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Original poster

Anonymous FB messages

156 replies

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 24/02/2024 18:05

My ex and I broke up in 2022, when our little one was born. Things were quite volatile between us for a few months, a lot of arguing. However we've not spoken for well over a year.

Since the middle of last year, I've received a couple of anonymous Facebook messages, from two different accounts with different names, no profile pic etc.

The first one was along the lines of "Paul (not real name) has moved on, they've bought a house together, time for you to step back".

The latest one, last week was "Paul's got what he always wanted, a little boy, Oscar, time for you to disappear and let him move on with his family".

I don't speak to my ex at all and haven't done for over a year, bar the odd text mesaage in regards to our child. All contact with our child is done by him picking her up from nursery, keeping her overnight and dropping back to nursery the next day. I know nothing of his life these days however after the latest message, I did a bit of digging and it turns out he has had a kid, born recently. It rankled a little as our kid isn't even 2 yet, but we certainly weren't ever going to get back together, so whatever.

I'm actually feeling really unsettled by these messages. I don't know who is sending them, him? The new woman? We don't have mutual friends. I don't have anything to do with him so why would I care if he's bought a house and had a baby with someone.

Would I be unreasonable to go to the police about these messages? It's creeping me out knowing that there is someone who is contacting me but that I don't know who they are. Would the police even act and trace who it is and tell them to back off? I feel really....I don't know....invaded.

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Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 26/02/2024 18:50

TotoroElla · 26/02/2024 18:35

He's a real coward, isn't he?

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The shittiest coward I've ever met.

OP posts:
TotoroElla · 26/02/2024 18:35

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 11:12

Well this is my main concern - these are massive changes in a childs life, especially a 1 year old who can't understand what's going on and he has chosen the easiest path, keeping it all hush hush, instead of being honest with me, as awkward as it may be, explaining that he's already had another baby with someone while our child is still only 1 year old.

I messaged him a month or two back saying that she had been unsettled the past couple of times she had returned to me and that I was concerned that the increase in nights was what was unsettling her. He still chose to say nothing at that point, instead blaming her being unsettled on potentially a growth spurt.

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He's a real coward, isn't he?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 26/02/2024 00:06

I think his new woman feels insecure and possibly jealous, about his first family. "She" sounds rather stupid sending messages like that. I'd screenshot them and save them, and not worry over it.

PawsisShady · 25/02/2024 23:41

I don't get the issue over not knowing the address. If it was a situation where OP had left an abusive man, nobody would be posting telling the man he deserves to know the address

What would people post if OP had said
"I have left an abusive and violent partner and he wants to know who my daughter is in contact with, about my new baby, new partner, my full address, if she shares a room..." people would be saying tell him to fuck off

Codlingmoths · 25/02/2024 22:45

You can also ask the daycare if they’ve seen any behaviour changes from her and to please let you know if they do, you’ve seen some.

Pantsonfire5 · 25/02/2024 22:40

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 22:30

I do appreciate what you're saying. To be honest, I don't really have much feelings, good or bad, towards him. More just feelings of disappointment at the kind of man he's turned out to be is all. My hesitancy at meeting up with him is mainly due to the fact that he pretty much destroyed me when he acted as he did when I was weeks/very early months post partum and he was pissing off for 3 nights every week (even though we were separated at that point) and clearly meeting up with other women. Along with messaging them/this new woman when my child was weeks old. It was very very hurtful, even though i don't know if i had the right to feel hurt as we weren't actually together at that point.

I've worked so hard to move on from that level of hurt and mental pain he caused me and I'm in a pretty good place now and doing well. I'm just scared that seeing him will, I don't know, stir up those old feelings of overwhelming hurt and put me right back to that place where I was mentally, following her birth. If I did get in that headspace again then I wouldn't be at my best for my daughter, which I need to be.

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I do understand and I'm sure you've had a tough time and are doing your best. Hopefully with a few more months of healing you'll feel able to have a bit more contact, maybe with another neutral person there to facilitate.

Towerofsong · 25/02/2024 22:35

Moveoverdarlin · 25/02/2024 00:18

It’s worrying that there is a Mum and Dad to a one year old little girl and neither know where she lives when she’s not with them. That is just beyond comprehend-able to me.

You have no idea where she is when she’s not with you? You don’t know this woman who lives with your child two nights a week? They have a newborn baby, but you didn’t know. Does your daughter sleep through the night with them? Does the baby wake her? Do they have separate rooms for the two babies? I can’t get my head around the fact you don’t know the answers to any of these questions. You need to meet him face to face, you need better communication, this is all far more of a worry than anonymous messages. You don’t know where your baby is when she’s not with you????

This!!!

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 22:30

Pantsonfire5 · 25/02/2024 22:17

In the nicest possible way I think you need to try and move on with your feelings towards your ex for the sake of your daughter.

I understand he is an arsehole and did things to hurt you but as far as I can see he wasn't abusive to you as you say he is safe with your daughter so I think you need to put your feelings aside and see him face to face in a neutral location to do handover. I just can't get my head around the fact a one year old is being treated like this.

I do appreciate what you're saying. To be honest, I don't really have much feelings, good or bad, towards him. More just feelings of disappointment at the kind of man he's turned out to be is all. My hesitancy at meeting up with him is mainly due to the fact that he pretty much destroyed me when he acted as he did when I was weeks/very early months post partum and he was pissing off for 3 nights every week (even though we were separated at that point) and clearly meeting up with other women. Along with messaging them/this new woman when my child was weeks old. It was very very hurtful, even though i don't know if i had the right to feel hurt as we weren't actually together at that point.

I've worked so hard to move on from that level of hurt and mental pain he caused me and I'm in a pretty good place now and doing well. I'm just scared that seeing him will, I don't know, stir up those old feelings of overwhelming hurt and put me right back to that place where I was mentally, following her birth. If I did get in that headspace again then I wouldn't be at my best for my daughter, which I need to be.

OP posts:
Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 22:29

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Pop a propranolol and chill out you nasty piece of work.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 22:18

Porfirio · 25/02/2024 22:06

Unless you're friends with the profiles they would appear in your spam folder and you can read them without the sender knowing you've read them.

If you reply though, they will know you've read them.

I would read and ignore and they will have no idea if you've seen them or not!

Don't give them any satisfaction.

It's obviously the woman he's now with.

Yes, I'm pretty sure it's the new woman. Facebook has now been deleted, I'm just waiting to see if I receive contact via any other platform.

I will be raising this with him, the more I think about it, the angrier I get.

OP posts:
Pantsonfire5 · 25/02/2024 22:17

In the nicest possible way I think you need to try and move on with your feelings towards your ex for the sake of your daughter.

I understand he is an arsehole and did things to hurt you but as far as I can see he wasn't abusive to you as you say he is safe with your daughter so I think you need to put your feelings aside and see him face to face in a neutral location to do handover. I just can't get my head around the fact a one year old is being treated like this.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 22:16

RebeccaRedhat · 25/02/2024 22:01

What kind of phone do you have?
My phone allows me to take a photo (screenshot) circle part of the pic and google that pic. Just wondering if you could do that, on one of his photos and you might find the photo comes up in the results with a womens name linked to it?

I've deleted my facebook account now, social media seems to be more hassle than it's worth these days. But good to know should I decide to get it back and this nonsense starts up again.

OP posts:
Porfirio · 25/02/2024 22:06

Unless you're friends with the profiles they would appear in your spam folder and you can read them without the sender knowing you've read them.

If you reply though, they will know you've read them.

I would read and ignore and they will have no idea if you've seen them or not!

Don't give them any satisfaction.

It's obviously the woman he's now with.

RebeccaRedhat · 25/02/2024 22:01

What kind of phone do you have?
My phone allows me to take a photo (screenshot) circle part of the pic and google that pic. Just wondering if you could do that, on one of his photos and you might find the photo comes up in the results with a womens name linked to it?

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:55

LittleMissSleepyUK · 25/02/2024 21:54

Could you ask your daughter if there is a baby in the house? Just wondering how much of that she’d understand and then you could use that as extra bait when you message him

Unfortunately not, she wouldn't understand or be able to give a reliable answer.

OP posts:
Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 21:54

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You have just called me a cunt and I’m the one getting called a derogatory troll. Claiming to know a strangers IQ on the internet would infer you are a troll.

LittleMissSleepyUK · 25/02/2024 21:54

Could you ask your daughter if there is a baby in the house? Just wondering how much of that she’d understand and then you could use that as extra bait when you message him

Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 21:51

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:49

If he's hidden all of this from me then I doubt that he's going to allow a friend or relative of mine to snoop about in his home.

I'm contemplating getting in touch with the contact centre that I used to work in years ago and asking if contact can be faciliatated by them, so that they can hold his address and details of who else is in the household. And moving down to daytime contact only for the next while, via the contact centre, until I can establish what on earth is going on here.

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That’s a wise idea. Better to be safe than the alternative.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 25/02/2024 21:51

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Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:49

Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 21:43

I know this may sound far fetched, but is there an organisation or trusted friend/relative who could act as a go between. Visiting the home your daughter will be staying and meeting your ex’s partner. These horrible messages do flag up concern and are bordering on being threatening. With all the news headlines recently on this topic, nobody in their right mind could hold it against you.

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If he's hidden all of this from me then I doubt that he's going to allow a friend or relative of mine to snoop about in his home.

I'm contemplating getting in touch with the contact centre that I used to work in years ago and asking if contact can be faciliatated by them, so that they can hold his address and details of who else is in the household. And moving down to daytime contact only for the next while, via the contact centre, until I can establish what on earth is going on here.

OP posts:
Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 21:46

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In what world please ?

Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 21:43

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:31

Well, they are wild assertions. As far as I was aware, and I had no reason to doubt, he was taking her back to our old home we shared together. The onus is on him to advise me if he has moved house and is taking her elsewhere. Im not psychic, i dint magically know hos movements and its on the parents to communicate any changes to the other parent pertaining to the child. We had a discussion previously where I outlined my expectations, from both sides. That we would only introduce partners if it becomes a serious relationship and they have been in one anothers lives 2+ years and are stable.

Should I be following him home in the car every time he collects her from nursery to see where he is taking her? No? Then how should i have known that he has since moved home and hasn't told me? Genuine question.

I agree that this isn't normal behaviour. Personally, I would have communicated any changes in my daughters life to him ie a new partner. I've not had any partners since him as I've been concentrating on building a life for me and my daughter. However if I did get one, my childs father would be made aware, out of respect for the fact that he is her dad and he should know if a person of significance becomes involved in he life.

I also agree that he isn't a decent person. Regardless of past issues ie the messaging other women etc the behaviour of this situatuon alone makes him not a decent father. However there's nothing I can do to make him a decent person. I've been involved with family court orders in a professional context- there is no way that a court would stop this man from seeing my dd/having overnights.

Edited
Show quote history

I know this may sound far fetched, but is there an organisation or trusted friend/relative who could act as a go between. Visiting the home your daughter will be staying and meeting your ex’s partner. These horrible messages do flag up concern and are bordering on being threatening. With all the news headlines recently on this topic, nobody in their right mind could hold it against you.

Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:39

^excuse typos, unable to edit again.

OP posts:
Fallenangelofthenorth · 25/02/2024 21:39

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Original poster
BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 25/02/2024 21:31

Jensbiscotti · 25/02/2024 20:10

I don’t think they are wild assertions. I think you should read all your posts back and imagine it was a stranger writing them. For one your ex might not be physically abusive but he sure is an emotional/mental abuser, cheating and lying and playing weird games does lasting damage to a person, giving them low self esteem and trust issues.

Being that your previous job was in a safeguarding field, I’m sure you’re familiar with the statistics of a child being in danger from a parents new partner (even women) I mean it’s a common heartbreaking news story.

All that you have described on here isn’t normal behaviour, it’s even more alarming that it’s coming from middle aged adults.

For a start your ex partner doesn’t sound like a decent man. God knows who he’s living with, I would be sick with worry. Young children can’t explain what’s happening to them or advocate for themselves, this would definitely be a safeguarding issue for me.

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Well, they are wild assertions. As far as I was aware, and I had no reason to doubt, he was taking her back to our old home we shared together. The onus is on him to advise me if he has moved house and is taking her elsewhere. Im not psychic, i dint magically know hos movements and its on the parents to communicate any changes to the other parent pertaining to the child. We had a discussion previously where I outlined my expectations, from both sides. That we would only introduce partners if it becomes a serious relationship and they have been in one anothers lives 2+ years and are stable.

Should I be following him home in the car every time he collects her from nursery to see where he is taking her? No? Then how should i have known that he has since moved home and hasn't told me? Genuine question.

I agree that this isn't normal behaviour. Personally, I would have communicated any changes in my daughters life to him ie a new partner. I've not had any partners since him as I've been concentrating on building a life for me and my daughter. However if I did get one, my childs father would be made aware, out of respect for the fact that he is her dad and he should know if a person of significance becomes involved in he life.

I also agree that he isn't a decent person. Regardless of past issues ie the messaging other women etc the behaviour of this situatuon alone makes him not a decent father. However there's nothing I can do to make him a decent person. I've been involved with family court orders in a professional context- there is no way that a court would stop this man from seeing my dd/having overnights.

OP posts: