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Original poster

Being woken "gently"

34 replies

mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 10:51

I'm possibly being unreasonable, but then again, possibly not!

My DH sometimes has to travel further afield for work, and therefore has to leave early. When he does this, he always likes to kiss me goodbye before he goes, even when I'm sleeping. He only leaves about 15 minutes or so before my regular alarm goes off, so I have no problem with being woken earlier and actually I think it's sweet after 20+ years of marriage that he still wants to do this.

However, my issue is that he, trying to be considerate, creeps around getting ready quietly so as not to wake me, and then swoops down to give me a very gentle kiss before leaving which startles me awake. It's really uncomfortable to wake up because I have the sensation of someone swooping down towards me.

I've tried to explain to him that kissing me before he goes is always going to wake me, and I'd rather be woken up by normal noise than by the sensation of someone moving down towards me. I've also explained that I'm fine waking up a bit earlier on the days that he's leaving early. But still he insists on creeping around because he "doesn't want to wake me". I think as a man, he just doesn't understand that a sleeping women is vulnerable and the sensation of someone swooping down towards you while you are sleeping is startling and sets off a physical response. It actually takes me a couple of hours to not feel a bit jittery after being woken like this.

So, am I unreasonable to tell him to not bloody kiss me goodbye in the mornings if I'm not already awake?

OP posts:
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Sceptical123 · 23/03/2024 07:52

I cannot believe the resigned acceptance most women on here have for their partners being such inconsiderate, selfish pricks!

You admit that it startles you awake and you’ve asked them on more than one occasion to stop it - just being aware they’ve startled you to consciousness should have been the kick up the arse they needed to stop it - but no, it’s sweet, he doesn’t mean to rapidly accelerate my heart rate and put me in a state of fight or flight when I’m at my most vulnerable, risking triggering a heart attack and other cardio vascular related incidents - bless him! 🥹

Are you bloody serious?!

This may be excusable for small children who don’t know any better but for grownups adult males who presumably are mentally equipped to be leaving independently for work there’s just no excuse. They’re selfish arseholes. They may even enjoy your reaction, which is why they’re doing it. It’s putting their wish to kiss, or as I read on one shocking post - put their hands all over your body (🤢) - ahead of your wishes and ultimately well being. You’ve asked them to stop but they want to kiss you. It’s a power thing, it’s not affection, if they genuinely cared they’d stop when you asked them to/could see that it frightened you etc.

Either you don’t actually mind and it’s just something those silly men-folk do bc they lurve you so much they can’t help themselves, the sweet little rascals,

or you’re deluding yourself.

They can stop. They don’t want to. They don’t care you don’t like it. You will accept it bc they’re the man and you will be submissive bc that’s how it works in relationships doesn’t it.

Fucking hell.

Ariela · 22/02/2024 17:50

I get a cup of tea first, so it's easy.

Vonesk · 22/02/2024 17:38

Hey, do you know what time HIS alarm is set to????????????
Sorry but you will have to set your alarm half an hour before that.
Then gently wake him by squirting your mothers milk in his face. ,( if you have any)

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/02/2024 12:35

@AgricClucky31 🤣🤣

AgricClucky31 · 22/02/2024 12:25

My husband learned not to do this very early into our marriage.

He'd been on a night shift and came home about 6.30am. He saw me sleeping and quietly climbed up the bed, quietly bent down towards me to kiss me.

I must have felt a presence, jolted awake with a loud "Uughh!" Immediately saw his surprised face inches from mine - In the first throws of being awakened, I didn't recognise him!

I jumped and SCREAMED a second loud "Aaarggghh!!" And thrust my arms out to defend myself!

It frightened him to death too and I may have hit him in the throat! 🙈

Lessons were learned that day... by all. 😆

ancienticecream · 22/02/2024 09:41

Ask him for an extra kiss as you get into bed, one for 'goodnight' and the other is for 'goodbye for the morning'.

I'm with you, I'd just like to be left to sleep and not be jolted awake.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/02/2024 09:34

Just tell him to stop doing it! Why are you tiptoeing around the issue??

“Hey DP, please can you not kiss me before you leave for work as I’m asleep and it makes me wake up startled "

His “need” to kiss you doesn’t trump your need to not be kissed…

Grah · 22/02/2024 09:26

My husband hasn't kissed me goodbye for about 18 yrs (even when going away) so I'm a little jealous.

northernbeee · 22/02/2024 09:24

mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 10:51

I'm possibly being unreasonable, but then again, possibly not!

My DH sometimes has to travel further afield for work, and therefore has to leave early. When he does this, he always likes to kiss me goodbye before he goes, even when I'm sleeping. He only leaves about 15 minutes or so before my regular alarm goes off, so I have no problem with being woken earlier and actually I think it's sweet after 20+ years of marriage that he still wants to do this.

However, my issue is that he, trying to be considerate, creeps around getting ready quietly so as not to wake me, and then swoops down to give me a very gentle kiss before leaving which startles me awake. It's really uncomfortable to wake up because I have the sensation of someone swooping down towards me.

I've tried to explain to him that kissing me before he goes is always going to wake me, and I'd rather be woken up by normal noise than by the sensation of someone moving down towards me. I've also explained that I'm fine waking up a bit earlier on the days that he's leaving early. But still he insists on creeping around because he "doesn't want to wake me". I think as a man, he just doesn't understand that a sleeping women is vulnerable and the sensation of someone swooping down towards you while you are sleeping is startling and sets off a physical response. It actually takes me a couple of hours to not feel a bit jittery after being woken like this.

So, am I unreasonable to tell him to not bloody kiss me goodbye in the mornings if I'm not already awake?

If my DH gets up before me he kisses my back - i'm usually semi awake anyway.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/02/2024 07:16

Tea thread yesterday

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/02/2024 07:15

I don't have this reflex but I get it.

The thing I can't get my head round is how you've given him the exact recipe for a welcome wake up and he has ignored it! I can't imagine someone telling me they dislike something I do and giving me a really easy adjustment and me taking no notice.

Can you make one of those videos where you don't speak but hold cards with sentences on and drop them to reveal the next - Very Clear.

It shouldn't have to come to this but... 🤣

P.s that idea was inspired by the trees that yesterday where a DH had ignored tears of requests to put less milk in until she did a video of her making her own tea, now he has reduced how much milk he's added! 🙄🤣🤣

bradpittsbathwater · 22/02/2024 02:34

YANBU. I hate being woken up even by a kiss.

Emma8888 · 22/02/2024 02:26

I'm a ridiculously light sleeper so there's no chance I'd sleep through someone else getting ready and I'd be fully awake before they got within 10 feet of me if they came back into the room after being in another part of the house and I'd gone back to sleep. But if I was the OP I'd ask DP to say 'Hey Emma, I'm heading out now' to wake me up before coming in for a kiss so they wouldn't be in my personal space when I actually woke up.

RantyAnty · 22/02/2024 00:48

I guess on the surface it seems nice but when you really think about it it isn't all that nice.

he's putting his own selfish whims ahead of your feelings of safety when asleep and also sleep in general

he could always do something else like leave a note for you or have your tea or coffee ready for when you wake up. I think it would be much more loving than creeping on you when you're asleep

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2024 00:48

YANBU

My DH has done this and I startled him because as he was leaning down to kiss me, I woke up, my eyes snapping open and asking what he was doing? 😂

I’ve always been one of those sleepers who wakes up if there is an unfamiliar noise and a much lighter sleeper after having children unless I’m exhausted.

Remaker · 22/02/2024 00:37

This wouldn’t bother me and I would possibly sleep through the kiss lol. But DH has a really strong startle reflex and I would never lean over him as he would probably sit bolt upright and head butt me.

Not that I’m recommending this as a strategy of course…

chattyness · 22/02/2024 00:27

YANBU
My DH used to give me a really sharp dig in the ribs,bedside light on, it was horrible to wake up to quite scary actually, but once I told him he was hurting and scaring me because I was in a deep sleep he was very apologetic and from then on he just started reaching out gently and quietly, so much better.

Could your DH swap to kissing you softly on the cheek or back of the neck before he gets out of bed instead ?

Musntapplecrumble · 22/02/2024 00:01

Springisintheairohyeah · 21/02/2024 16:26

My OH did something similar recently and I punched him in the face (not intentionally - just a totally unconscious just coming out of a deep sleep and taken by surprise reaction). He hasn't done it again.

That should sort it...😂

Springisintheairohyeah · 21/02/2024 16:26

My OH did something similar recently and I punched him in the face (not intentionally - just a totally unconscious just coming out of a deep sleep and taken by surprise reaction). He hasn't done it again.

Mumoftwo1312 · 21/02/2024 16:08

sunflowersd · 21/02/2024 14:40

As he’s trying to connect with you, could you ask him to leave you a quick note to find when you wake up instead? That way shows you love the thought but allows you to sleep?

This is a really lovely idea. You could set up a post it notebook and pen on your bedside table.

For a while when my dd was about 1yo, I used to have to sneak out to work really early before either dh or dd woke up. (Dh would then get dd to nursery a couple of hours later). It was heartbreaking not to be able to say bye in the morning... but we have a Ring doorbell so I'd wave and say something to them on that, and dh could watch it with her when they got up.

My dd's routine then shifted earlier so they'd get up with me.

Doormatnomore · 21/02/2024 16:07

I’d suggest he gives you a kiss before he gets up, so from his pillow if you see what I mean. Then he can blow you one from the bedroom door on the way out. Which sounds weird but I do this to the kids if I’m leaving when they are asleep

Original poster
mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 16:01

ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:47

But.... How has it taken 20 years to come to this?

It's only recently that due to children being grown up and changes in job roles that he's sometimes leaving home before I'm awake.

It's actually been reassuring to hear that other women would have this reflex too! DH is a real softie and would never, ever hurt me, so it was quite disturbing to find myself being freaked out by him leaning over to kiss me while asleep. However much I trust DH (and I really do) it seems to be an instinctive reaction that I don't have any control over.

OP posts:
ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:47

But.... How has it taken 20 years to come to this?

ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:45

Ask him, specifically, to crouch at the side of the bed, wake you first, and then kiss you? And if he swoops, scream.

sunflowersd · 21/02/2024 14:40

As he’s trying to connect with you, could you ask him to leave you a quick note to find when you wake up instead? That way shows you love the thought but allows you to sleep?

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