It's a lift one

I really sympathise with you op. And you are part of a community. And you are important.

I work in the CofE so in case this is helpful:

1. You could speak to the designated safeguarding officer for your parish (is this the vicar? Hope not). Their email or number (but hopefully an email) should be on their churchnearyou page or website.
2. If its not listed or they brush you off you could speak directly to the safeguarding lead at the diocese. Their name and details should definitely be on the diocesan website.

I feel myself like its possible Alf IS being financially abused, because they've taken the car for their own use, with no discussion of financially making him whole. I think you could refer him as a potentially vulnerable adult potentially being financially abused and ask if they can make an onward referral to social services.

1. Many CofE midweek services don't have music. These are often more traditional language services, and may not meet your needs in other ways, but it might be worth a look. Often on a Wednesday morning. You can check out all local to you CofE churches on AChurchNearYou.

You are being taken advantage of, massively.

The root cause of this situation is the over indulgence/lack of discipline of the son who lives at home and the failure of Alf AND his wife to insist on boundaries and fair play. Nothing you can or should do about that blatant imbalance.

You are not Alf's family. These stupidities are not your responsibility. All you'll get if you 'meddle' (in the son's opinion) is a load of trouble and you won't even get any change in the situation because none of them actually want the situation to change, each for their various reasons ... let me guess - son is doing very nicely out of it all, thank you very much; Mrs Alf is able to indulge her golden boy and Alf doesn't have to deal with any discord in the home.

All three are inflicting their poor behaviour upon you. I see nothing in scripture that compels you to sacrifice your own peace of mind so that other adults are able to drift along with no care for your well being. I'd go so far as to say the whole things smacks of lack of backbone.

Given Alf's hard of hearing state, I'd be dropping off a note through his letterbox that from say 1st March, you will have an appointment following the church service and can no longer offer a lift.

You are not a household appliance that they get to switch on and off as it suits them. Good luck.

Op, try to ignore the people that are suggesting you need to 'do the Christian thing', you have made it clear that a) you have been and b) you can't take it on as a weekly role.

I wonder how many of the people saying that would be quick to volunteer their time every week if it was to have an equivalent detrimental effect on them. Not many, I'll bet.

Funny how, if someone on here doesn't want to give a lift to a colleague, they get full support, but because you go to church you aren't allowed to not want to, even though your reasons are so much more compelling than the 'I just don't want to' you often get in those threads. Not that there's anything wrong in not doing something because you don't want to.

Op, look after yourself first. If that means an online service for a while or even forever - that's just fine!

Have you thought about staying at home and watching an online stream? Lots of churches, of all sorts of denominations, do a live stream of Sunday services these days. I'm sure god wouldn't mind. ;)

If that's not an option, you'll have to be honest, "I'm sorry Alf, but I can't continue doing weekly lifts any more. Because of my autism I just find it too stressful. It's nothing personal, but knowing you're relying on me just adds a layer of complexity that I can't manage. Perhaps you could ask "son in your literal house" or "son who is 5 mins away" to take you? Hope to see you at the service next week."

This is a really shocking thread. A vulnerable elderly man is treated appallingly by his son who steals his car, ignored by his supposedly Christian Vicar and now people on here are recommending his neighbour blocks him because she his sick of him being a vulnerable old man and doesn't want to help.

Now I don't believe in God, or that Jesus was his son. But I would not leave him in this state, I would contact the church repeatedly and be a thorn in their side until they helped, I would contact social care and get this man some help.

FFS those WhatWwouldJesusDo bands in the 90s were tiresome but you really need to have a think. Does God want you in that building singing and praying or does he want you to help and elderly frail Christian man who clearly needs it?

I do not understand religion at all.

Could you change service? At my local church the early Sunday service has no hymns.

Could you change service? At my local church the early Sunday service has no hymns.

Isn't there a 🚩flag or two about his wellbeing and sons?

I would worry about that.

1. have a word with son he lives with and Suss him out. He's living with his dad rent free but wont give him a lift. What else doesn't he do when his dad needs support?

2. what about the "5 mins away" son? He needs to contribute and know that his dad needs help.

3. sort the transport issue so he has some semi-independence. The car needs to be sold and money given to the man as its his after all.

His sons need to wake up and help!!

Or are they neglecting him and he has cone to you. Do the Christan thing. Good luck xx

I won't be able to take you to church anymore as I have an ongoing Appointment after church....

( The appointment is with a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake at home)

You may have to remind him a few times, even suggests he speaks to the vicar to ask if anyone else could do pick up /drop offs, then if he asks again you direct back to the vicar it is not your problem to solve.

With the bonus that, as you are not attending your local church, you can't be expected to offer a lift.

Attending the streamed service is a good idea, if that's available. Just be careful not to mention that to your neighbour or his sons, otherwise you'll find him at your house every week to participate. 🌹

If the vicar is unapproachable, is there a church warden you could speak to about this instead?

We used to be on a roster to take elderly people who couldn’t drive to church, it’s a pretty normal part of being a church community. Is there an organising type of person you’d feel comfortable approaching? At the average church there will be plenty of people willing and able to take a turn to help, they just need to know there’s an issue.

First, I would suggest a call to social services, or a word with you Vicar about Alf potentially being abused by his sons.

On the lift front, if church is important to you, presumably acting in a Christian manner is important too?

So is it not important to you to try and find a way to come up with a routine that suits you and gets Alf to church too?

I don’t really understand why your Autism puts this totally off the table. Surely all sorts of things change over time and while you find it harder to adapt because of your Autism, nevertheless you do so.

Could you possibly not go to church for a couple of weeks, to see whether Alf makes alternative plans, ie, gets his son to take him?

If Alf did then ask you to take him again, but you definitely wanted to tell him no, you would be able to point out that he does have an alternative method of transport.

And in order to be able to do that, we need to look after ourselves first.

Op has been helping her neighbour, but she can't continue doing that if it takes a toll on her own mental health.

I know this might not be an ideal solution long term, especially because you'll miss the social aspect - but have you thought about watching services that are streamed online? One of my local churches does that every Sunday, I believe. It started with COVID, but my understanding is that they have continued it for people that, for whatever reason, can't make the service.

It might be a good compromise. You will be in control of the volume so music might be less of an issue, it would hopefully satisfy your 'Catholic guilt' and you might not find it as stressful as an in-person service. With the bonus that, as you are not attending your local church, you can't be expected to offer a lift.

@myotherhalfisatriffid

And now I've been summoned to provide supper for a cat who cannot possibly wait another second so I shall come back to this tomorrow. Thanks all.

They are all, especially his sons, taking the Micky. You need to get your time and mental energy back. If you don't want to say anything to him in person maybe write him a letter saying you really are unable to provide this level of help any more, that you are going to step back entirely and would he please ask his sons to share what you (a non-relative) have been doing on your own. 🌹

OP, please put your own needs first (and I say that as someone who is in church every Sunday and gives up Saturday nights to take young people to what DD1 described as "Christian raves" - lively worship and lots of young people loving worshipping their saviour).
MIL is a doormat who runs church people to church and hospital visits miles away, to the extent that the only time that both she and DH were free to see one another was on the only day that both he and I don't work (guess who didn't get time with him?). Her church has a rota of drivers to help those unable to walk/drive themselves to church but she has regulars who aren't part of that rota and it is very tying.

I get where you are coming from. Apart from my dc, I hate giving lifts to people.

Thing is that they can't see that church is important to him so I think they're more of the opinion (or that's the impression that Alf's given me) that if he can't get a lift from me it's fine for him to stay home and miss it.

Then it's up to him to let his sons know that it is important to him.

How are these lifts arranged? Does he call/ message every week to ask? If so then I would respond something like, "I'll be able to give you a lift this Sunday but after this week I wont be able to continue the arrangement."

It's not your responsibility to imagine up alternatives for him when he has two perfectly capable sons to either drive him there themselves or assist him in sorting something else and I think you're tying yourself in knots over it for no reason.

It's hard but the best thing to do is politely, but briefly decline without giving excuses or offering any room for discussion.

Alf sounds like he is being abused financially. Please do something about that. People really don’t want to help anyone past there front door it’s really sad.

We should be trying to help those in the community.

I think the easiest thing to do is to tell him you
Are out before church and have plans after so won't be able to give him a lift. Tell him you have a lot of plans next month so won't be able to commit to lifts so could he arrange for someone else to get him too and back from church.