Decision time-final embryo

I think I'd want it implanted in me and then see what happened, I'd be completely against it being used for scientific purposes or going to another person.

I appreciate that's probably unreasonable but that's how I'd feel.

No they definitely can’t force donation or ‘for science’ but when you’ve struggled with fertility and been through IVF it’s the thought of the 5 day old embryo being destroyed that is very, very difficult to come to terms with.

Even though it’s basically cells when you’ve spent a long time suffering through infertility it isn’t just cells, it’s a potential baby. And for some people (myself included) it isn’t as easy as oh just let them destroy it. To me it’s like I’m accepting the fact they’re going to get rid of one of my children.

Not everyone feels that way of course, but for some it’s incredibly emotional and painful to make that decision.

Surely they can't force you to donate if you don't want it?! They'd need your permission so you can destroy it if you want.

@Rainlovers I am the eldest of 3 girls. My younger sister is 6.5years younger and born when my Mum was 43. If you want another baby but covid derailed that don’t worry about your age or the age gap. Give it a go. If it’s not meant to be you will have closure from trying. You sound like you know what you want but are worrying :)

I've never had to be in this position as we didn't have any left over to freeze.

I'm 46 now and there's no way I'd like to be pregnant now but you may not feel the same way. I'd not like to look back and say I didn't try so if you wouldn't mind another then maybe it's worth the try.

However I appreciate covid got in the way but once that was over then I'd seriously ask myself why as soon as I could didn't I try then. That may be your answer.

Personally I wouldn't donate to science or anyone else.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes sadly and it was an awful time but I was lucky and was successful, no embryos to spare so thankfully I have never been in OPs position.

I just don't get the genetic thing, the way i see it its not your child, it's the child of the person who gives birth to them. I get not everyone thinks that way though. Its possibly because I'm adopted and never had shared DNA with anyone anyway.

Did you do ivf? No way was I donating my unused embryos.

We have two children born by egg donation. I had my first child at 45 after a fresh cycle, with 2 going into the freezer and after 9 months we used the last two embryos because I couldn't get my head round my potential children being frozen (I am aware this is not logical at all!).

One implanted and I had my second child at 47... they are 9 and 7 now. Clearly I wasn't in the first flush of youth but honestly it's been great for us...but only you know if you feel too old? I was very fit and healthy, we had space and good income to provide for them and obviously will be providing for them for a long time to come.

Good luck with what you decide to do. It's a tough one.

I can understand why people think of them as a child and struggle with letting it go, but it’s really not. Despite what they’re saying in America…

I’d let it go, due to age, and focus on your daughter.

I’m currently pregnant with an ivf pregnancy (3rd cycle) - we have a couple of embryos in the freezer. Provided all goes well with this pregnancy I don’t think we’ll do it again. I don’t think I could emotionally or physically deal with another transfer (let alone having to look after a toddler at the same time). I’m also not having the easiest pregnancy in terms of nausea. We’ve agreed that we’ll probably give it until I’m 37 (so roughly 5 years from now) to change our minds and then we’ll donate to science. The IVF wouldn’t have been possible without scientific research (and embryos are also useful for research into genetic diseases). We’re both doctors/have a scientific background. It feels like the best option for us to make sure they don’t ‘go to waste’ and to give something back. It’s a very personal decision though so what works for us isn’t necessarily applicable for you (and we may well change our minds and go for another round).

Are you able to access some counselling? I saw a fertility counsellor throughout the IVF attempts (and into pregnancy) and it strikes me as a really good resource to bounce ideas off/just talk things through. I’m also a fan of a good pros and cons list to help clarify my thought process. I think decisions like this are so difficult as they’re so unpredictable - its not a choice between baby number 2 or no baby, it’s a choice between no baby or trying for baby number 2 and all that entails (the physical side, the emotional side if it fails, you have a miscarriage etc). It’s something we have no control over the outcome which makes it so hard to rationalise.

What does your gut feeling say? As somebody else said, if you found out you were unexpectedly pregnant tomorrow, how would you feel? If you’d be pleased I’d be inclined towards trying but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here.

I’d have a try with it yourself. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it’s not, at least you gave it a chance to work out. It would also sit easier with me if I were in that position and already had one child from IVF.

Whoever above said something like “of course, the pregnancy will be harder” was wrong. A friend had her last baby at 48. The pregnancy was the easiest, she said, and she certainly looked (and was) well and carried on working fulltime with no time off sick due to the pregnancy. Obviously, any pregnancy can be hard but being in your 40s doesn’t mean it has to be hard.

I couldn’t live with the thought if someone else with my baby so donation would not be for me, but it’s not my choice to make.
Dont feel pressured to use it, only you can decide.

I also think I’d have to use it and see.

The only problem I would have is that if it didn’t work I think it would make me want to start IVF all over again because the seed of wanting another baby would be planted and I’d find that very, very hard to move past. At least now while it’s a what if you can move on.

That depends if you would feel like though op, you might be a lot more pragmatic than I am!

I think I’d have to give it a try, I couldn’t donate either way I don’t think without it emotionally affecting me.

And regarding if you died, I'd be more worried about leaving your daughter as an only child without you than leaving this child young with a sibling, at least by trying you've given an attempt at her having a sibling in that situation

Id get it put in. It most likely won't take, or won't stick if it does, but at least you won't have the weight of "what if" after.

But in reality it’s not. You were an older mum anyway, if your fear is passing away when your children still need you thats surely also a concern for your existing child who still has older parents?

I say this kindly, but that last part is also still an issue for your existing child. If it’s just age holding you back then I’d chance a transfer

I've been where you are now, OP. After 10.5 years ttc, we had DD when I was almost 43. I had severe pre-eclampsia and DD was born two months early and spent two months in SCBU. We had three frozen embryos left over and had the same choices as you. I was so scared of getting pre-eclampsia again that I put off and put off making a decision but, in reality, I knew that destroying the embryoes or donating them for research was not right for me. I ended up have a transfer of all three embryos the day before my 46th birthday (last possible date), not expecting it to work but feeling that I needed to give them a chance. The result was my DS, now 13, and I am still overjoyed to have this second child I never thought I would have.

There are things to weigh up but I honestly don't think your age is the most important of them.

I'm finding this situation the hardest part of IVF as it's the only bit you are given control over.

We've got 4 embryos left over from our last cycle, our daughter was cycle 3 transfer 5 - I'd live another but equally I'm not sure I can go through the heart break of potentially have 4 transfers and for each one to fail.

It's such a hard decision, but my dh and I have decided if we still are undecided when I hit the menopause, we'll let them go for research - if they help others feel the joy of successful IVF than I'll be happy.

I did initially think I'd donate them, but I'm not sure that they vet the couples like they do for an adoption so it makes me worried that my child could end up in a really crap situation and it would have been my fault.

After a dc at 43 2 I ttc again when dc was a year old. 3 chemicals and a mmc at 8 weeks old.. I gave up. Would have regretted not ttc again though. My mate had 3 dc via ivf and 1 frozen embryo left. She had a holiday to ponder her decision. She had a dd at 42...she also said she had to at least try.. Doubt you would regret giving that last one a try...
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