It’s an inheritance one!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I just find it a bit sanctimonious to lecture someone with cancer who's worrying about her children's future. I have no idea how the conversation came up but if it was me in those circumstances and I was close to my sister, I'd be a bit blindsided that she was saying that to me. Lots of posters telling her off for being entitled when I don't think that's where she's coming from at all. We have no idea if OP even asked about her sister's will in the first place.

Most people would be upset and worried enough in OP's position without a sibling coming out with a comment like that. In my experience, people who will away their entire estates like that are either not very nice, or their families aren't. There's usually distance or estrangement going on, not close family like this. I've never come across this scenario without some kind of toxic backstory, so I do think it's pretty sanctimonious to pretend otherwise and come along and lecture the OP.

I also don't think OP is trying to get her sister cut out at all.

OP receiving family help isn't the point - it's about the sister who has been happy to benefit from something she doesn't see any need for when it comes to her own family.

Agreeing to be her children's guardian is amazing, but I might wonder if my sister either meant it or had a rather strange idea of what that entailed given what she's said.

I don't have any issue with what you've posted, ProvincialLady but why are you calling posters 'sanctimonious'?

You're also referencing family money that OP's sister has had - well OP had it too. Nothing at all has been said about that.

Two of my brothers are childless. I have no idea what they plan to do with their wills and honestly, I don't want to know. It causes so much discord in families and that is where the entitlement sets in. Honestly, the talk of OP's sister being made to pay back the family money she received... where's the fairness in that?

OP's sister has said that she will look after OP's children should OP die. That is a huge undertaking and the most definite sign of love that I can think of. Should that happen then it's quite possible that their aunt will look out for them financially. Bear in mind that OP and her husband, the children's parents, will also have done this.

I wonder if OP's sister has heard quite a bit about wills and family money pots and just wants the conversation to stop. If I were asked about my financial planning after my death I might say 'everything going to charity' just to shut people up. It's certainly one way to find out if the fawning is 'in anticipation'.

The post from another poster upthread suggesting that OP speak to her parents about sister's notion of leaving her money to charity - in the hope that parents would make total provision for OP's children (rather than just her share), cutting sister out, made me queasy.

Fundamental error made asking/talking about provisions of the will(s). Nobody has the right to this information during a person's lifetime. It causes nothing but aggro.

Your sibling is entitled to leave their money to whoever they want. If they had children, they’d be leaving it to them, so your children wouldn’t be seeing any of it then anyway. It just happens that they don’t have children and they wish to leave it to a charity.

I don’t have, and won’t have, children, but my sibling does. I don’t have anyone to leave my money or estate too, so I will enjoy my life and spend what I want. Any left over will be split between charities that I support, but I do plan on leaving something for my niece. Not the full estate though.

This really. Who's to say someone won't marry at any time and want to leave it to their partner.

My view is that you should be thankful if someone leaves it to you, and not angry if they don't. And don't be surprised if life comes along and puts a huge spanner in the works even if you think you are getting something.

Many parents choose not to leave their kids large amounts of money because they feel it is appropriate for them to make their own way in life. I don't think that means those parents love their kids any less. it just means they have a different parenting style to most. I don't believe anyone has the right to judge them on that decision.

As a childless aunt it makes me a bit sad that someone in my position wouldn't want to leave something to their niece or nephew. Especially as they don't seem to leaving it to anyone else but to a charity.

Personally anything I leave is likely to to go to DN.

I also agreed to be a guardian when DN was a child.

Certainly I would want any family heirlooms to stay within the family rather than being sold by a charity to raise funds.

I would also want to provide for DN's future though. They are an adult and earning now but in a low paid industry doing pretty physical work and I would like to think anything I might leave would help them to be more secure in later life, maybe set up a business or perhaps retire a little earlier or more comfortably or if they have children to help them.

nor are we talking about your grabby distant relative or a nephew you barely see who doesn't send thank-you cards.

Actually we dont know its not the second one

The OP has been asked how close her children are to her sister but hasnt actually confirmed anything other than "not as close as I thought"

So for all we know the OPs children are nephews the sister barely sees who don't sent thank you cards

This. So much sanctimonious waffle on here. Of course it's OP's sister's money to do with what she wishes, but there's no way I would choose to leave every penny to charity if there were close loved family who may be in need. All the more so having benefitted from other family members helping me financially! It's just unkind.
Of course this is all hopefully many years into the future and may not even be an issue, but for me it doesn't pass the test of either love or fairness given the background and surrounding circumstances.
And to say it's entitled - that is just nonsense. There is obviously no legal entitlement, but nor are we talking about your grabby distant relative or a nephew you barely see who doesn't send thank-you cards. This is about a seriously ill OP with two children who is close to her sister, who has herself been the beneficiary of other family members.
It's a false dichotomy to say that love has nothing to do with choosing who you may eventually leave something to. After after you're gone the money is a tangible symbol of that love and care. To put it another way - if you love someone and are able to help make their life better in some way, you do.
That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with leaving a gift to charity too. But choosing one exclusively over the other, you make your priorities clear - as is your right. I wouldn't expect it in a close family though unless money was really no object for any potential recipients.

Its wierd how childless posters are so often told that they dont understand how difficult it is to parent children, how tiring it is, how much time it takes, how much your life changes

Yet apparently here it seems it cant possibly be that much time and effort. Because the sister is willing to take on children that arent hers and raise them yet apparently that's not a sign of how much love there is, or how close they are, unless she also backs it up financially

My sibling and I are the only niece/nephew of a childless aunt. I am told we are in her will but I absolutely expect nothing from her (and she's a fair bit younger than her sibling/my parent so plenty of years to change her mind).

If she wanted to leave us a small sum each I would view that as a nice gesture, but equally if she wants to leave it to the dogs home, that's her prerogative. We are not her responsibility.

My sibling is childless also and again, while it would be nice to leave my children something, I would not expect it. My children are my responsibility, my life has been about my children - my sibling has an entirely different life and besides, if they'd had children of their own, their money would never have come anywhere near my children

I really do hate the notion that everyone thinks they should tell childless ppl what to do with their money. If they'd have had children, their money wouldn't be up for grabs so anything inherited from them is a bonus imo.

As pointed out by a pp, your sibling has offered to be the guardian for your children should the worst happen - that's a much bigger gesture and more difficult to carry out than simply leaving them money and surely demonstrates their love for you and them.

Your sisters will has absolutely nothing to do with you op, whether you like it or not.

Each individual has the chance to make a will for their assets, belongings, & wishes to be carried out after they have departed

If there is no will, there are Government rules

You have no power over any other person

This talk of the family pot is just a load of bollocks. Fact is there is no family pot.

Once the money has been given to someone it’s theirs to do with as they please. Presumably it wasn’t given as a loan? In which case how the sister spends it and who she leaves it to is absolutely nobody else’s business but her’s.

Personally I think nobody has any business discussing anyone else’s will. No good ever comes of it.

Oh pack it in.

If my sister had cancer and two kids and I had no dependents there's no way my will wouldn't have the children as beneficiaries.

OP, this 'family pot' that you keep on about... you've had money out of it too. You were allowed to do what you wanted with it, free and clear. Did you use that money for anybody else in the family, other than your own? I suspect you didn't.

You have your eyes on what your sister had, when you were given the same thing. If you have this attitude in reality then it will be truly obvious. It's not about fostering close relationships with your sister because it's blighted by this stupid 'family pot' argument. Just stop it.

Honestly, if you want a close relationship with your sister (who has already promised to look after your children should you die) then make one. That's on you, and you'll need to stop focusing on money, it's really obvious. I wonder if your sister has cottoned on to this hence her decision as, to any reasonable person, they would consider the matter closed... but not you. You are completely fixated.

But how isn't it true?

You have literally posted that you think the money should go to your children because that's the more correct/worthy/traditional/appropriate use of it than it being given to charity

By wanting your sister to leave her money where you think she should rather than where she thinks she should this does actually make that posters comments true

It's really noble of you not to want to effect what your parents leave to your sibling even though you know they might be disappointed with your DS's plans, you seem like a lovely person in a horrid position and I'm so sorry you are ill.

My childless Uncle has told me he plans to leave all the children in the family some money to help them get on the ladder. Which is awfully kind and unexpected. He is married but they are both wealthy and she plans to leave her wealth to her family.

You're saying the help was likely given to the sibling with the intention of paying it forward, but giving to charity is very much paying it forward.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and your fears for your DC, that must be truly awful to be dealing with, but it sounds like the best thing to do is have a conversation with your parents and sibling and work on setting up the practical/financial side of things.
I think you should also try as much as possible to separate the issue of closeness from financial support, it sounds like this is upsetting you which is very valid but may be a misread of the situation.
I have an uncle and aunt who would have been brilliant guardians if needed but life didn't take that turn and although they care about me a lot, I know they've left everything in their will to charity. In their case, they're childfree but have taken on a parental-like role for several non-family members at different times, due to their professions, which I'm sure makes it harder to choose just one or a few beneficiaries.

There isn't really any such thing as family money, unless it is in a trust.

No doubt the OP has designs on someone elses money because they envisage it will be used "correctly" in the way they deem appropriate.

The reality is once someone has control of money they can do what they want with it. There is no guarantee their kids will use it for purposes deemed "worthy" such as funding education or housing or furthering the "family interest". They might choose to blow the whole lot on booze, gambling and fast cars or fund a worldwide criminal empire instead.

It’s about feeling my DC will be looked out for by wider family. Rightly or wrongly I’d like that to be the case.

This would be about the sister who has agreed to be the guardian of the children if necessary? Who would literally change her entire life to look after the children if required.

But who is considered to not be "looking out" for those children unless she also provides financially for them.

Perhaps the sister has made a point of raising her will because she's a little tired of her time and energy not being considered about effort for her family, unless she also bank rolls them. I wonder how much of this attitude is coming across in every day life

However, a will made now is for that, now, and I’m just surprised that, having taken out of the family pot they wouldn’t look to repay even part of that back into the family pot.
I don't know if you read my post, but I suggested that as this was such a massive thing to you, perhaps you would feel better if that family money was paid back. Then perhaps you'd be happier that she was leaving the rest to charity