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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s an inheritance one!

385 replies

BacktoBreathe · 18/02/2024 07:57

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 18/02/2024 08:11

YABU. I assume if you're moderately wealthy, as you say, then you own your own home (or mortgaged). If you were a wise person you would have taken critical illness and life cover on the mortgage. This would give you two payouts, one lump sum when the cancer was diagnosed, and a further payment when you die, that pays off the house. On top of the speculated inheritance from your parents, this would be a good future inheritance for your DC and your sibling's money should not come in to it.

You're sounding incredibly entitled, expecting your sibling to make your DC beneficiaries in their will.

User5512 · 18/02/2024 08:10

Your brother and you got/will get help/inheritance from your parents. Not from uncles/aunts. Do you see the point?

CampervanKween · 18/02/2024 08:09

I agree with you OP. Life is tough, and if family can help each other out I think they should. Absolute waste leaving it to charity.

Midnlghtrain · 18/02/2024 08:08

I'm sorry to hear you're unwell and worried about security for your children in the future.

Realistically, if you were to die before your sibling - would your parents not give your part of the inheritance to your DC? Why would your sibling need to step in to cover this? If they do outlive you, it's likely they'll end up spending the money on their own life?

Will your DC not inherit / get support from their father's side? It's more on him, rather than your sibling. Do you not have any type of life insurance that will pay out for your DC?

Noicant · 18/02/2024 08:07

Yeah I had kids late, always intended to share any inheritance out between our nieces and nephews before we decided to have DC. If one of my siblings had cancer I would definitely be taking that into consideration when drawing up my will.

Look it’s her money and she has every right to do whatever she wants with it and you really shouldn’t criticise her for it but it’s probably not the choice I would make.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/02/2024 08:07

I've not voted because while I know I wouldn't be making that will given your family set up, I can't quite sign up to saying that family should always inherit. I'm sorry about your diagnosis and I wish you all the best for your treatment. I think it was insensitive of your sibling to tell you about their will in the present circumstances, when it should be obvious you will be worried about your children's future.

Possibly rather than talking to your sibling about the will, it would be best to have a frank talk about whether the sibling would feel able to become their guardian if needed?

Whatsinthebag2 · 18/02/2024 08:06

Yabu, sorry. My brother has no children either. Until reading this thread it have never crossed my mind where he would leave his money.

I wonder if this is more to do with you having been ill, which I am sorry to read, and feeling your own mortality, and maybe a worry about your children in the future ? That's possibly something to unpack yourself - but your brother's money has nothing to do with it.

Dotdashdottinghell · 18/02/2024 08:05

But they are your children, not your siblings. You need to make the provisions for them that you can, and hope for the best.
Sorry about your cancer.

porridgecake · 18/02/2024 08:05

OP I took from your post that mainly you are worried about what happens to your children if you die prematurely.
You need to appoint a guardian in your will and that is the conversation you need to have with yoir sister, leaving money out of it.
Ask her if she is willing to be named guardian or if you need to ask someone else.
This is much more important than anything else.

10ThousandSpoons · 18/02/2024 08:00

If I were your sibling I would be so upset with you. They've told you their will so that there's no surprises for you and instead you're judging them and posting about it on the Internet as if it's such a horrific thing to do. Do you even like them? HOW DARE you make their death about you and your child.