Spending downsizing cash

Hi I’m a nurse now in the NHS and honestly I’d be alarmed if an elderly relative didn’t have £200k+ aside for final years. A decade ago there was state care / facilities. Now in my hospital over a third of the beds are people fit for discharge but awaiting care. Even people who can afford it can’t find care packages or homes. The last 2 years of my aunts life recently cost her whole flat plus savings plus family input.
A Decade ago or so people would just drop dead but that rarely happens now - death is medicated so becomes protracted. 10-15 years ago people did have a stroke and immediately die or an MI etc. now we stop that happening so quite often it’s the side effects of dementia or a long decline instead.
My grandma in law did the same as your mum (although 20 years ago she was given a council house when money dried up then state funded care, impossible now) and I think it’s a lot to do with being controlled by a partner or poor income in earlier years. It’s important they’re happy in their spending too.

I'd just tell her that, I'm happy she's enjoying her money. But to makes sure she doesn't spend it all, because she might need a cleaner and carers in the future. As long as you've warned her, the responsibility lies with her, not you. Aside from that, there's nothing you can do. It's her money to do as she pleases, as long as is of sound mind.

If your relatives go into care you do not have to pay for it. Councils may try and guilt trip you into paying for it but you just say no. Obviously if people want to pay for their relatives care they can

There’s no point putting the flat in trust now, she would need to live to 95 to have any benefit, and while that is completely possible it is unlikely. A trust would have needed to be done years ago.

It depends on the fees. Local authorities have a cap on what they can pay and that means you're consigned to something within that budget. If you've been paying out of your own pocket and your money runs out families can be asked to top up the local authority contribution to allow the person to stay in the same place. If they can't or won't top up then the person has to move into somewhere within the local authority budget.

Just for the record, as DH and I have investigated recently, really good care/nursing homes are about £78,000 per annum.

MIL gets about £35k pension (her occupational pension, a widows pension from FIL and the state pension. Her house could probably be let for £24,000 which would net a further £11,000 after tax, maintenance and mgt. However, had she ever spent a penny on the house, it could probably be let for £3k pcm.

At the end if the day there would be about a £32k shortfall in the fees per annum.

Care/nursing homes that provide the care for what the state will provide are not too nice.

She has furnished her home and had one very well deserved holiday.If you said it was all spent on holidays then yes that would be reckless, but she deserves to live in comfort.Her flat will be an asset to pay for her care.

Is it her care costs you are worried about or your inheritance?

Her money her choices.
She may have always planned on spending half and saving half, it sounds like the things she has spent it on are one off purchases she won't need to buy again so let her enjoy it.
Be a very sad situation if she dies in 6 months and still has a load of money she could of enjoyed while able.
She will still get care if needed in the future if needed but like someone else said it may not be as nice/preferred choice as will be council/benefits funded.

It's a very fine balance in life of saving money for when you need it and also spending enough to enjoy it while your here.

Try not to worry too much it's impossible to know what the future may bring. There is a proposal to cap care fees from Oct 2025 so that might change the system slightly.
She will still have the flat as an asset as someone else mentioned.

You shouldn’t be paying for it, the local authority should be footing the bill if she has less than £23.5k. In @CueilleLeJour‘s mum’s case there’s a flat that can be sold to pay care home fees should it become necessary.

Mine too. She now has a gardener come once every two weeks, a beautiful modern kitchen and a lovely bathroom with large walk in shower and no bath.

My lovely dad, a tradesman, used to do everything but stopped as he aged and got Alzheimer’s but wouldn’t let her get anyone in to keep up with it, as he would “get round to it”.

She spent about £30k in the first year after. I was happy for her.

I would be concerned if she keeps going and spends the lot, and would hope she at least keeps a healthy nest egg of at least 50k?

However, I don't think £75k for a house reno (and a big holiday) is a lot. I don't know how private care fees work but say if £75k pays for 1-2 years of private care in a home, the enjoyment she gets from this house over the next few years (or longer hopefully) is just as worth it time-wise, in terms of her life – and may contribute to her sense of wellbeing which is a big factor in slowing elderly deterioration too.

Plus home visits are not necessarily a bad option compared to a care home – if it's not a severe health deterioration, she may also want to keep her independence and familiar surroundings and lifestyle, only somewhat assisted. In that case a nice home would raise her quality of life.

Also as others have pointed out, this will also increase the property value anyway.

Many would consider this sort of thing as just good financial planning op. At 87 she’s unlikely to have 10 years left.. my grandad wanted carer visits over a care home so I can assure you that’s not necessarily worse but it wasn’t much cheaper!!! Full care at home or in a home is likely to be more than her income so I don’t think it matters too much at this point. I’d be making sure the context was right for her, eg no stairs/walk in large shower etc etc as those things will likely be useful in future.

I feel your pain. The same happened with my grandma when she lost her husband and my mum. She spent everything! She is now in a care home and we are paying for it. FYI mine never thought she ll need one but she got to 97 years old and her abilities obviously changed. It’s very difficult unfortunately to convince elderly people what to do. We tried very hard!

The size of the property is irrelevant. Quality costs money. Our new kitchen cost £40k, a lot of that was on appliances. The fridge freezer alone was £1.6k. I imagine OP’s mum had exactly what she wanted without looking at the prices. And quite right too after a lifetime of watching the pennies - or having them watched for her.

I’d like to thing she has her last home just right for her and she’s probably having the kind of holiday your dad wouldn’t have wanted to pay for. Let her live a little. Life is literally too short. Let her be happy. I understand what you are worried about though, totally understandable. Hopefully she’ll be in her own happily for years to come.

Are you sure you're not just like dear old dad? Frankly, at 87, I'm going to spend whatever I like that makes me happy.

Please see my post . There are many benefits she can get easily .
not means tested .
they are all easy to apply for . F n c , c h c , need to be applied for by a gp or nurse or home manager as and when the time comes .

Please make sure you are getting all the financial help you can for your dad.
there is so much hidden there.
he could get c h c if he has bad dementia , go into a top quality nursing home at no or little cost . He would definitely qualify for f n c even now . That’s £1000 roughly a month . Plus attendance allowance.
mall of these are not means tested .

please use this information and make him comfy in a great home with lots of fun activities like my dad whose 97 .

Don’t use your money you need it .
the government will help towards any costs . But there should be few with dementia.
get looking for a great home now really do your homework, go alone to begin with so you can make a short list .
my dad has got a new life .

Lol 😂 you say that but my dad has been on end of life care three times this year he is 97 . The care home seem to have pumped him full of magic again as he’s having a whale of a time with all the activities and people on £8000 a month .
don’t underestimate these oldies. It’s great to see .

if the personal wealth goes down to 23,500 the government will start to help out .

unfortunately there was a new law coming out in 2023 that a person’s home could not be sold to fund care. However this has been moved until 2025. ( plus probable change of government)

anyone ever in this situation should make sure their elderly person is getting attendance allowance, apply for pension credits, state pension, f n c ( funded nursing care ) and then if necessary if person is very infirm . C h c ( continued health care. This is full payment of care non means tested) A lot of these benefits are NOT Means tested . My parents both with teachers pensions get most of these except pension credits ( means tested) and c h c (not Ill enough yet)

age concern is an excellent place to get advice .

hope this helps some people.

My mum has some mild mental health issues which make her think people around her expect money from her. She is giving £100s away every couple of weeks to her adult children (my siblings) who should know better. I refuse to take any money from her.

She is now making an expensive purchase for one sibling which will wipe out her savings.

I do worry for her, because I think she lacks full agency and I worry about her depleted savings.

Inevitably she will look to me for support and not my siblings.

My mum downsized at 78, went into a care home at 79 and died aged 81. Every minute of the whole process was miserable.

I would have been thrilled if at any point she had been on a spree or had some fun. As it is she has left an (entirely unexpected) estate in excess of a million pounds and many unhappy memories.

I think it's very easy for some people to mother their own parents like they're children. As long as she has the autonomy to make her own decisions then you need to leave her to it. I know it's done because relatives care, but it can cause rifts in families and push people away. Imagine if your children suddenly started telling you that you couldn't spend your money as you wished, you wouldn't listen and potentially be more secretive about your spending.
Ultimately, if she needs care in the future she will get it if she has money or not. We don't send old folks to the workhouse anymore. I wish more old people would spend their money and enjoy themselves. When my grandma died she had very little, was in a council flat and didn't have any fun or buy herself anything nice. She didn't have a will but she had about £30k in savings which was distributed to her sons and grandchildren. When I went to her funeral my cousin's said they hadn't seen her for years. One hadn't seen her for ten years! It was disgusting and I wish she had spent that money on herself instead of her family that clearly didn't give a toss about her.
I'd ban inheritance it brings out the worst in people and parents feel like they have to leave something to their children, like it's their duty. There are old ladies sitting in freezing cold homes because they "can't afford" to put the heating on, yet they have thousands in the bank. Rant over!

Have you had the conversation with her what her care looks like to her in the future? I’d start there.

That’s completely untrue, your friend has been very badly advised. The onus to pay for care lies with the care recipient and them alone. Families don’t have to pay for a loved one’s care. However, money given away or put in trust can be clawed back.