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Original poster

To think I might have anger problems

31 replies

ohnowhatdidido · 24/02/2024 05:08

As in the title really. I am wondering whether I may actually need some kind of therapy to control how I react when I get angry or upset.

A very long back story:
I have been married 3 years and known my husband for about 5 years in total. Sadly our relationship has recently become quite platonic. We had a baby a year ago and you might describe our relationship as simply 'parents'. We exist as parents but do absolutely nothing with each other and seem to have lost interest in it too ie. we barely notice we've stopped doing anything with each other. Anyway that's something I'll probably make another thread about...

Before I met my husband, I would have said I'm quite a chilled out person. My main interactions would have been with:
A) work - if I have any conflict at work I was usually too timid to actually stand my ground. To this day, if there's something I'm not happy about at work, I might voice my opinion but I don't know how to push my point and so I don't. And I don't like the feeling of confrontation or rocking the boat
B) friends - similar to work, my interactions with friends I steer away from conflict and might be described as the "people pleaser" friend. eg. Go along with an activity a friend wants to do that I have no interest in but won't say no because I don't want to upset them.
C) family - I lived with my parents and siblings. My parents were fairly strict (cultural) and controlling. If I got upset with my parents it would have been some kind of argument where I might scream at them and stomp off to my room to cry. Just writing that out feels embarrassing. But it was very much a parent-child dynamic in that home despite living there until my late 20s.

Fast forward to conflict with my husband:
I try really hard to not put the blame on him even if I feel like something is his fault. And I appreciate that in itself could be a problem that I don't see some issues as our problem together but something that he's doing wrong. I try and be even toned and calm and not shout. But then he will say something to really trigger me and it's like I explode.
I get very shouty, I don't let him speak, I speak over him, I tell him not to come near me because I don't want to be touched. I might scream. I'll stomp off in another room and scream into a pillow.

For example, last night:
I explained in a calm way that I feel like we aren't doing much as a couple. I spent maybe 20mins talking. He just listened. He then replied with how it's getting late and he has a meeting in the morning and the stuff in the washing machine needs hanging up. I felt a bit stung as I felt like I was speaking about a really important thing and he literally said nothing in response. So I said "yes, ok, I'll take the washing out" and I so I did the laundry and went up to bed but I was seething. He called out if everything was ok because I left so abruptly without saying goodnight and that made me snap. I started telling him to eff off and that he's either completely insensitive or on the spectrum. But I was screaming it repeatedly. That I literally spoke about us for him to completely ignore me and then ask me why I didn't say goodnight. He replied that he thought we'd pick it up in the morning because it was late. I said that he never even said that etc. I just stormed off again after that. But as I lay in bed, my head was almost ringing with anger and when I reached out to reposition our DC in her sleep, I couldn't really feel her if that makes sense. Like my senses felt numb.

My point is, this explosion of anger is something I really want to stop being like. My husband finds it "foul, vile and repulsive". He in general hates shouting and swearing. And that's what I'm naturally like when I get angry. And I would love to be more level headed when I am upset. Does it sound like I have anger issues? I am considering CBT.

OP posts:
PictureFrameWindow · 24/02/2024 08:05

A couple of things stood out from your post. You've not been able to express your needs in childhood and now you are perhaps stuck in a pattern where you don't as an adult and it builds up and up until you explode?

Are you able to access therapy? It is expensive and may be out of reach but if you have spare income it's something I'd absolutely prioritise. The work would be about creating new, small ways to practice articulating your needs. Part of this would be spotting the good moments to chat w your DH (not late). In your post you realise it's not ok to shout at him, and the emphasis now should be on not getting to that point.

Good luck, there is life after people pleasing. Do remember that life with a baby is so, so hard in many respects and does get easier. Lower your expectations on all fronts and be kind to yourself.

Niknakk · 24/02/2024 08:03

Yes it sounds to me like anger issues. I would leave a relationship with someone acting like this, especially with a child present. So yes you need some sort of therapy.

Missingmyusername · 24/02/2024 07:51

”I started telling him to eff off and that he's either completely insensitive or on the spectrum. But I was screaming it repeatedly”. No, it’s not a normal reaction and that’s putting it mildly.

If this were a man screeching this at a woman the responses would be, that’s abuse - LTB.

Is this taking place around your DC? Do you have neighbours that can hear all this?

It could be anger, it could be depression. I’d see a G.P and see what they suggest. It’s not healthy for you or those around you to behave like this. If your husband is the trigger then perhaps you aren’t right together, he’s not/unable/unwilling to address your marital issues- though if someone gave me a 20 min speech at bedtime I’d be very tired, and might react the same way or say let’s talk tomorrow, it’s late. Would you act like this in public or only in front of your DH? That answer alone will tell you a lot.

Mothership4two · 24/02/2024 06:09

It sounds as though you need help in this area. You don't react like this to others, so on some level you can control it. Screaming and shouting and not letting someone speak is abusive and repugnant behaviour. That would be my worst nightmare.

If my OH had a 20 minute serious talk with/at me late at night, I probably would switch off too. He may have not wanted to respond and say the wrong thing that set you off if you overreact like this a lot or maybe he was just tired?

If you feel that he is often doing and saying the wrong thing (which is your perception only) then maybe you should also have couples counselling. We found having occasional but regular child-free times together beneficial.

Having a young child/children is a stressful time but that doesn't mean this type of behaviour is acceptable - it's not.

Your poll is probably going to give mixed messages as some posters will respond to your question does it sound like I have anger issues? and others to your behaviour towards your husband.

woooaaaahhhhh · 24/02/2024 06:07

I wouldn't say you have anger issues. Based on your post I'd say you struggle to get your needs met, resentment builds so when you do address it you are frustrated. Also your husband's reaction was shit, he acted like he couldn't care less.

Could some counselling help? Give you a place to explore your feelings and become more connected with what you want.

Octavia64 · 24/02/2024 05:48

It sounds like you might find conflict difficult.

When you spoke to your husband, it seems like you opened up and he didn't respond to you on an emotional level, or even in a neutral way, but just responded in a way that indicates that he wasn't prepared to engage with it,

Your anger might well be that you are upset with the situation, he didn't engage or even show he was listening, and so your emotion came out in other ways.

Having small children is draining on an emotional level. If you feel that you and your husband are a team then it's easier to get through, but if you are dismissed then it can feel very lonely.

In general do you feel connected with your emotions?