my current address, I've since moved from when we last had face to face contact. He does have my phone number but that's about it.

I am concerned that if it is her, she wants my daughter out of his life..I'm not sure what he'd do if that's what she wanted. He's very much a happy man if a woman is giving him and easy life and sex; if that's what he's getting from her then he may distance himself from our child to keep the easy life he has with her. I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 23:54

castawave · 24/02/2024 23:35

Can you not arrange to meet him for a coffee and have an adult conversation about your child, arrangements and finances going forward, and find out more about the environment your child is in when they are not with you.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to discuss the messages face to face as well

There's no way we could be face to face. I've spent the past 18 months or so since we last saw one another trying to heal from how awful he was to me during pregnancy. I ended up having to put him out of the house as even though we had broken up, he was still coming to stay with me for 3 or 4 days a week to help with our baby. But he was messaging other women while he was with us, blowing hot and cold with me, telling me how I was his favourite person and being lovely then blowing cold again the next day. He destroyed me mentally and its taken a long time to build myself up again. So long answer but no, we couldn't be face to face.

Things have worked fine by simply using text message to communicate so far, these fb messages are a fairly new thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 23:48

pastypirate · 24/02/2024 23:30

Hmm might go against the grain a bit. If it was me then removing fb would make me worry they will find another way to contact me.

The disappearing bit made me think if it's the current partner she wants the bloke to stop seeing your dd his daughter- since that's the only present contact he has with you. The letting them be a family made me think that too. It's either her or someone close to her.

I'm assuming that your dd returns to you happy and clean and her presentation in all areas is good.

Well now that you mention it... the past couple of times she's returned from overnights, she's been unsettled. Standing at doors and cupboards breaking her little heart. Sometimes saying dada. It's heartbreaking but I assumed that it was because he's recently started doing a couple of overnights in a row and she was unsettled due to this and missing him. I did suggest to him that we go back down to one night at a time for the time being to see if thst helps at all but he wasn't keen, he wanted the 2 nights.. However as I type this, I'm starting to think.

She does come back clean and tidy, I ask him to do things with her ie she's under physio and they've given me activities and exercises, he says he does them all and the way he's described the activites she's best at etc tallies with what i know about what she's s best at, so i trust that he's doing them with her. He most definitely isn't the type of person who would be bad to a child. I obviously don't know this woman but she surely wouldn't be bad to a 1 year old, she's the sweetest little girl. I need to give this all a proper think.

OP posts:
castawave · 24/02/2024 23:35

Can you not arrange to meet him for a coffee and have an adult conversation about your child, arrangements and finances going forward, and find out more about the environment your child is in when they are not with you.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to discuss the messages face to face as well

justanothermanicmonday1 · 24/02/2024 23:30

I would send him the screenshots.

However, I wouldn't be accusatory.

I'd keep it simple and just say "listen, I've recently had two messages which I think you should be aware of. If you have any idea in who this could be, tell them from me to please stop, we're all just trying to move on with our lives. Cheers"

pastypirate · 24/02/2024 23:30

Hmm might go against the grain a bit. If it was me then removing fb would make me worry they will find another way to contact me.

The disappearing bit made me think if it's the current partner she wants the bloke to stop seeing your dd his daughter- since that's the only present contact he has with you. The letting them be a family made me think that too. It's either her or someone close to her.

I'm assuming that your dd returns to you happy and clean and her presentation in all areas is good.

lto2019 · 24/02/2024 23:15

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 24/02/2024 18:28

I would consider it a pretty serious safeguarding concern that he didn't tell you he had another child (and partner?) and that he was living with them while having contact with your 2yo toddler.

Do you even know his address?

Show quote history

I would contact him - include the messages and outline what lifebegins says - that you have safeguarding concerns because of these messages and someone connected to him must have sent them. I would ask him to look into it.

I suspect it is the new partner but I also suspect she will try to suggest your jealous that he is with her and sent them yourself.

You could suggest you are going to see if an IT tech can do some digging - and if it is the new girlfriend make her nervous enough to believe they could find it is her and it makes her stop.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 21:58

ElizabethCage · 24/02/2024 20:41

Is he paying child maintenance as they should tell you he’s had another child.
I would screen shot them, send to him with a message like ‘I’ve known your situation for a while, I haven’t mentioned it to you because I genuinely don’t care so could you please stop whoever is sending these pathetic messages. Thanks’

He is but on an informal basis so it doesn't going through the child maintenance service.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 21:57

GuinnessBird · 24/02/2024 21:46

If you were logged into Linkedin she will know you viewed her profile.

Then maybe she'll twig that I'm onto her and leave me alone.

OP posts:
GuinnessBird · 24/02/2024 21:46

If you were logged into Linkedin she will know you viewed her profile.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 21:12

mumda · 24/02/2024 21:01

Lock Facebook down.
Check you've done that right.

Screen grab the messages and send to him with a polite but brief note.

And stop looking at people on LinkedIn.

Edited

I've deleted my facebook, I really don't have the energy to be dealing with this and it's making me quite nervy. Hopefully that's the end of it.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 24/02/2024 21:10

I don't think there's enough to the Police with but I do agree that you need to raise this with him.

I'd also be tempted to reply and state that you have nothing to do with him outside of essential communication re DC and not to ever contact you again. Then block.

I agree it's probably the new partner, her Dsis or friend.

mumda · 24/02/2024 21:01

Lock Facebook down.
Check you've done that right.

Screen grab the messages and send to him with a polite but brief note.

And stop looking at people on LinkedIn.

Yummymummy2020 · 24/02/2024 20:50

Op this is awful behaviour from whoever it is. I agree with other posters it’s likely his girlfriend. If she has only had a baby maybe she actually does have too much time on her hands! She could be awake all night even if the baby is asleep and she could be alone in the day with the baby asleep too. Possibly aswell as others said that he is using your child as an excuse to cheat on her!!! I would send him them and let him know your not best pleased as it’s clearly from his side whoever it is!

ElizabethCage · 24/02/2024 20:41

Is he paying child maintenance as they should tell you he’s had another child.
I would screen shot them, send to him with a message like ‘I’ve known your situation for a while, I haven’t mentioned it to you because I genuinely don’t care so could you please stop whoever is sending these pathetic messages. Thanks’

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 20:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/02/2024 20:27

"Time for you to disappear" when you haven't spoken in so long is really horrible. How much time was there between the messages?

Is your ex a reasonable guy?

He was a reasonable guy but he changes like a chameleon depending on who he's with, so I don't know anymore tbh. There was about 3 or 4 months between the messages.

I've just deleted my entire Facebook account, I don't want anymore of this. I don't use it too much, so no big loss. I'll send him a message to tell him about the messages and that I want it to stop and hopefully that'll be the end of it.

OP posts:
Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 24/02/2024 20:38

Or he’s shagging about and using your dc as an excuse and new partner thinks he’s seeing you. Anyway, sending him the messages is a good call

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 24/02/2024 20:32

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2024 20:26

Don't report to the police they have enough on their plate.
Send it to Facebook.

Ignore fr from people you don't know. Lock down your settings as said.
Don't mention it. Ignore.

Not to start a row on here, but I really don’t agree with this. When my ex’s girlfriend escalated her behaviour against me and I had to involve the police. The first thing they asked me was ‘why didn’t you report this sooner’ and her behaviour started with the same incidents. Malicious messages, repeated adds from fake accounts, LinkedIn views etc. It started with bizarre low level cyber stalking then escalated.

If you report online you have the option to report it as a non crime. The most you’ll get back is a phone-call to check everything’s okay. But most importantly you’ll have a record of the crimes and crime ref numbers.

If it doesn’t escalate then no harm done. Hopefully if you ask ex about it they’ll both be embarrassed and it’ll stop.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/02/2024 20:27

"Time for you to disappear" when you haven't spoken in so long is really horrible. How much time was there between the messages?

Is your ex a reasonable guy?

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2024 20:26

Don't report to the police they have enough on their plate.
Send it to Facebook.

Ignore fr from people you don't know. Lock down your settings as said.
Don't mention it. Ignore.

MzHz · 24/02/2024 20:22

I’d be tempted to print them off, and put a note with them and put them on dd’s person so Ex sees them. Note to say something like “look, I’m getting these messages, I’m sure its not you, but just so you know, there’s been another attempt this week so will go to police as it’s freaking me out.

id also add, for the record, I’m happy for you if you’re happy, and i wish you all the best etc etc

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 24/02/2024 20:16

Well it’s definitely her or him isn’t it. My moneys on her, my ex has a girlfriend of almost 40 that does similar inane rubbish.

I would report to the police online, it sounds overkill but it’ll help in the long run if this escalates at all. Then you’ve got a paper trail of when it started happening and what happened.

If it doesn’t escalate past this then never mind, you’ve not wasted anyone’s time reporting an incident without crime online.

Also agree with PP to send him some screenshots, maybe ask him if he knows what this might be about and can he step in to prevent a third message being sent.

IncompleteSenten · 24/02/2024 19:08

It really would be best to screenshot everything and ask him about it. Tell him it's very unnerving and does he have any idea who would be sending them. If he says no then tell him it is concerning and you will take them to the police as you'd like them to be aware in case this escalated.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 19:04

I've just this second received a friend request from a random account with no profile pic. I will do as pps have advised, and close down my Facebook as much as possible.

OP posts:
Moonlightdust · 24/02/2024 19:04

Screenshot and send to him.