Encouraging independence in teens

At 17 DD1 went off to uni in another country living in a shared flat of 5. They were put together as they were all 17 and all coped well.

DD2 (18 in Jan) drives around a lot. Farms sits when we are away. Splits her time between home and her boyfriends houses (his parents are divorced). Waitressed in a posh restaurant last summer full time with a vile chef. Can cook properly and clean. Will be going to uni next year and living with bf. They are going interrailing this summer after their exams.

DSD also 18 in Jan is less keen to be independent but can cook and keep house fairly well.

18 year old girl who is always out plus she works 3 days a week and college the rest of the time. 16 year old boy who is less social but has just started a p/t job and he does go to the gym a few evenings a week. To be fair there isn’t much to do where we live especially in the winter.

Maybe you could help him by going over other stuff with him. Does he know how to launder his clothes, buy food for the week and prepare meals, or pay his bills? Explain that you want to help because it can be a shock when you have to do it for real, and its easier to make mistakes when you still live at home.

I dont think this is about independence.

DS1 who is 17 and in year 12 is similar. Apart from school he doesn't really do anything. he doesn't spend his pocket money, finds being sociable at school enough for him so isn't bothered about then hanging out with friends at weekends. He is very high functioning ASD. He also has hypermobility and is awful at practical things so a job in a cafe or the such is just not for him. He did apply for a Saturday job in a bookshop but there isnt much else that would suit him. He is happy to read up on physics and do geography quizzes online.

DD on the other hand is 15 and has had a saturday job for a year now, she does loads with her friends etc.

DS2 is 13 and has lots of friends but they all just want to chat to each other over thier phones while playing games with each other on the PC! he does do scouts etc.

However they all are able to be independent, cook for themselves as needed, get themselves to places etc. I have found wiht DS1 that its not fair for me to impose my idea of how social I want to be on to him. He is happy so I leave him to it.

But it doesn't sound like he's lacking in independence, just that he's a bit of a homebody whose hobbies are mostly online rather than in-person?

What makes you think he would struggle to go out and do something alone?

Being forced to arrange things with mates sounds like the opposite of independence! Would you feel independent with a parent determining how you spend your free time?

Lack of desire to do anything doesn’t seem normal. Even quieter teens usually have hobbies.

In fairness, she doesn't say he doesn't have hobbies - just that he doesn't leave the house. Loads of hobbies can be done from home.

I have two very quiet teens and one extroverted one. One meets with friends occasionally but not often, yet they have a lovely friendship, I think they're all similar so that works for them. They can do what they need to when they want to go out. One rarely goes out but has asd and has a lot of anxiety about going out so isn't very independent at all. My other is much more extroverted and is out a lot and much more independent, probably more independent than their two older siblings. Sometimes it's just personality. I guess the main thing is, is he happy?

Lack of desire to do anything doesn’t seem normal. Even quieter teens usually have hobbies.
Maybe book a few university open days and go and look together - they start June yr 12. It will at least get conversations started about what next.
I don’t think hours in room all summer is great I’d encourage a job for skills and social side. Plus it’s easier to get a job under 18 in lots of areas, once 18 wages are higher and they expect more experience. I’d recommend McDonalds - pays well and the one my dd works at they put them where suits best so lots of lads do kitchen, she is good with customers so just does headset drive thru.

In the circumstances if you want to encourage independence/moving on I would be inclined to have a conversation along the lines of are you interested in doing anything over the summer/can we support you with helping your uni application look better.

Get him out and about but being supportive.

Lots of summer schools for various subjects, or perhaps you could persuade him to try some hobbies in the interest of "having a more interesting uni application".

Or he could be persuaded to try out some jobs to see if he likes them?

He sounds like a pretty normal, introverted seventeen year old to me.

What does he do at home?

My kids were like this but we live in the countryside so it was harder to do stuff. They rarely had play dates, sleepovers, parties, no part time jobs. My friends always commented how my kids were coddled/sheltered too much and would never be independent. They are now 21 and 19. One has been living in Japan for over a year and the other is at Uni in America.

I would largely leave him be, other than making sure he gets some fresh air every day and you have a chat and laugh with him every day. No rush to suddenly be an adult.

Is he planning to go to uni/apprenticeship?

Mine weren't particularly sociable in the winter months until they could drive themselves.

Buses aren't an attractive option in a rainy winter.

Also my DS mostly games online with his friends, there was no point going round as the each only had one gaming set up.

Mine are 13 and 16 and are always making plans. DD16 has taken friends to stay with GPs in London, they go into town, cinema, swimming, play footy, hang out at friends houses, organise sleepovers, have friends over and bake or do homework or watch sports / play Xbox. DD babysits locally

17 can be a tricky age because you are still barred from a lot of pubs and clubs.

Still I was doing stuff like bowling, going to sports events, cinema at that age.

If he is going to uni maybe he can find more of a social life there.

Difficult as he’s not your child. Has your DH spoken to him about plans for next year?

i assumed you would be asking about a much younger child. My two have been out with friends since around 10 tbh, eg off to the park with a few friends and a football. Have these kind of meet ups not happened at all?

Mine work.

I insist on it.

They do not see what I see - they are more confident when they work. In command, busy, and kind of thriving. On some level they are proving to themsleves that they can take on their life.
They also get a kick out of going on school trips/ days out or simply buying something for themsleves that I will not (on a point of principal!).

They are not in uni yet.

Dd got a job at 14 and has worked ever since. I've always expected her to be age appropriately independent since starting secondary, plus she's always had lots of autonomy which I think helps. She now at Uni and whilst still financially reliant on me, she's very self-sufficient when it comes to everything else.

Tbh, I think there could be other stuff going on with your son, because no social life and no job at 17 isn't normal and isn't good for him.

I was against my OH when at 16, all three turn by turn, our children did 6 weeks at their place, summer hols work. I was wrong as it was the best thing and they have been on their two feet since

PT work is a good idea

They live in a different world to the one we grew up in. I am a 70s child so 3 TV channels growing up and only a small portion of that suitable for my age group. Radio was king. Therefore we went to youth clubs as a place to hang out a couple of times a week. Now everything is at your fingertips and on demand, want to watch a film? Netflix, Amazon, Youtube, no need to pay to go to the cinema, want to chat to your friends? Do it on headsets whilst playing games together. You can see why they don't really need to leave the house. We were often kicked out so my parents could get some peace.

As for independence, mine never had "Saturday" jobs, as far as I was concerned their job was to excel in school. Ds got a summer internship like lots in year 2 of uni that led to a graduate job. Independence in other areas, yes, dishwasher emptying, laundry, cleaning, cooking family dinners, taking bins out, helping with gardening or any other DIY task we asked them to participate in.

Can they read a bus/train timetable? Do they know how to buy a ticket? Can they choose food in supermarkets for weekly shopping? These things are important to foster becoming a functioning adult.

PT job is very helpful to develop skills. I think not working at sixth form does them no favours.
Mine also learned to drive.
I’d also encourage a volunteer role - my 18 yr old volunteers one evening a week.
Cooking - get them on rota to cook for the family each week.