It’s an inheritance one!

Are your parents aware of your sister’s intentions? Could they amend their will to make sure your half would go to your children in the event that they outlived you? (Sorry,that sounds so harsh. Sorry you’re going through this).

@BacktoBreathe it is fairly easy and common for your parents to add to their will that your share goes to your children if you pre decease them - my parents do in their will and I am an only child.

indeed given your circumstances it makes the most sense to ring fence it for your children

I generally feel that it's up to an individual what they do in their will, and that no one should expect or have a right to an inheritance.

However in your position, it's not your siblings will I'd feel aggrieved by, but your parents.
Knowing your health and life expectancy, it seems hurtful that their assets go wholly to your sibling if you predecease your parents. Even if they don't want assets to go to your DH, why not leave 'your share' in trust for your children?

The question is what happens if one of your kids won't have kids also and they are given money and etc etc - this is all totally highly hypothetical. Can you honestly say, with the heart of your hearts that uncles and aunts are always leaving money to nephews and nieces or rather you are making a very far fetched argument

That's an interesting take on it.

Arguably, it's far more individualistic to leave money to family if you know (or at least believe) that they will already be well provided for. If you truly believe in the concept of mutual responsibility, duty and caring for one another, then you might well choose to leave your money to a charity that will help those who are most in need of such support.

Not especially, given she won't be needing the money herself. It's got to go somewhere. If family members are wealthy and don't need it or if you're estranged from them then a carefully chosen charity is a good thing to do with your will, but otherwise it's really just thumbing your nose at the people you supposedly care about while feeling morally superior.

@BacktoBreathe If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity.
Are you sure? This would have to be specified in the will as typically if you died your next of kin would inherit your share.

If your parents have specified that if you die your share would all go to your sibling and not your dc I haven't ask WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY?

I don't have a problem with your sibling leaving their money, inherited or otherwise, to charity. It's theirs to do with what they want.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with you talking with your parents, telling them your health situation has made you think about your children's future without you (which hopefully never happens), and would they consider leaving your share to your children to be divided among them? It seems a fair and reasonable request, though their choice if they agree and do it.

@10ThousandSpoons It's how I feel. If my sister did this to me I'd find it very hard to forgive.

Which sister? The one who gleefully took money from various family members yet feels little or no familial care for her nieces and nephews or the sibling who is likely going to die whilst her dc are children?

Nobody has any right to anything. I think it's fantastic that the brother has chosen one or more charities, who will no doubt be very grateful. It's a thoughtful and responsible thing to do.

Did you benefit gleefully from money various family members left to you and is your sibling likely to die whilst their dc are still children?

I think it depends on the definition of close though. My DB would say that I (single, no kids) are “close” with them. I see them a little less frequently than once a month- which I know to my brother and their busy family life and commitments feels frequent. But to me it doesn’t feel like that at all. He would say we are close-but I don’t see it like that. I would love to see them more, take them for outings etc. but that isn’t what they want.

I love them, but they aren’t a big part of my life- they can’t be -I can’t hang my life on people I see every few weeks. So I have other things in my life, I’d rather leave a legacy to the things and people that are part of my daily life.

So the word close is subjective. Do you children form a substantial and meaningful part of your sisters life?

I initially voted YABU because I have childless siblings and I’ve never even thought about where their money would go. I think it would give a real sense of satisfaction, achievement and inner peace knowing your hard-earned money was going to a charitable cause you care about.

People need to feel that their time on earth has had an impact. A childless person’s money could save lives, feed the hungry, vaccinate against malaria, etc etc. Or it could go to a niece to help her re-do the kitchen or buy a caravan (for example). In this example, the childless person is right to do what they want with their money. People on mumsnet are often dismissive about relatives leaving all their money to the Cat’s home (or whatever), but in reality many charities do essential life changing/life saving work (obviously!) and legacy gifts have a huge positive impact on the world.

However given your diagnosis, and the fact your parents’ money would go to your sibling and thus be siphoned away from
your children, YANBU. But you need to talk to your parents about leaving specific gifts to your children. That’s the answer here.

I get what you mean OP - it feels like a family pot of money and if the person doesn't have kids it feels like a "waste" in a way (being blunt there). I think a lot of the time with inheritance we forget that really it is like giving a present; you don't get to choose what that person does with it. It isn't your money to start with and they can do with it as they please. If you haven't spent time with your kids at their house they have every right to decide they don't know them and have other places they care about to give inheritance to. I think if you spent every Sunday with them and they were active in your DC lives, they probably would want to leave them something. If you aren't close then I can understand why they might not. FWIW I think like you that any money from grandparents is mentally in a family pot and I'd rather living relatives enjoy most (maybe not all) of it. I think that's the bit a lot of people don't understand. If I didn't have DC I would be gifting chunks to any relatives' DC but probably also my own interests and charities.

The sibling is entitled to leave their money wherever they want. You are untitled to infer from that. The inference would take away is that siblings nieces and nephews are not particularly important to them. Hard to come to any other conclusion. They might like them but they feel no familial sense of wanting to help them or give them a leg up (the very same leg up sibling themselves benefitted from)

You would also be entitled to modify your relationship on the basis of this new revelation. I would definitely cool somewhat towards a sibling who revealed that my dc were not of much significance to them.

If I was a parent of you and your sibling and knew sibling was leaving their estate to charity I would leave my estate to my grandchildren. As I would be entitled to do.

Thats shocking!!! So you got nothing from your mum. Thats so bad.

I adore my nieces and nephews so would want to help so I can see why you are upset. It’s like they are not important to your sibling. But you can’t dictate it. Maybe they are trying to make the world a fairer place knowing your kids will be ok? I do get it though OP. I’d feel sad too. But you can’t say anything.

I completely see where you’re coming from op.

We had a similar situation in our family where my Gran (following a long line of inheritance) left her money to my Mum, who decided to give it all to the dogs trust 😳😳 My Gran would have been literally turning in her grave if she knew the family money hadn’t been passed on to the next generation.

If you're worried you will die before your parents and not get your portion to pass on can you not ask them to write it in their will that your children benefit instead? That's the only bit I would talk to your sister about if it came to it, but her money is her money to do with what she likes

If I were you I would have some open discussions with parents and sibling about the worry you have about not being around to provide security for your children. Say you do not want the loss of their mother to be compounded by financial worries so would like them to be as comfortable as possible. Specific questions I would find out the answers to:

What does your parents' will say should happen in the event you predecease them? Will your share go to your children? Most solicitors would advise that so that is possibly already there as a safeguard.

Your sibling agreed to be guardian many years ago before you had cancer. Discuss with her if she still feels able to take on that role and that even if they have already reached adulthood that you would like him / her to have a relationship with them as you are siblings and likely to have similar family values etc. ask how they feel the current relationship is with your DC and if there are things you can do to help strengthen it.

Focus on building their relationship rather than an inheritance that, if sibling lives to an old age could well have been spent on their retirement and care home fees anyway.

I feel its been assumed over time but this bombshell about the will is making the op question it.

You need to get all this sorted now and put your half of all assets in trust for your children.
I know it is hard to hear, but so many men remarry, don't update their will and everything goes to wife 2. Or, they marry in haste, get divorced and half of everything goes to wife 2.
I have seen it happen so many times and there are lots of threads on here about this scenario.

YABU in regards to who your sister leaves any inheritance to.

I would however be querying with your parents who your portion of inheritance goes to if you were to predecease them and explain that if your share goes to your sibling, then your DC will loose out because your sibling will be leaving all her money to charity and nothing to family.

Dropping into conversation with her parent what her sister is doing, presumably hoping to get money not left to her is possible the worst advice I have ever seen on mumsnet.

Talk about a strong way to light the touch-paper on an enormous family row. You haven’t left money to my kids, so I tried to get our parents to disinherit you as retribution. I can’t see many relationships surviving that one.