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Original poster

Spending downsizing cash

362 replies

CueilleLeJour · 23/02/2024 11:27

I'm really not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.

Mum is 87 and downsized a few years after we lost my dad. She bought a nice little flat and had £150K from the sale.

Growing up, we never had much money and dad kept a close hand on the purse strings. Mum was left with a comfortable but not huge pension, and some moderate savings which she has spent over the last few years.

Since downsizing, she has basically had access to more free money than she's ever had in her life. In the last year, she's spent nearly half the £150k. Mostly on the flat - new kitchen, bathroom, carpets, furniture, professional decorating etc - but also an expensive holiday. It's clearly been an amazing feeling for her to have all the money she could dream of and spend it without my dad's disapproving eye peering over her shoulder. Part of me thinks it's great and she should just enjoy it while she can.

But part of me is really alarmed at her getting through half the proceeds in a year, and I worry about possible future care needs. My BIL's mum is 90 and has been in a care home for 3 years and it's just burning cash. They wouldn't let her in without proving she had 2 years of costs up front - which I think was about 140K.

My mum is just convinced she won't ever need a care home, and I know she's better off than many people who have nothing put by. It's also really none of my business, it's her money to do what she wants with. It's not dementia or anything, just someone who has never really had to make financial decisions having a whale of a time splashing the cash.

But am I right to have a little anxiety about it all?

YABU You only live once, she's right to spend it while she can
YANBU It's a bit reckless to spend half your downsizing profits in the first year

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 23/02/2024 12:21

Personally I'd be telling her to transfer ownership of the flat into a trust so that it doesn't get taken with care fees (that may or may not be needed).

Not everyone goes in a home, why are you telling her to not enjoy her life just in case she needs to go in a home. Having been a nurse for many years, many elder people just drop dead; stroke, heart attack etc. or they succumb after a short illness brought on by something like a car crash (broken ribs), a fall or a broken hip.

Think about what you'll feel guilt over when she is gone, will you wish you'd told her to cut back so she could afford care fees (that weren't needed)? or will you regret telling her to not spend? not supporting her and encouraging her to gain some happiness in her later years and do XY & Z when she wanted too and had the ability too? Even if that xyz is decorating her place or doing the garden or going on holiday... whatever gives her joy, even if you don't agree with her choices.

Let her enjoy spending the cash she has that she didn't get chance to spend in her previous 87 yrs of life. Or is the real story that she's spending your inheritance?

Original poster
CueilleLeJour · 23/02/2024 12:04

Katherina198819 · 23/02/2024 12:02

It depends.
If she will have enough money from her pension to cover the care- which is at least £4000 a month (depending on your area) I would say it's OK for her to spend all that money.

If her pension won't cover it, and her flat isn't worth enough to cover a potentially 5 years of care, I think she should be more responsible.

Nowhere near 4K pension a month - but who does?

OP posts:
Katherina198819 · 23/02/2024 12:02

It depends.
If she will have enough money from her pension to cover the care- which is at least £4000 a month (depending on your area) I would say it's OK for her to spend all that money.

If her pension won't cover it, and her flat isn't worth enough to cover a potentially 5 years of care, I think she should be more responsible.

Original poster
CueilleLeJour · 23/02/2024 11:58

JimBobsWife · 23/02/2024 11:30

She will still get care even if she has no money left. It will just be not as 'nice'.

The reality for many people is four brief and sometimes unreliable visits a day in their own home, which is a pretty grim existence. BIL parent had choices about their care which have given them the best possible quality of life in their current state of health. So I think having more money would give her more choices.

But she may never get to that point and I absolutely take on board that it is her life and her money to do what she wants with.

OP posts:
Original poster
CueilleLeJour · 23/02/2024 11:53

FinallyFeb · 23/02/2024 11:40

I think it depends how much her fiat is worth, I live in South East England and a lot of homes g here need you have a property or cash worth about two or three years fees.

Her spending must have added some value to flat so it’s not money gone forever.

I had a similarish thing with one of parents who spent about 40k on holidays in 2 or 3 years. Now 6 years later they are in a care home and can hardly walk and I am pleased they went on those trips.

Edited

Ah, that last paragraph is lovely and a really helpful way to look at it.

Yes, her flat would cover 2 years of care fees. I was thinking it would be harder to sort out if it was tied up in the flat but of course, if she's in a home she doesn't need the flat.

Thank you.

OP posts:
FinallyFeb · 23/02/2024 11:40

I think it depends how much her fiat is worth, I live in South East England and a lot of homes g here need you have a property or cash worth about two or three years fees.

Her spending must have added some value to flat so it’s not money gone forever.

I had a similarish thing with one of parents who spent about 40k on holidays in 2 or 3 years. Now 6 years later they are in a care home and can hardly walk and I am pleased they went on those trips.

GasPanic · 23/02/2024 11:38

You don't see many 90+ year olds going on holiday.

I would encourage her to enjoy it while she still can.

Catza · 23/02/2024 11:34

She is not going to keep refurbishing her flat so I assume the vast chunk of the money that's been spent on this is a one-off. If you are concerned about her lack of money management skills, then maybe you can help her set up a budget to make sure she doesn't struggle for anything going forward. Assuming, she has good 10 years ahead of her, it would be nice to make sure she has reasonable funds to not worry about the future.
Wouldn't probably worry too much about care funds. She will get care even if she hasn't got savings and she still has a flat which can be sold to finance it if needs be.

Munchyseeds2 · 23/02/2024 11:33

Although it might not be what you would do it's her choice at the end of the day

TinySaltLick · 23/02/2024 11:33

If she's spent her life worried about purse strings, I think it is difficult to have a conversation that when she finally has the funds - she should yet again not spend them just in case

You are right to be concerned, but I'd probably let her get on with and enjoy herself

JimBobsWife · 23/02/2024 11:30

She will still get care even if she has no money left. It will just be not as 'nice'.

Usernamefoundunderthebed · 23/02/2024 11:29

Let her have her fun. At 87 she's not got long left so let her spend it while she can.