It’s an inheritance one!

I agree with OP and would be having an open and honest conversation with my sibling about my fears for the future.

Exactly

It's how I feel. If my sister did this to me I'd find it very hard to forgive.

I’m your sibling in this scenario OP.

My husband and I are child free and have a decent amount of wealth, some of it inherited. But we do not subscribe to the view that this money should be kept within the family - our wills leave every penny we have to charities we’re passionate about, so our money can do a lot of good after we’re gone.

Family members can do what they want with their money, including leaving it to whoever or whatever they wish. Ditto for us and I would genuinely be appalled if anyone in our family was side eyeing us and our money!

We need more from OP on their relationship and closeness.

I don’t have kids and was so excited to become an auntie and had visions of a close relationship and maybe the kids coming to stay with me in school holidays and us going on days out. It became very clear to me that my DB and DSIL didn’t share this vision. Fine, they are their kids. I see the family every month or two at Sunday lunch when we all go to my parents. I’m sure my DB would say we have a ‘close’ relationship. For me it doesn’t feel like that. I think they have come to my house once in three years. Will I leave a few million quid to kids I see for a few hours less than once a month? Can’t say I am planning on it to be honest.

When people used to be named heirs by aunts and uncles it was rarely all the nieces and nephews, it was the favourites who actually were expected to put in the legwork and see the relative regularly and maintain the relationship. It’s unfashionable to say that now- because we are expected to treat everyone “equally”. but my will favours the big parts of my life, one godchild that I see a lot of, a trust to look after my pets and then to charity.

I get you are unhappy that your sibling has stated they are leaving their money to charity but your fears about your children don't make much sense to me. I presume they have a father or other family who would take care of them in the event of your early death. You don't mention any concerns in that respect, though PP seem to have assumed they are some.

You only mention not being able to help your children buy property. That would be at least 15 to 20 years hence if they are primary school now. Do you expect your sibling to be dead within that time frame? Are they much older than you or are you a much older parent? Most young adults in their 20s and 30s have living parents. Most uncles and aunts won't be funding nieces and nephews to buy houses in their middle years, single, childless or otherwise. Plus have you not considered that in the event of your death, your sibling's connection to your children could change in their favour?

This is more about your fears of possibly letting your children down by dying and maybe anger at your sibling, rather than any real tangible concern. If your sibling had children, would you have the same expectation they fund your grown up children?

Assuming your siblings does acquire assets from your parents and does not use them in their own lifetime then I'm of the view those should be left within the family. Wealth the sibling created themself they can do as they please with. Perhaps you could talk to your parents about their own will on the basis of making sure that if you predecease them your 'share' should go to your children and not revert to sibling - this will depend entirely on right wording so justifiable to check. If your parents realise in the course of the conversation what your sibling's will says then they may choose to write their own in a different way (e.g. life interest only to sibling).

I can’t believe this voting 😦
This is ISN’T how my family is at all.

I suppose it’s a combo of weird MN moral high ground and the classic MN trope of “no one owes you anything”
“you must never expect anything”
“if your SIL gives you a half eaten sandwich for Christmas you should be grateful! as it’s the thought that counts and she probably put loads of effort into it”

I'm child free and one sister also is. One sister has 2 children.

I don't know about the other cf sister but since a large portion of my mothers estate is going to the grandchildren, nothing from my estate will be.

I'm not close to them, that's a lack of effort on both sides at times. But I have chosen family I'm closer to and I would want them to benefit.

Wow dramatic much?

Someone with cancer worrying about the future of their kids and saddened that they've just found out that it looks like they can't rely on any help from their sibling and therefore asking for advice on an anonymous internet forum is not horrific.

The brutal gang rape of girls during the invasion of Ukraine is horrific, the beheading of babies in Israel during the terrorist Hamas attack is horrific.

Try and develop a sense of empathy. If you were worried about dying while your kids were young you might need to sound off too.

@BacktoBreathe in your situation I would be sad too. I wouldn't expect anything from my sibling but I would have hoped they would want to help their family. I know if I was in their position so long as I had a good relationship with them, I would want to leave at least half to charity but the rest to family.

Did you speak to your sibling at all about this?

I can say I do know someone in this position who does not plan to leave their money to the nieces and nephews. In that instance, the person does not get along with their sibling, they don't fight bet there is no common ground. Furthermore despite always doing their best with their siblings offspring, they themselves don't get so much as a xmas card now those kids are young adults.

Could your sibling feel quite distant from you as a family unit?

Would you have written the same post if your sibling had a child?
I guess not. So yes, you are very unreasonable.

However, if you are worried about your DC financial future, there is a lot you can do to ensure that they will be just fine. And none will involve inheriting money from aunts or uncles.

You have built your life around your children, so want to support them, why shouldn’t your sister be able to support what she cares about too?

Exactly - and if I was the OP I'd now be assuming she didn't care about her nieces/nephews.

Surely the key things here are 1)how often does your sister see you children and how close is their relationship? 2) what is the provision for your children if you are no longer around to care of them?

If your kids see your sister one every month or two for an afternoon, and do so begrudgingly, then I think she will have other things that she fills her life with.

If they see each other a few times a month and have outings together and has a strong bond with them then you are not being unreasonable

Leaving out the specifics of your situation, I think “keeping money in the family” is a huge driver of inequality, and leaving it to charity is probably the moral thing to do.

What kind of relationship does your sibling have with your children?

I think what you really need is an honest conversation with all of your family about what happens to your children if you die - financially, practically, emotionally. Really difficult but really important.

I don't even know if my childless brother has a will. If they do, I have no idea what is in it. I do know it's 100% their choice who they leave it to.

I hope your health will be fine from here and your concerns for your children won't come to pass. I would consider appointing a guardian for your children and making a will to set your children up as best you can should it be necessary. This is something every parent needs to do.

OP does not say that all the financial help she and her sibling (she doesn't say brother or sister) received came from their parents. She says family. She then also mentions the possibility of inheriting money from her parents in the future. It's entirely possible that some of the money came from grandparents, uncles, aunts, great-aunts, great-uncles and cousins.

To be honest, it sounds like your child will have a large enough inheritance from you that they wouldn't need anything from your sister anyway, as you already have a decent amount of assets and due to get another £150k to top that up

I’m a single person and have lost my chance to have children. As is I have built a full life of my own focused on other things. When I die I want to support those things I have built my life around.

You have built your life around your children, so want to support them, why shouldn’t your sister be able to support what she cares about too?

What kind of person, especially knowing their sibling was critically ill, would choose to leave their money away from their DN's and instead give it to charity?

That's not my idea of how family acts.

But this is mumsnet, where nobody owes anyone anything and we should all be pathetically grateful if our parents offer to look after our kids once a year.

OP, YANBU - this is callous of your sibling in my opinion.

I agree with you OP. Even if they left half to charity and half to your DC, that would be fine. It just seems to me a shame that they wouldn't want to help out their nieces / nephews if they could.

I think it was essential the sibling told OP so that OP can take it into account when planning for her children. OP has assumed the sibling would leave some to her children and that isn't what's happening. So yes while it is a difficult and uncomfortable conversation now is exactly the time to have it.

I always think this is a tough one. We've got a similar thing. Grandparents left 2/4 children inheritance and nothing for the other 2 simply because they believed 2 needed it more. Its was a big sum of money. Grandchildren got nothing. Those 2 that got the inheritance have no children and is highly unlikely to come to us, their nieces and nephews. It's not nice to think family would rather give it away than help family but it is what is it. There's just no point being angry or upset.
I don't think your unreasonable thinking your sister might have left your DC something but I wouldn't spend time letting it annoy you and I don't think money had to necessarily stay in the family either. Especially as families come is so many shapes and sizes these days.

Are you and your DC close to your sister? Maybe she just doesn't think its necessary, especially as people without children won't be thinking too much about the difficulties of the next generation as parents do. Or maybe she is leaving some to them and just hasn't told you.

Agree with very sensible pp about approaching your siblings, being very honest about being scared for your children's future and can you depend on your sibling to help them should the worst happen? Don't bring money into it. Ask if your sibling would be happy to be loving, helpful family member (not a parent) a shoulder to cry on, somewhere to go for Christmas etc. that's all you can do.

Your siblings money is theirs to do what they wish with. I would also be trying to encourage a relationship between your children and siblings. NOT for the inheritance but because they may need lots of adults in their life to support them in the future. Hopefully it isn't needed but it wouldn't be a bad thing regardless.

Also if they don't have a good relationship now why would your kids get anything??

Sorry to hear about cancer

You need a will and guardianship in place

Have you discussed with sibling what happens if you die

Is father in the picture - will look after them ?