Are all teens selfish?

I find they don't use their own initiative. They will do the bare minimum so if you ask them to something they will do only that and wouldn't think to do anything extra.

Match his energy. Stop paying for his phone, stop running him around everywhere. Just go about you business and let him fend for himself.

My 17yo DSS has certain chores to do and if he doesn't then we don't make his dinner that night and he needs to sort his own food. He works and doesn't contribute financially but is expected to contribute in other ways to the household. If he's not contributing then he's also not reaping some of the benefits of living here.

Have a long family meeting and fix the tasks to be performed and the rules to be obeyed by each child.

Let it be fair to everyone and allow for some compromises from all sides.

Fix appropriate penalties for not following what has been agreed.

But also reward them from time to time for following the rules.

If as you later say he has a bit of ADHD, he will be happier with fixed rules.

Many teens are selfish. They do tend to grow out of it.

The fact that you don't clean his room or do his laundry is a good start.

If he's off to uni in Sept and he's earning now then I'd sit down with him and agree how much financial support he is going to get at uni. I'd then say that it's time he started practising budgeting and running his money so stop paying for his phone or anything else you pay for. He can then choose what to spend his money on and or whether to earn more money.

Ime you feel a lot less resentful if you aren't paying for stuff!

Re the sports stuff, if your DH wants him there then I guess he has to suck that up. The obvious threat otherwise is that either he requests lifts 7 days in advance or you just don't take him.

We actually had a written lift request policy at one stage.

I thought I'd posted this in my sleep! This is our situation too.

I wouldn't run around after someone who needed to get to a football fixture, particularly if they were causing me hassle and doing nothing. If he wants to play in matches he needs to get himself there. Arrange a lift with a team mate. Whatever. He's an adult.

That's the thing about ADHD, they can organise things they are strongly motivated to do. You need to think of ways to motivate him to do some of the other things.

Yes they can be selfish but they have only just reached adulthood at that age so can't be expected to change overnight. You need to shape their behaviour rather than get annoyed they can't do x properly or that they are disorganised. So teach him how to do the dishwasher. Don't give the lift to an event he forgot to inform you about - let him miss it or sort out the problem himself.

It's time to change the way you approach him. You can't force compliance, but you don't need to be the parent who sorts everything out either, like you were in the past. Let him deal with his lack of action. Then he will gradually learn to be more self reliant.

I think teens that are allowed to be selfish are selfish.
If they think/know they can get away with it then they will do the minimum amount possible.
The problem starts well before they become teens though, if they haven't 'been in training' throughout their childhood to take on more responsibility the battle is pretty much lost by the time they are hormone fuelled teenagers!!

It's a combination of things - my DD was similar and vv stroppy before going to uni - she changed overnight after leaving home. In restrospect i think she was anxious about exams, uni and leaving the nest.
That said you are enabling a fair bit of this. Schedule a chat and have a gentle, supportive chat about expectations, the stress you are under and how you'd like to improve things

I’m not sure I understand what the issue was this morning? All your kids are old enough to get themselves up, ready, breakfasted, to do their own lunches and sort their own kit. So if your oldest DC did his own stuff that’s surely fine, everyone else should have done the same? And if they are not doing it start now. Imagine when you have four of them all adults and all doing nothing….

I think many are but it's a product of their upbringing as much as their age.

You said you don't ask for help with housework because you can't stand a job half done. Personally I would make him do it again so it is up to standard. I had responsibility for cleaning the bathroom and toilets aged 14 or maybe younger I can't remember. Had to cook sometimes and lay the table/clear the table when not. I also paid rent at 18. My brother was never expected to do this stuff and he's grown into a horrible individual and I've grown into a push over who's taken advantage of in relationships. I'm aiming at something in the middle with my kids.

Voted YABU because you are facilitating this. He’s an adult, not a child, and he only behaves like this because he can. No, not all teens behave like this !

I know this is easier said than done, but your replies suggest that you don’t see your role in this. He won’t change unless he has to, and that won’t happen unless you stop babying him.

Yes, but it's not DH that is letting the team down is it? It's your DS, if he decides not to step up. As long as you tell him in advance then he only has himself to blame.

I can't vote either. I was a selfish teen. I barely lifted a finger to help out when I was that age and I didn't really consider anybody else much. I did grow up to be the opposite in those ways, so don't despair. My DH was apparently a bit of an arsehole when he was a teen too and he's a lovely adult!
However our DCs are lovely teens and not a bit like how we were. I don't know how that happened!
So some teens are selfish and some teens aren't. But most grow out of it.

I'm assuming your DS learnt to do his laundry when you stopped?

So why can't you leave him to be in charge of his hobby logistics? Set a clear rule that you need to know x days in advance or else he isn't going. Stick to it. I bet he strangely learns to organise himself better. He won't if mummy is always willing to bend to his will.

Make him pay for his phone, he'll likely be more motivated to pick up extra hours. If not, at least you are teaching him about financial responsibility.

If you need him to do chores around the house to a better standard then state that, and say that he won't recieve lifts to his hobby if he doesn't meet the standard.

It doesn't need to be negative all the time. You can balance it out with positive encouragement/interactions. It might take more of an active effort at the beginning but it pays off in the end.

1). DS needs to give you his work roster. Then you given him jobs that fit in. If they aren’t done properly, show him next time. And again. But he must do it. He will usually learn eventually.

2). If he isn’t ready for his match on time, go without him. And again. And again. Either he will figure it out or he might always be one of those whose internal life is just so loud that daily life needs a constant shove from someone else. (DCuz has one like this - he is properly excelling in other areas).

Sometimes, now matter how hard you try to be reasonable, teenagers need to be slapped in the face with a wet fish.

But they to tend to be quite selfish with glimpses of what they might be like in ten years time.

My DS is 19 now, but was a lazy fecker, dropped out of doing A levels although he wanted to go to university

Anyway I've always told the DCs whenever they are not in education I expect board as I'm not a cash cow. He got himself a job and pays £200 board pm.

I have to let him live his life, he may regret it later on but he can always go back to studying in later life.

Welcome to adulthood mate

Don't threaten it, just do it. He is living under your house and not contributing. You are the boss, not him. If he doesn't like it he is free to find an alternative set up that suits him better 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't be apologising for shouting, sometimes the little gits need it.

If he had turned and was loud and aggressive to me, he'd have been shit out of luck getting to where he needs to be and out of luck on anything else he needed.

Do that a few times and they either learn quickly, or the hard, long way.

I would start charging him rent then and use the money to employ a cleaner. Advise him this is due to his refusal to contribute to the running of the house.

Is he lazy and selfish, or is he lacking executive function?

If he has the skills to manage himself and contribute, then I suggest stepping back and letting him miss his sporting fixture if he isn’t ready, etc!

If he doesn’t have the skills, then you’ll need to scaffold him no matter how old he is.

My teenagers aren’t selfish. My sixteen year old will do things like dishwasher if he sees that they need doing. I don’t do them again because they’re not good enough though - if I did, he would likely not see the point, understandably.