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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I should reduce DC's hours

38 replies

HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 11:37

So my DC started nursery for the first time aged 3. DC has always been an easygoing, happy child, but since starting has become quite hyper and inattentive. I find it quite heartbreaking watching the other kids follow the teacher's instructions, only for mine (who had no trouble following instructions at toddler groups) to be half following, half wandering off.

I can't fault the nursery. Dc loves going (DC would go more if I would let them), and the staff are kind and fond of DC.

Nursery haven't made me feel bad about it, but it's school nursery, and if DC carries on like this I am worried that they will get into the habit of behaving this way, and will get labelled as odd by the other children.

Aibu to reduce DC's hours at nursery? Tbh I am considering pulling DC out, going to some more structured toddler groups, and trying again for reception, but DC loves going, and would probably find that quite upsetting.

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lordsa · 23/02/2024 18:57

@HowNowBrow Children who are ND can behave completely differently in different environments. My DC behaves differently at school vs at home. It’s often when they go to school that behaviours ‘come out’ as it is much more busy, stimulating, stressful etc than at home.

Original poster
HowNowBrow · 23/02/2024 16:27

@Loopytiles it's school nursery, so my child would be with the same kids from now until 11

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Original poster
HowNowBrow · 23/02/2024 16:21

@Loopytiles DC definitely is wiggly enough at nursery that I would assume they were ADHD if I didn't see how they were at home. I am not comfortable with such a massive change of demeanor, after 3 years of a very calm, chilled out DC

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lordsa · 23/02/2024 13:58

@Loopytiles Agree, the nursery’s approach sounds odd.

Having worked in education, the only time I’ve heard of nurserys / schools comparing behaviours of one child to the rest of the class is when they are alluding to the fact they believe the child may be autistic, ADHD etc.

Loopytiles · 23/02/2024 13:19

The nursery’s approach sounds odd. Don’t suppose it’s an expensive private one and/or a popular, ‘pushy’ school one?

User79853257976 · 22/02/2024 22:33

How many hours is he going? He doesn’t need to go very much unless it’s for childcare.

lordsa · 22/02/2024 21:58

Said very gently OP - is there any chance the nursery could be hinting that your DC might be neurodiverse? I can’t understand why they compiled a list of what other children are doing compared to yours. What things were on this list?

romdowa · 22/02/2024 21:39

Honestly he sounds over whelmed. Full school days are probably too much for him. Is there a nursery in the area who offer half days? It might suit him better , he's only 3 .

Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 22/02/2024 21:35

If I were you I would continue with nursery or some other form of preschool as so many vital skills for school are learned there. I think 18/20 hours is a good number, he’s still got x4 full days with you at home and the evenings too. We’ve found the transition from 3-4 huge for our youngest and it might be that he is overtired and overstimulated but in a few months this could all calm down and he settles in. I would also maybe have a meeting with his keyworker to discuss your concerns and see if there is anything they can do to help, maybe spend some time with him encouraging to concentrate on tasks / stay with the group etc. perhaps they would let you collect him early to shorten his hours a day or two a week

Original poster
HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 21:01

3 days, school hours

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Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 22/02/2024 20:37

Sorry I can’t work out from your posts how many days he goes? Is it just a couple? That’s a big difference on tiredness / behaviour to full time.

If you pull him out do you need to put him in other childcare or will you have him? He’ll def be different at toddler groups as that’s 1:1 attention from you steering him to sit down to sing / share toys etc, and it’s just an hour or two, whereas in nursery there’s so many more children per adults and they will free range a bit more to wander off and play something else etc :)

averythinline · 22/02/2024 20:28

I would follow your instincts.. my ds couldn't cope with that much/many hours at that age.... I used a local pre school instead that just did short sessions... And did 3 mornings building to 4 ... before school .. sounds like hes a bit over stimulated.....
School nursery isn't always the best for all ... And hes young... enjoy the time now ... Shouldn't be stressful
If there are other things u can do i would do that..
Many children do not do school nursery....and they are fine.... They are at school many years ...

Original poster
HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 20:22

@Ibouncetothebeat behavior was much better in half term, attention span improved and DC was calmer, it was like I had DC back again. Then behaviour went back down now DC is back at nursery. It really is a nice nursery, but I am quite bothered by the behaviour changes. Through any parent's eyes, my DC is disruptive to the class, and hinders rather than helps in activities. I love my child and don't want them to get used to behaving badly. It doesn't help that I am a single parent in a predominantly two-parent area, so if DC behaves this way, we will get judged as a family unit.

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Punk4ssBookJockey · 22/02/2024 20:16

I wouldn't worry about other children thinking your DC is odd for not following routines and that they therefore won't play with him. I work in a school nursery and have worked in Reception in the past. The kids don't see each other the way we do - often the children we as adults find trickier to deal with (poorly behaved /inattentive, cry easily at transitions between activities etc) are some of the most popular amongst their peers, presumably because they are generally happy, confident and like to play random games and don't tend to have 'best friends' to the extent they won't play easily with others.

Zanatdy · 22/02/2024 20:14

I think it’s worth keeping the child in nursery as you’re assuming you take them out and these issues will be resolved in reception, but what if they aren’t. If there are any issues causing this it’s better they are established early on as it takes time. Could just be too young but could be more to it

Ibouncetothebeat · 22/02/2024 20:12

Look up attention autism for activities to improve attention span.
If they are teary and upset more try to find the reason why try to spot the pattern. Perhaps they need a change of routine or an adaptation.

Original poster
HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 20:11

The hours are full days, so it's pull from nursery or put up with the long hours. DC already has a ridiculously early bedtime as they are up so early in the morning. Dc stopped napping months and months ago, so I am not sure what is up

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Original poster
HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 20:10

@StarsandStones I think that's exactly it, Dc gets loves nursery and gets very hyped up. They talked about lack of focus or following instructions, refusing to do or ignoring what DC is told, ignoring peers and only noticing when peers they are upset and then being angry that they are upset ..etc. Dc can already do all the academic things expected by the end of nursery, and I think nursery like that. But DC's soft skills seem to be going downhill. My obedient, friendly kid who listens well and plays nicely at playgroup seems to behave completely differently at nursery, and I would be very unhappy if those behaviours carry on into primary school, not just for my DC's sake, but for the sake of peers and teachers

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Tatonka · 22/02/2024 20:07

Do you think he's getting too tired there and this is the cause? If so, yes reduce the hours

StarsandStones · 22/02/2024 20:05

Can I also ask what they put on this list?

StarsandStones · 22/02/2024 20:04

Before you make any decisions, can you see if his behaviour changes when he is home during a holiday with you?

And how is his sleep quality and duration? Personal experience, so may not apply to yours, but I looked online for age and amount of sleep and worked on an earlier bed time. Made a difference.

And maybe he likes it so much that he is overstimulated?

Original poster
HowNowBrow · 22/02/2024 19:57

They are quite set about how many hours DC can do (they expect full days, not half days), and the behaviour from nursery seems to come home with DC, I think that's what is bothering me. DC's attention span has died a death. DC has always had a great attention span and was veyr chilled out, and now DC is very wiggly and unfocused and is now consistently quite teary and upset by minor things. It feels like going backwards rather than forwards

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ColleenDonaghy · 22/02/2024 19:54

Agree with everyone else, don't pull him out, it's better that he learns now. Nursery will be well used to this and it's not unusual for kids to take a while to adapt. Nursery is very different to a toddler group, and it's a great stepping stone to school. I'm sure he'll get there but pulling him out won't help.

Hopefulbride18 · 22/02/2024 18:59

It doesn't sound like reducing his hours would help.. unless they're saying he does well in the morning but then finds afternoons difficult for example? Then I can see your thinking.

It is a much more formal setting than he's been exposed to before and it's only been a few months, I think give it a little more time. Is he going to school this September or next?

If you want to share, what is on the nurseries list of things he isn't doing that his peers are?

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 22/02/2024 18:51

what do you think reducing his hours would achieve, genuinely, how would that help. Nursery is v different to toddler groups and classes, it might just taking some time to settle and get used to how things are done in a bit more formal setting.